These Aren't My Pants: The Dumbest and Dimmest from the Files of America's Dumbest Criminals

By: Daniel R. Butler and Alan Ray

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Synopsis: I always ask a suspect, "Do you have any drugs tonight?" The suspect always says, "No, officer" with an incredible innocence and look of disbelief. Then I pat him down and I find a bag of crack, a Saturday Night Special, and a switchblade knife. He tells me he's never seen these things before. When I explain that they just came out of the pants he is wearing, without hesitating, the suspect always says, "But these aren't my pants!" One 300-pound dumb criminal got in even more trouble. Pointing to his 90-pound girlfriend, he explained, "They are hers. She used to be much larger." The police had to intervene to save the man from his petite but outraged friend. These Aren't My Pants! is a collection of 320 of the dumbest stories from the four best-selling America's Dumbest Criminals books and the popular television show along with 40 all-new stories. Every 6.8 seconds another dumb crime is committed. Here is the ultimate collection of the most incredibly stupid and painfully dumb attempts at crime including... * The accused vending-machine thief who paid his $400 bail entirely in quarters * The bank robber who had to go back to the bank for the car keys he had left on the counter * The woman who invalidated her winning $5,000 lottery ticket by altering it to match the $20 prize number * The two suspects on trial who raised their hands when the prosecutor asked the victim if those guilty were in the courtroom