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Housebroke
by Jaci BurtonA millionaire and a woman who thinks he's a house flipper are stuck living in a house together with a menagerie of rescue dogs as roommates, in this heartfelt romantic comedy from New York Times bestselling author Jaci Burton.After her ex took all their money and bailed, Hazel Bristow is left broke and homeless. A kind friend whose home is on the market lets Hazel and her foster dogs stay there until it sells. It&’s the perfect setup, until her friend forgets to tell Hazel she&’s sold the house.Linc Kennedy is shocked to find Hazel and her pups squatting in the house he just bought, but after some negotiating—she offers to cook amazing meals for him in return for a paycheck—he agrees to let her remain while he&’s renovating the place. Linc tells Hazel he&’s an investor who renovates homes for fun—he just leaves out the part about being wealthy.Hazel&’s intrigued by Linc. He&’s funny, sweet, ridiculously hot, and loves dogs almost as much as she does. But her track record with men? Not great. She worries her trust meter isn&’t in working order.Linc&’s never met anyone like the quirky beauty who puts everyone&’s needs—human and canine—before her own. He didn&’t tell her about his wealth because he&’s been burned by women who only wanted him for his money. But with Hazel, he&’s never felt more like himself. Now he has to figure out how to tell her the truth without losing her. Because Linc realizes what he feels for her isn't puppy love—it's true love.
Housebroken: Admissions of an Untidy Life
by Laurie Notaro#1 New York Times bestselling author Laurie Notaro isn't exactly a domestic goddess--unless that means she fully embraces her genetic hoarding predisposition, sneaks peeks at her husband's daily journal, or has made a list of the people she wants on her Apocalypse Survival team (her husband's not on it). Notaro chronicles her chronic misfortune in the domestic arts, including cooking, cleaning, and putting on Spanx while sweaty (which should technically qualify as an Olympic sport). Housebroken is a rollicking new collection of essays showcasing her irreverent wit and inability to feel shame. From defying nature in the quest to make her own Twinkies, to begging her new neighbors not to become urban livestock keepers, to teaching her eight-year-old nephew about hoboes, Notaro recounts her best efforts--and hilarious failures--in keeping a household inches away from being condemned. After all, home wasn't built in a day.
Housecat Trouble: (A Graphic Novel) (Housecat Trouble #1)
by Mason DickersonWhen a scaredy-housecat is home alone for the first time, he and his furry friends are forced to face monsters and their fears on a quest to save the day. This middle-grade graphic novel series is filled with silly jokes, adventure, and a whole lot of fun.One house, three cats, and a lot of trouble! Buster has only one job: keep the house safe. Too bad he is a massive scaredy-cat. When his owner goes away and he suddenly finds his home filled with monsters, Buster has the biggest challenge he&’s ever faced. Can he learn to be brave before his owner gets back?In the first volume of a hijinks-filled graphic novel series, the colorful artwork and hilarious characters will keep you laughing until the very end.
Housecat Trouble: (A Graphic Novel) (Housecat Trouble #2)
by Mason DickersonYour favorite housecat is back and braver than ever! But when a lost kitten turns up, can Buster and his friends help it find its way home? This funny chapter-book graphic-novel series returns with more hijinks and even more cats!Buster has been around the block--literally!After an adventure outside his home to help his owner, Buster now finds himself in the position of helping a lost little cat. Buster, Nova, and Chauncey take to the streets to find the cat's owner. But this strange stray turns out to be a ghost, and a reunion with its owner is going to be a lot harder than they thought! Will Buster and his friends have what it takes to reunite this lost cat and its owner?
Houseplants and Their Fucked-Up Thoughts: P.S., They Hate You
by Carlyle ChristoffHave you ever wondered if your houseplants are silently judging you?Maybe you think you and your foliated friends are happily cohabitating. Maybe you bought them on a whim and hardly think about them at all. Maybe things are a bit more complicated.Is it possible that your plants have inner lives that run deeper than their roots? That your fiddle-leaf fig finds you pathetic? That your majesty palm is deeply disdainful? Or that your philodendron has been eyeing your man?Just because your plants can't speak doesn't mean they don't have a lot to say. Proceed with caution. Once you peek into the tangled minds of these dirt-loving deviants, you might never feel at home with your houseplants again.
