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How to Ride a Dragonfly
by Kitty DonohoeLike a laugh-out-loud spin on Thumbelina, this whimsical, beautifully illustrated picture book stars an adventurous little girl who shrinks down to the size of a bug and takes a tour of the swamp on a dragonfly's back.Have you ever wanted to ride a dragonfly? Well, there&’s one problem… You&’re too big! But if you follow these simple steps, you'll be sure to have a fantastic journey:Step 1: Put a rose petal in your pocket at sunrise, which will make you shrink. But don't forget: you must return by sunset-- or else you&’ll stay shrunk!Step 2: Pick a blade of grass and lasso the first dragonfly that buzzes by--we'll call her Priscilla. Climb aboard!Step 3: Joust a bumblebee, groove to the Beetle Band, dine with fairies, and have an adventure. Watch out for the frogs! They love to eat dragonflies, and Priscilla looks quite tasty...Oh, dear! The sun is almost touching the mountains. Can you and Priscilla zip back in time before sunset? With a delightfully funny text by an elementary school teacher and deliciously playful artwork by a beloved illustrator, here is the perfect picture book for any child in search of adventure!
How to Rob an Armored Car: A Novel
by Iain LevisonThree friends looking for a way out of a dying Pennsylvania coal town dabble in petty crime, and believe they have a talent for it. Soon things begin to get out of hand.
How to Romance a Runaway Bride: Summer Romance With The Italian Tycoon / How To Romance A Runaway Bride (wilde Hearts) (Wilde Hearts #2)
by Teri WilsonUSA Today–Bestselling Author: A New York billionaire’s birthday party gets crashed—by a woman in a big white dress . . .“If we’re not married by thirty, we’ll marry each other . . .”Allegra Clark doesn’t expect to be a runaway bride . . . till she’s about to say, “I do.” Then the commitment-phobe bolts—straight into the adjacent thirtieth birthday party of the man she’d once vowed to wed.Billionaire hotelier Zander Wilde can hardly believe his eyes. The woman he never forgot, more beautiful than ever, in a gown and veil. And she’s just days away from her thirtieth birthday . . .Praise for RITA Award winner Teri Wilson’s novels“Charming and unexpectedly touching.” —Kirkus Reviews“Like journeying through a dream that I never wanted to end.” —Night Owl Reviews
How to Ruin Everything: Essays
by George Watsky<P>Are you a sensible, universally competent individual? Are you tired of the crushing monotony of leaping gracefully from one lily pad of success to the next? Are you sick of doing everything right? <P>In this brutally honest and humorous debut, musician and artist George Watsky chronicles the small triumphs over humiliation that make life bearable and how he has come to accept defeat as necessary to personal progress. The essays in How to Ruin Everything range from the absurd (how he became an international ivory smuggler) to the comical (his middle-school rap battle dominance) to the revelatory (his experiences with epilepsy), yet all are delivered with the type of linguistic dexterity and self-awareness that has won Watsky more than 765,000 YouTube subscribers. Alternately ribald and emotionally resonant, How to Ruin Everything announces a versatile writer with a promising career ahead. <P><b>A New York Times Bestseller</b>
How to Ruin Your Children's Lives
by Mary McHughA parent&’s guide to giving wise advice, asking questions, encouraging good habits, and other ways to annoy their teenager. *Ask them about girlfriends or boyfriends in front of relatives *Run out on the basketball court with a first-aid kit if they&’re hurt during a game *Fall asleep when your teen is telling you what Sue said to Jennifer and what Jennifer told Maryanne and what Karen did then How to Ruin Your Children&’s Lives is a survival manual for enduring the transmutation of loving child to hostile teenager, and—with a little luck—maintaining enough sanity to one day hear those longed-for words, &“Hey, I guess you weren&’t so stupid after all.&” Purple hair? Belly rings? Bizarre musical tastes? Not a problem as long as you have these nearly 300 tips and tactics close at hand. With resident teenagers slamming doors and screaming at the top of their lungs, &“You're ruining my life!&” parents should at least make certain they&’re handling the job with poise.
How to Ruin Your Life
by Ben SteinAuthor Ben Stein offers a witty, humorous account of 35 "simple steps" on how you can quickly, easily, and effectively ruin your life.
