Grey Sex: Heterosexuality and Everyday Domination

By: Alexandra Kogl

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Synopsis: Grey sex is saying “yes” but thinking “no.” It’s feeling invisible, like you’re not even in the room. It’s wondering afterwards, “is that really what I wanted?” or “did I just let that happen?” Many people have sexual experiences that fall into a grey area between assault and “normal” sex. Looking at heterosexuality and everyday domination, this book shows that, in doing so, we are neither simply victims nor failing to assert ourselves. We are caught in relations of gendered power that may be hard to name or that may, in a world filled with violence, not seem worth mentioning. Tempting as it is to blame individuals for grey sexual experiences, Kogl argues that we can’t make sense of the power at work if we remain stuck in self-blame or point the finger at perpetrators. The personal is still political: the most intimate activities are both shaped by and shapers of unjust sexual hierarchies. Grey Sex walks us through the shadowy places between good and bad sex. With compelling insight into power relations that shape ambiguous sexual experiences and our sense of freedom, it is a valuable read for people interested in sexual intimacy and relationships, gender-based violence, and inequality.