Houston, We Have a Klutz!
by Nicholas O. TimeGrace sneaks onto Apollo 11 with a little help from some surprising allies in this fourth wacky novel, part of the all-new In Due Time series."Graceless Grace" is the smartest seventh grader at Sands Middle School, but she's constantly being teased for stumbling over doorjambs and knocking over lunch trays. And lately, the name-calling has been even worse. So when Ms. Tremt offers to lend The Book of Memories to Grace for an extended trip, she decides to go completely out of this world. She travels back to 1969 to stow away on Apollo 11 and become the first kid, the first female, and maybe even the first person to walk on the moon. Take that, teasers! Sneaking onboard Apollo 11 without messing up the mission requires some serious brainpower. Luckily, Grace has something NASA doesn't--a time portal. She opens up The Book of Memories and assembles her dream team: Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein, and Hypatia of Alexandria, and works with them to reduce the cargo just enough to safely board the rocket. Apollo 11 leaves the atmosphere with 6,099,920 pounds of space ship and eighty pounds of middle school girl. Grace impresses Neil Armstrong with her smarts and dazzles the world with her spacewalk. After all, you can't face-plant in zero gravity! But when Grace returns to the present, she's dismayed to discover NASA has covered up her historic achievement. There is no mention of her in history books, no record of her spacewalk. Some things in history can't be changed, explains Ms. Tremt, but people can change. And now, "Graceless Grace" has the confidence to redefine her reputation!
How (Not) to Ask a Boy to Prom
by S. J. Goslee“If you're looking for a novel to fill the To All The Boys I've Loved Before-shaped hole in your heart, this is the book for you.” —Camille Perri, author of When Katie Met CassidyHow (Not) to Ask a Boy to Prom is a modern gender-bent young adult rom com from S. J. Goslee.Nolan Grant is sixteen, gay, and very, very single.He's never had a boyfriend, or even been kissed. It's not like Penn Valley is exactly brimming with prospects. Nolan plans to ride out the rest of his junior year drawing narwhals, working at the greenhouse, and avoiding anything that involves an ounce of school spirit.Unfortunately for him, his adoptive big sister has other ideas. Ideas that involve too-tight pants, a baggie full of purple glitter, and worst of all: a Junior-Senior prom ticket.A 2020 YALSA Best Fiction for Young Adults pickA 2020 ALA Rainbow List PickA 2020 Bank Street College of Education Best Children's Books of the Year Pick
How (Not) to Have a Perfect Wedding
by Arliss RyanAnne is a professional wedding hostess at the most beautiful of the opulent mansions along Newport's seashore. She knows the smile she beams at her guests doesn't have to be sincere, just present. She's managed to maintain the illusion of pleasant composure through ten years of rowdy guests and sobbing brides. However, tonight Anne is afraid she won't be able to hold her tongue, let alone her smile: The wedding from hell has landed on her beautifully manicured lawn.The perfect bride may hope her wedding is beautiful, but would never tell her sister to lose thirty pounds or lose her invitation. The perfect groom might be sad his stag days are over, but could be trusted with the babysitter. The perfect father of the bride may not have had a model marriage, but would never parade his brand new trophy wife in front of his bitter ex-wife. But this is not a perfect wedding.From the caterer to the groom to the barmaid, everyone involved tells the story of a disaster in the making. A romp through the kind of wedding we all want to hear about-but never experience-How (Not) to Have a Perfect Wedding will leave you cringing with delight.
How 2 Be Awsum: A LOLcat Guide 2 Life
by icanhascheezburger.comThe authors of I Can Has Cheezburger? are back to teach you how to LOL your way to awsumness!!1!The Web site icanhascheezburger.com has produced the bestsellers I Can Has Cheezburger?, How to Take Over teh Wurld, and Teh Itteh Bitteh Book of Kittehs, and now Professor Happycat and his team return to take the LOLcats to a noo level.How 2 Be Awsum will show Cheezburger fans how to apply the tenets of awsumness to their own lives in a way that only the hilarious LOLcats can. Including 125 all-new photos with misspelled captions, this fourth installment of the series will give cats and their hoomins the keys to living their most awsum (and LOLable) lives.
How Are You Feeling?: At the Centre of the Inside of the Human Brain
by David ShrigleyA shocking, ethically dubious, disastrously funny, illustrated self-help book about why human beings behave in such peculiar, delightful, and unpleasant ways. The human brain can be a bizarre and disturbing instrument. Thankfully, David Shrigley is prepared to help you with the most vexing aspects of your psyche: alcoholism ("it is terrific fun, of course, but there are problems with it"); mental illness ("unlike a hairdryer, when a brain goes wrong 'you cannot just throw it in the river and get another one' "); and neurology ("We all have internal wiring. Sometimes this wiring comes loose. . . . Check for loose wires and re-fasten them with glue."). How Are You Feeling? takes readers on a journey between the ears, explaining how the brain decides what is right and wrong and why some people are very charming and others behave like monkeys. Dave Eggers has called Shrigley "probably the funniest gallery-type artist who ever lived." His side-splitting illustrated handbook questions the stability of self, the meaning of help, and whether that self was ever worth helping.