How to Rule an Empire and Get Away with It
by K. J. Parker"Full of invention and ingenuity . . . Great fun." - SFX on Sixteen Ways to Defend a Walled CityThis is the history of how the City was saved, by Notker the professional liar, written down because eventually the truth always seeps through. The City may be under siege, but everyone still has to make a living. Take Notker, the acclaimed playwright, actor, and impresario. Nobody works harder, even when he's not working. Thankfully, it turns out that people enjoy the theater just as much when there are big rocks falling out of the sky. But Notker is a man of many talents, and all the world is, apparently, a stage. It seems that the empire needs him -- or someone who looks a lot like him -- for a role that will call for the performance of a lifetime. At least it will guarantee fame, fortune, and immortality. If it doesn't kill him first. In the follow up to the acclaimed Sixteen Ways to Defend a Walled City, K. J. Parker has created one of fantasy's greatest heroes, and he might even get away with it. For more from K. J. Parker, check out:Sixteen Ways to Defend a Walled CityThe Two of SwordsThe Two of Swords: Volume OneThe Two of Swords Volume TwoThe Two of Swords: Volume ThreeThe Fencer TrilogyColours in the SteelThe Belly of the BowThe Proof HouseThe Scavenger TrilogyShadowPatternMemoryEngineer TrilogyDevices and DesiresEvil for EvilThe EscapementThe CompanyThe Folding KnifeThe HammerSharps
How to Run Wars: A Confidential Playbook for the National Security Elite
by Christopher J. Coyne Abigail R. HallA copy of the top-secret memo below recently came into our hands, and we thought we should bring it to your attention! &“Dear National Security Elite: In an ideal world, the public would simply accept whatever their leaders—you, in other words—told them. They would comply with restrictions and mandates, not as a matter of mere obedience, but as a matter of unquestionable patriotic duty. But we don&’t live in an ideal world. And with the fate of the world, especially the world&’s wars, in the hands of our enlightened, benevolent, and eminently responsible national security elite—in your hands, in other words—we can&’t afford to risk opening the conversation to an informed public. And we certainly can&’t risk asking for anything so antiquated as &“consent,&” either. Not when the stakes are this high. You simply must learn: How to control the narrative—every narrative—in your favor; How to completely capture the media and effectively quash dissent; How destroying liberty creates more liberty in the long (long) run; Why top-down economic planning, here and abroad, is your best friend; How to flout international, and of course domestic, law and get away with it; And much, much more... The danger with any book like this is, obviously, that it may fall into the wrong hands. If any member of the general public should happen upon these pages, the consequences would be fatal. After all, people may realize that the national security elite—you, in other words—are not, in fact, all-powerful harbingers of peace... They may realize that you are, literally, a force for good... armed and relentlessly attempting to bend the planet to your noble will. And that realization would be nothing short of disastrous. Don&’t let this book fall into the wrong hands!&” Merciless in their penetrating analysis, Christopher J. Coyne and Abigail Hall have written the satirical portrait of America&’s contemporary military-industrial complex. Drawing inspiration from the 1936 classic How to Run a War, by Bruce W. Knight, this book is a must-read for anyone who would know the truth about America&’s endless wars and the people who run them.... The truth might just set us free. It will certainly make you laugh. Then—really angry.
How to Save Your Child from Ostrich Attacks, Accidental Time Travel, and Anything Else that Might Happen on an Average Tuesday
by James BreakwellThe parenting humorist behind the viral Twitter account @XplodingUnicorn and author of Only Dead on the Inside: A Parent's Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse presents the long-awaited guide to surviving everything else In the era of instant parent shaming and viral hot takes, some questions are too dangerous to ask out loud: What's the proper first aid for my toddler's vampire bite? What should I do if I take a wrong turn on the way to soccer practice and end up in the Cretaceous Period? How can I fend off Godzilla without disrupting my child's nap? Fortunately, there's now a parenting resource that answers those burning questions and many more. Professional comedy writer and amateur father James Breakwell's latest book tackles more than 90 survival challenges ordinary parents might encounter in their everyday lives, including: How to protect your child against tigers, penguins, mastodons, and other animals found in the suburbs. How to defeat ghosts, gremlins, mummies, and any other supernatural force that might prevent you from getting your kid to bed on time. How to survive crashing horses, trains, hot air balloons, and other vehicles you might find in the carpool lane. This is an essential guide for anyone who has children, might have children someday, or is vaguely aware children exist. Put this book down at your own—and your children's—risk.
How to Save Your Tail*: *if you are a rat nabbed by cats who really like stories about magic spoons, wol ves with snout-warts, big, hairy chimney trolls . . . and cookies, too.
by Mary HansonHow does a cookie-baking Rat named Bob save his tail from being gobbled by two hungry cats? By serving them cookies and telling themfantastic fairy tales about his family, of course. There's the story about great-grand uncle Mustard who upgrades his family to a lovely three-bedroom brick house. (All's well until some wolves with snout-warts show up.) And there's the one about how starving Grandma Lois was forced to take a job spinning straw into gold. (Impossible to do . . . until a hairy chimney troll comes along.)With allusions to classic fairy tales, plus a storytelling rat to rival Scheherazade, this book--which also includes black-and-white illustrations, a family tree, and a map of Bob's neighborhood--is sure to hold both cats and kids captive.From the Hardcover edition.
How to Scare a Ghost
by Jean ReaganA laugh-out-loud funny Halloween picture book, packed full of essential Ghost-hunting tips.Have you always wanted to see a ghost? Then you need this book! First, you need to catch one. You could: make ghostly noises, carve creepy pumpkins, bake spooky cupcakes.Then it's time to have lots of Halloween fun with your new ghost buddy!This hilarious 'How To' guide style picture book is guaranteed to get kids giggling, and keep them busy on Halloween!Look out for more books in the brilliantly funny, New York Times bestselling series:How to Catch SantaHow to Surprise a DadHow to Raise a MumHow to Babysit a GrandadHow to Babysit a GrandmaHow to Get Your Teacher Ready for School
How to Scare a Ghost (How To Series)
by Jean ReaganFrom the creators of the New York Times bestsellers How to Catch Santa and How to Babysit a Grandpa comes a silly (and not-too-spooky) send-up of Halloween...and ghosts!Who says ghosts get to have all the fun on Halloween? In this humorous new addition to Jean Reagan and Lee Wildish's bestselling How to... books, the kids are in charge! But in order to scare a ghost, you might have to find one first. Guided by a tongue-in-cheek instructional style, two children show young readers how to set the stage for a spooktacular Halloween by carving pumpkins, playing games, and even reading scary stories. Has a ghost showed up? Great! Now the fun--er, the scaring--can really begin. Filled with charming role-reversal humor, creative ideas, and lots of holiday spirit, How to Scare a Ghost is sure to delight kids, parents, and things that go bump in the night.
How to Sharpen Pencils: A Practical & Theoretical Treatise on the Artisanal Craft of Pencil Sharpening for Writers, Artists, Contractors, Flange Turners, Anglesmiths, & Civil Servants
by David ReesA hilarious guide to the lost art of artisanal pencil sharpeningHave you got the right kind of point on your pencil? Do you know how to achieve the perfect point for the kind of work you need out of that pencil?Deep in New York's Hudson River Valley, craftsman David Rees--the world's number one #2 pencil sharpener--still practices the age-old art of manual pencil sharpening. In 2010, he began offering his artisanal service to the world, to the jubilation of artists, writers, draftsmen, and standardized test takers.Now, in a book that is both a manifesto and a fully-illustrated walk-through of the many, many, many ways to sharpen a pencil, he reveals the secrets of his craft. By the time you're through this book, you will know how to get the perfect point on your pencil without injuring yourself. And if you think it's a joke, why don't you poke yourself with your newly sharpened pencil? Or better yet, don't--because it'll really hurt.From the Hardcover edition.
How to Sleep with a Movie Star
by Kristin Harmel26-year-old Claire Reilly is on top of her game as one of the youngest celebrity reporters and editors in the business. At Mod magazine, she is a consummate professional, interviewing dreamy Hollywood hunks and staying on top of every story. Unfortunately, her live-in boyfriend seems intent on setting the worlds record for celibacy, yet she finds herself penning articles like Ten Reasons You Should Have a One-Night Stand. When Claire lands the plum assignment of interviewing Cole Brannon, Hollywoods #1 hottie, she knows better than to mix business with pleasure, but the next morning, she finds herself in Coles bed....without her clothes. After the tabloids pick up the story, Claires life is turned upside down. In struggling to regain her reputation, shell learn a great deal about herself....and that you shouldnt always believe everything you read.
How to Speak Dragonese (The Heroic Misadventures of Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III #3)
by Cressida CowellThe rollicking sequel to "How to Train Your Dragon" and "How to Be a Pirate" offers a fast-paced plot, slapstick humor, and witty dialogue to enhance an exciting tale featuring Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III.