How Big Could Your Pumpkin Grow?
by Wendell MinorEvery year, giant pumpkin contests take place at fairs across the country—the 2012 record-holder weighed over a ton! The latest craze is to carve the most enormous pumpkins into racing boats. But what&’s next? Why not think really big? Award-winning artist Wendell Minor does just that as he imagines larger-than-life pumpkins decorating some of America&’s favorite places—as immense as the Capitol dome, Mount Rushmore, the Brooklyn Bridge, even the Grand Canyon! This celebration of famous landmarks and landscapes plays with concepts of size and scale and is full of fun facts.
How Carrot and Cookie Saved Christmas
by Erica S. PerlA festive pun-filled story perfect for the holidays!In this follow-up to When Carrot Met Cookie, Christmas is fast approaching, and Carrot and Cookie are both worried—they can't find the right present for each other! But when they hear a crash on Christmas Eve and find a sick Santa too ill to keep flying his sleigh, they know there are more important matters at hand. Can these friends conjure up enough Christmas magic to step into Santa's shoes, deliver the presents themselves, and save the day? Hilarious and heartwarming, this is the perfect gift for future foodies or anyone looking for some special holiday cheer.
How Could She: A Novel
by Lauren Mechling"Brilliant. . . . The perfect summer read." --Nylon"[A] compulsively readable page-turner." --CosmopolitanNamed a most anticipated novel of the summer by Vogue, Entertainment Weekly, Elle, Bustle, Vulture, and more.An assured and savagely funny novel about three old friends as they navigate careers, husbands, an ex-fiancé, new suitors, and, most importantly, their relationships with one anotherAfter a devastating break-up with her fiancé, Geraldine is struggling to get her life back on track in Toronto. Her two old friends, Sunny and Rachel, left ages ago for New York, where they've landed good jobs, handsome husbands, and unfairly glamorous lives (or at least so it appears to Geraldine). Sick of watching from the sidelines, Geraldine decides to force the universe to give her the big break she knows she deserves, and moves to New York City. As she zigzags her way through the downtown art scene and rooftop party circuit, she discovers how hard it is to find her footing in a world of influencers and media darlings. Meanwhile, Sunny's life as an It Girl watercolorist is not nearly as charmed as it seemed to Geraldine from Toronto. And Rachel is trying to keep it together as a new mom, writer, and wife--how is it that she was more confident and successful at twenty-five than in her mid-thirties? Perhaps worst of all, why are Sunny and Rachel--who've always been suspicious of each other--suddenly hanging out without Geraldine?Hilarious and fiercely observed, How Could She is an essential novel of female friendship, an insider's look into the cutthroat world of New York media--from print to podcasting--and a witty exploration of the ways we can and cannot escape our pasts.
How Could a Bear Sleep Here?
by Julie GonzalezIt's time for Shelby to hibernate, but how could a bear sleep in this noisy forest?The woodpeckers are rat-tat-tatting, the squirrels are cracka-cracka-crunching--there's too much noise! When Shelby spies the perfect cave, only too late does he realize he's hopped aboard a tour bus bound for the beach.Coupled with hysterically expressive illustrations by Stephanie Laberis, Julie Gonzalez's lively text and familiar refrain sings as Shelby, after several attempts to snooze in the tropics with increasing exhaustion, finally discovers the perfect solution to his noise problem. This is a great read-aloud for young readers who will recognize the refrain ("How could a bear sleep here?") and the silliness of Shelby's predicament
How Did Humans Go Extinct?
by Paul Hoppe Johnny MarcianoLet’s learn about the most mystifying species to ever walk the Earth!“A clever . . . way to bring awareness to the very real threats to humanity posed by war, climate change, and capitalism. A compelling and unique dystopian sci-fi picture book for early school age readers, this is recommended for all collections.” —School Library JournalPlib is like every other Nøørfbløøk kid on Earth, except for one thing.He loves humans—those horrible, terrifying monsters who dominated the planet ten million years ago.Only one thing about the humans bothers Plib. What happened to them all? Did they turn the planet into an uninhabitable wasteland? Or did they turn on each other? Or did the humans die out because of something else they did—or didn’t—do?Find the answer in How Did Humans Go Extinct?