How to Speak Southern
by Steve MitchellThe laugh sensation that swept the nation, How to Speak Southern and More How to Speak Southern, is now collected in one complete--and completely hilarious--volume. Embraced by Southerners everywhere and dedicated to all Yankees in the hope that it will teach them to talk right, this uproarious book decodes "Suthun" wit and wisdom for "Nawthun" upstarts everywhere. From "aig" (a breakfast food that may be fried, scrambled, boiled, or poached) to "zackly" (as in "precisely"), here's just a sampling of what you'll find inside: ATTAIR: Contraction used to indicate the specific item desired. "Pass me attair gravy, please." EVERWHICHAWAYS: To be scattered in all directions. "You should have been there when the train hit that chicken truck. Them chickens flew everwhichaways." YONTNY: Do you want any. "Yontny more corn bread?" Funny as well as informative, this laugh-out-loud dictionary will keep you laughing and learning--no matter where you fall on the Mason-Dixon Line!
How to Spell Chanukah...And Other Holiday Dilemmas: 18 Writers Celebrate 8 Nights of Lights
by Emily FranklinRing in the holiday with eighteen writers who extol, excoriate, and expand our understanding of this most merry of Jewish festivals as they offer up funny, irreverent, and, yes, even nostalgic takes on a holiday that holds a special place in Jewish hearts . . . and stomachs.Pieces by Jonathan Tropper, Jennifer Gilmore, Steve Almond, Joanna Smith Rakoff, Adam Langer, and others address pressing issues: what is the weight gain associated with eating 432 latkes in eight nights? Offer joyous gratitude: “What a holiday! No pestilence, no slavery, no locusts, no cattle disease, or atonement. Thank God.” And afford tender truths: “You are reminded of your real gifts: a family you get to come home to.”Whether your family tradition included a Christmas tree or a Chanukah bush, whether the fights among your siblings rivaled the battles of the Maccabees, or even if you haven’t a clue who the Maccabees were, this little book illustrates the joys, frustrations, and small miracles of the season.
How to Spook a Ghost (Magical Creatures and Crafts #8)
by Sue FliessHalloween is about getting together with friends and family, choosing costumes, and trick-or-treating! Sometimes spooky, always delicious! But would you be brave enough to investigate strange noises? If you are, you may just meet a friendly ghost who only wants to be part of the fun! Be kind and include them in your trick-or-treating adventure and you may make a new friend! They'll be sure to enjoy the thrill of going out on Halloween night. So, grab some supplies—scissors, fabric, markers, and a partner—and get ready to make a costume for the biggest candy event of the year. Sue Fliess&’s bouncy read-aloud rhyming text and Simona Sanfilippo&’s energetic, whimsical illustrations will bring joy to young readers as they cheer on the kids and their new ghost friend. Also included are guides for teachers and parents about how to engage children in costume-making or an easy Halloween puppet craft, while learning about the history of Halloween, pumpkin carving, and the value of friendship and inclusion on this fun day of gathering with friends to dress up and collect treats.
How to Spot a Bastard by His Star Sign: The Ultimate Horrorscope
by Susi Rajah Adèle LangThe Ultimate HorrorscopeJoin the women around the world whose love lives have been transformed by the astro-guide that pulls no punches when it comes to the dark side of men and their star signs.Use it to... -Deride, ridicule, and annoy the hell out of men - Speed up the dating process by using star sign elimination - Avoid dating complete scum - Keep current boyfriends/husbands in their places - Keep conversation going at dinner parties - And much, much more!Discover who you are destined not to date...A match made in heaven or the relationship from hell? Find out which zodiac couplings are the least likely to result in derision, depression, divorce, or death! - Are you good enough for a LEO? - Can you put up with PISCES? - Will you get along with GEMINI? - Do you have the skills necessary to cope with VIRGO? Put yourself to the test with our 12 compatibility quizzes - each one carefully designed to ensure you know exactly which bastards to avoid in the future.Now men will cringe when you ask them what their star signs are!
How to Start First Grade (Step into Reading)
by Ellen Titlebaum Ellen Vandenberg Catherine A. HapkaIt's back to school for Steve! Will his first day of first grade be ruined by the new kid? A hilarious Step 2 reader about self-confidence and friendship!Steve is so excited to start first grade with all his buddies from kindergarten! But then a new kid joins the class, and, boy, is she impressive! Hannah is from Alaska, and she's really cool. Even her show-and-tell is way more exciting than Steve's. But exaggerating to make himself seem cooler just lands Steve in the principal's office. Will he get into worse trouble, or can he maybe make a new friend? This book is a perfect follow-up to How to Start Kindergarten and a great choice for any kid getting ready to go back to school. Emergent readers will see themselves in this very relatable series. And when they're ready, they can read about the zany antics of Steve and his older brother, Will, in How Not to Start Third Grade, How Not to Babysit Your Brother, and How Not to Run for Class President (Step 3 books).Step 2 readers use basic vocabulary and short sentences to tell simple stories. They are perfect for children who recognize familiar words and can sound out new words with help.
How to Start Kindergarten (Step into Reading)
by Ellen Titlebaum Ellen Vandenberg Catherine A. HapkaA hilarious Step 2 reader about starting at a new school!David is the new kid at school, and is worried about fitting in. Steve is NOT worried about fitting in, and tells David, "Just do what I do and you will be great!" But when David listens a little too well, Steve has a bona fide copycat on his hands!Join the brothers from How Not to Start Third Grade, How Not to Babysit Your Brother, and How Not to Run for Class President for a new adventure...from younger brother Steve's perspective! Zany antics and plot twists will feel relatable and fun in this hilarious reader. Step 2 readers use basic vocabulary and short sentences to tell simple stories. They are perfect for children who recognize familiar words and can sound out new words with help.
How to Start Your Own Religion: Form a Church, Gain Followers, Become Tax-Exempt, and Sway the Minds of Millions in Five Easy Steps
by Philip AthansYes, world domination and eternal adoration can be yours!"The way to make a million dollars is to start a religion."-Attributed to L. Ron Hubbard, founder of ScientologyWouldn't you like to control countless worshippers with a single word? To call forth bountiful offerings of gold and silver? Wouldn't you love to make your acolytes bow in awe of your greatness?Starting a new religion can be fun and profitable. You'll laugh along with Philip Athans (founder, leader, and sole member of the Church of Phil), as he shows you how to:Gather the flock and keep 'em coming back for moreOrganize mysterious and complex ritualsInterrogate (or just ridicule) the hell out of nonbelieversRecruit celebrity spokespeople, from Tom Cruise to Uma Thurman If you've ever felt the need to sacrifice on an altar beneath a blood-red moon, or just make Friday a holy day (three-day weekend, anyone?), this is the only sacred creed you need.Live long and prosper.
How to Stay Married: The Most Insane Love Story Ever Told
by Harrison Scott KeyFrom Harrison Scott Key, winner of the Thurber Prize for American Humor, How to Stay Married tells the hilarious, shocking, and spiritually profound story of one man&’s journey through hell and back when infidelity threatens his marriage.One gorgeous autumn day, Harrison discovers that his wife—the sweet, funny, loving mother of their three daughters, a woman &“who&’s spent just about every Sunday of her life in a church&”—is having an affair with a family friend. This revelation propels the hysterical, heartbreaking action of How to Stay Married, casting our narrator onto &“the factory floor of hell,&” where his wife was now in love with a man who &“wears cargo shorts, on purpose.&” What will he do? Kick her out? Set fire to all her panties in the yard? Beat this man to death with a gardening implement? Ask God for help in winning her back? Armed with little but a sense of humor and a hunger for the truth, Harrison embarks on a hellish journey into his past, seeking answers to the riddles of faith and forgiveness. Through an absurd series of escalating confessions and betrayals, Harrison reckons with his failure to love his wife in the ways she needed most, resolves to fight for his family, and in a climax almost too ridiculous to be believed, finally learns that love is no joke. How to Stay Married is a comic romp unlike any in contemporary literature, a wild Pilgrim&’s Progress through the hellscape of marriage and the mysteries of mercy.
How to Stay Single Forever
by Jenny LombardSerious relationships are risky, time-consuming, expensive--and often end up with someone getting hurt. Who needs that? Using these 101 strategies--including talking baby talk in bed, wearing a bathing suit that has a skirt, and being brutally honest--today's independent woman can easily avoid meaningful relationships with aplomb.
How to Steal a Dragon (Villains Academy #2)
by Ryan HammondIn the second book of this illustrated middle grade series that&’s The Bad Guys meets Amelia Fang, Bram and his merry gang of almost-villains must protect a forest of dragons before someone else gets to them first.It&’s the start of the winter season and there&’s a new teacher in town at Villains Academy: the notorious dragon rider Felix Frostbite. Class Z is in awe of him and his lessons on venomous beasts and mythical creatures, but werewolf Bram is suspicious. Soon Bram and his friends the Weirdoughs uncover Felix Frostbite&’s evil plan to steal all the dragons from the Wicked Woods and leave Villains Academy undefended. Have the gang learnt enough to outsmart their troublesome teacher, or will Felix Frostbite&’s heist go down in villain history?