How Did I Ever Survive the 70's: Strange, but True Stories
by Clayton Matthews<p>Humorous personal essays detailing a teenaged boy’s coming of age in the 1970s, an era defined by sexual liberation and drug experimentation.<p> <p>Clayton Matthews, if that’s his real name, was a child of the ‘70s. He smoked pot, drove fast cars, and chased women. In this hilarious collection of essays detailing his misspent youth, Matthews looks back at a decade where bell bottoms, free love and LSD were all the rage. A self-proclaimed hippie from a small Midwestern town, Matthews’s no-holds-barred account of everything from sexual exploits to acid trips will have readers young and old relishing a time when the counterculture of the ‘60s had become the mainstream of the 70s, and sex, drugs and rock and roll were a way of life.<p>
How Did I Get Here?: A Memoir
by Bruce McCallFrom his hardscrabble post-World War II Ontario childhood and coming of age to Mad Men-era New York City and the creative pinnacle of advertising, to the hallowed halls of Saturday Night Live and The New Yorker, Bruce McCall&’s personal and creative journey is stunningly honest, bittersweet, and, above all, inspiring. Beloved for his strikingly original and wickedly perceptive New Yorker covers, as well as his many Shouts and Murmurs, Bruce is a rare double threat as an artist and writer. Self-taught in both disciplines, his artistic world has captured the imagination of a loyal fan base that includes no less than David Letterman (whom he coauthored a book with) and other satire aficionados. Pulling no punches, How Did I Get Here? chronicles the evolution of his artistic genius as well as his journey from gifted childhood scribbler to passionate automobile enthusiast, a hobby that took him to the heights of the Detroit and Manhattan advertising worlds. His long-held passion for drawing and writing, which mostly lay dormant during his Mad Men days, reemerged later in life as he left the realm of advertising for the world of arts and letters, most notably at the National Lampoon, as a writer for Saturday Night Live in its first incarnation, and then of course at The New Yorker, as well as other Conde Nast magazines, such as Vanity Fair. His is an unorthodox life and career path, traversing through worlds that have now become iconic, giving us rich first-hand insight into Bruce's unique creative development and process, and providing a rare window into both the highs and the lows that define an artist's career and life. With wit, candor, and cover illustrations showcasing Bruce's storied career, Bruce McCall&’s memoir will charm his many fans and anyone who knows and loves the places and eras he describes so well.
How Did I Get Here?: A Memoir
by Bruce McCallFrom his hardscrabble post-World War II childhood and coming of age in Ontario to Mad Men-era New York City and the creative pinnacle of advertising, to the hallowed halls of Saturday Night Live and The New Yorker, Bruce McCall&’s personal and creative journey is stunningly honest, bittersweet, and, above all, inspiring. Beloved for his strikingly original and wickedly perceptive New Yorker covers (77 to date), as well as his many Shouts and Murmurs, Bruce is a rare double threat as an artist and writer. A Toronto high school dropout who is self-taught in both disciplines, his artistic world has captured the imagination of a loyal fan base for over forty years. Pulling no punches, How Did I Get Here? chronicles the evolution of his artistic genius as well as his journey from gifted childhood scribbler to passionate automobile enthusiast, a hobby that took him to the heights of the Detroit and Manhattan advertising worlds. His long-held passion for drawing and writing, which mostly lay dormant during his Mad Men days, reemerged later in life as he left the realm of advertising for the world of arts and letters, most notably at the National Lampoon, as a writer for Saturday Night Live in its first incarnation, and then of course at The New Yorker, as well as other Conde Nast magazines, such as Vanity Fair. His is an unorthodox life and career path, traversing through worlds that have now become iconic, giving us rich first-hand insight into Bruce's unique creative development and process, and providing a rare window into both the highs and the lows that define an artist's career and life. With wit, candor, and cover illustrations showcasing Bruce's storied career, Bruce McCall&’s memoir will charm his many fans and anyone who knows and loves the places and eras he describes so well.
How Did I Get Here?: Your Story from the Big Bang to Your Birthday
by Philip BuntingFrom the Big Bang to your birthday, and (almost) everything in between, this funny and informative book tells your story.You are one of the newest members of a family tree that goes way, way, way back to the very first life on Earth. A lot of incredible things had to happen between the beginning of the universe and today in order to make you. The fact that you (and everyone you know) are here is nothing short of mind-boggling! Read this book to discover how it happened, and prepare to be amazed by the awesomeness of you.This clever, funny, and scientific timeline of the journey of human existence is designed to get young readers asking questions, finding answers, and marveling at the many wonders of our world, from the Big Bang, to evolution, to a brand-new baby, and more.
How Did I Get to Be 40 & Other Atrocities
by Judith ViorstAnd so you've reached that time in your life when you're starting to pick investments over adventure, clean over scenic, comfortable over intense; when, even though in your heart of hearts you're only seventeen, the rest of you is (how did it happen?) forty.
How Did You Get This Number
by Sloane CrosleyThe hilarious New York Times bestselling literary essay collection from Sloane Crosley, the author of I Was Told There'd Be Cake. Sloane Crosley, the brilliantly funny "fountain of observations" (Boston Globe), now takes readers from a bear-infested wedding in Alaska to a run-in with clowns in Portugal in a new collection of essays about the messiest and most unexpected dilemmas life has to offer. "How sure-footed and observant Sloane Crosley is. How perfectly, relentlessly funny. " -- David Sedaris .
How Do Dinosaurs Learn to Read
by Jane YolenAmerica's favorite dinosaurs romp and roar as they soak books in the bathtub, throw them, and finally learn how to carefully read them... with Mama and Papa at bedtime. Get ready to laugh at this lighthearted, heartwarming, and funny approach to books! Children sometimes feel the task of learning to read is overwhelming, but the winning combination of rhyme and illustrations here provide a perfect way to present the subject in a comical, engaging, and nonjudgmental way. The contrast of enormous dinosaurs in kid-sized bedrooms (with human parents) adds irresistible humor as families explore the do's and don'ts of reading. Both practical and engaging, this book shows dinosaurs getting into all sorts of reading-related trouble! But of course, in the end, the dinosaurs learn how to carefully handle their books, read out loud, and read a lot!
How Do I Un-Remember This?: Unfortunately True Stories
by Danny PellegrinoFrom the host of Everything Iconic with Danny Pellegrino comes a collection of stories you'll be glad didn't happen to you. <p><p>Think of the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to you. Was it the time your high school cheer squad taunted you in front of the entire town? Was it the time your best friend's mom caught you streaking in all your naked, self-conscious glory? What about the time you accidentally threw a tooth at your dry cleaner or took an urn into Kohl's for some holiday shopping? <p><p>For Danny Pellegrino, the answer is all of the above. Growing up as a closeted gay kid in small-town Ohio wasn't easy, and Danny has the stories to prove it. But coming of age in the 90s still meant something magical to Danny. The music, film, and celebrity moments of his youth were truly iconic, and his love for all things pop culture connected him to a world larger than the one he knew in the suburban Midwest. And through all the pains of growing up, Danny could always look to that world for hope—whether that meant bingeing The Nanny until he had the confidence of Fran Fine, belting out Brandy songs until his heartaches were healed, or watching semi-clothed Ryan Phillippe scenes until his cheeks burned from blushing. <p><p>With refreshing honesty and jaw-dropping absurdity, Danny invites readers to experience his most formative moments in life—from his hometown in Ohio to his hit podcast and career in entertainment today. <p><p>How Do I Un-Remember This? is an unfiltered and all-too-relatable glimpse into Danny's life and the heartfelt and hilarious moments that shaped it. Although he wouldn't change them for the world, these stories are—unfortunately—true. <p> <b>New York Times Bestseller</b>
How Do Penguins Play? (Little Golden Book)
by David Walker Elizabeth DombeyThis playful rhyming Little Golden Book asks, "How do penguins play?" Children will delight in watching bear cubs, seals, penguins, monkeys, and other animal friends frolicking joyfully with each other. Adorable pastel illustrations show these animals playing king-of-the-hill, keep away, and other fun and familiar games.
How Do You Know?
by Meredith Schorr“A version of Manhattan that’s as fun and original as . . . Sex and the City’s . . . sharp, candid insights about the plight of the modern woman” (Diana Spechler, author of Skinny). With the big 4-0 staring her down, Maggie Piper can’t stop thinking about her less-than-perfect love life. The fear of a slow metabolism, wrinkly skin, and a ticking biological clock leaves her torn between a desire to settle down and concern her existing relationship isn’t all that perfect. So, she pulls a “Ross and Rachel”: A spontaneous request for a temporary break from her live-in boyfriend that quickly results in a breakup. Now Maggie is single once again—only twelve months from Lordy, Lordy, look who’s forty. As she re-enters the New York City dating jungle, suitors present themselves quickly. But who’s The One? Speed-dating bachelors, a sexy coworker, or the man she already set free? How does she know? Her fun-loving friends and supportive family, including meddlesome no-filter Aunt Helen, eagerly share their often-unsolicited opinions, but Maggie is determined to find her own way, even if she falls on her face—repeatedly. “Chick lit with depth. Fun story with a lovable main character . . . I liked that it tackled deeper issues of aging and how it affects society’s outlook on women (read: differently than it affects society’s outlook on men), as well as men’s and women’s outlooks on love. I recommend!” —Stacey Wiedower, USA Today–bestselling author of 30 First Dates