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How to Ruin Everything: Essays
by George Watsky<P>Are you a sensible, universally competent individual? Are you tired of the crushing monotony of leaping gracefully from one lily pad of success to the next? Are you sick of doing everything right? <P>In this brutally honest and humorous debut, musician and artist George Watsky chronicles the small triumphs over humiliation that make life bearable and how he has come to accept defeat as necessary to personal progress. The essays in How to Ruin Everything range from the absurd (how he became an international ivory smuggler) to the comical (his middle-school rap battle dominance) to the revelatory (his experiences with epilepsy), yet all are delivered with the type of linguistic dexterity and self-awareness that has won Watsky more than 765,000 YouTube subscribers. Alternately ribald and emotionally resonant, How to Ruin Everything announces a versatile writer with a promising career ahead. <P><b>A New York Times Bestseller</b>
How to Ruin Your Children's Lives
by Mary McHughA parent&’s guide to giving wise advice, asking questions, encouraging good habits, and other ways to annoy their teenager. *Ask them about girlfriends or boyfriends in front of relatives *Run out on the basketball court with a first-aid kit if they&’re hurt during a game *Fall asleep when your teen is telling you what Sue said to Jennifer and what Jennifer told Maryanne and what Karen did then How to Ruin Your Children&’s Lives is a survival manual for enduring the transmutation of loving child to hostile teenager, and—with a little luck—maintaining enough sanity to one day hear those longed-for words, &“Hey, I guess you weren&’t so stupid after all.&” Purple hair? Belly rings? Bizarre musical tastes? Not a problem as long as you have these nearly 300 tips and tactics close at hand. With resident teenagers slamming doors and screaming at the top of their lungs, &“You're ruining my life!&” parents should at least make certain they&’re handling the job with poise.
How to Ruin Your Life
by Ben SteinAuthor Ben Stein offers a witty, humorous account of 35 "simple steps" on how you can quickly, easily, and effectively ruin your life.
How to Rule an Empire and Get Away with It
by K. J. Parker"Full of invention and ingenuity . . . Great fun." - SFX on Sixteen Ways to Defend a Walled CityThis is the history of how the City was saved, by Notker the professional liar, written down because eventually the truth always seeps through. The City may be under siege, but everyone still has to make a living. Take Notker, the acclaimed playwright, actor, and impresario. Nobody works harder, even when he's not working. Thankfully, it turns out that people enjoy the theater just as much when there are big rocks falling out of the sky. But Notker is a man of many talents, and all the world is, apparently, a stage. It seems that the empire needs him -- or someone who looks a lot like him -- for a role that will call for the performance of a lifetime. At least it will guarantee fame, fortune, and immortality. If it doesn't kill him first. In the follow up to the acclaimed Sixteen Ways to Defend a Walled City, K. J. Parker has created one of fantasy's greatest heroes, and he might even get away with it. For more from K. J. Parker, check out:Sixteen Ways to Defend a Walled CityThe Two of SwordsThe Two of Swords: Volume OneThe Two of Swords Volume TwoThe Two of Swords: Volume ThreeThe Fencer TrilogyColours in the SteelThe Belly of the BowThe Proof HouseThe Scavenger TrilogyShadowPatternMemoryEngineer TrilogyDevices and DesiresEvil for EvilThe EscapementThe CompanyThe Folding KnifeThe HammerSharps
How to Save Your Child from Ostrich Attacks, Accidental Time Travel, and Anything Else that Might Happen on an Average Tuesday
by James BreakwellThe parenting humorist behind the viral Twitter account @XplodingUnicorn and author of Only Dead on the Inside: A Parent's Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse presents the long-awaited guide to surviving everything else In the era of instant parent shaming and viral hot takes, some questions are too dangerous to ask out loud: What's the proper first aid for my toddler's vampire bite? What should I do if I take a wrong turn on the way to soccer practice and end up in the Cretaceous Period? How can I fend off Godzilla without disrupting my child's nap? Fortunately, there's now a parenting resource that answers those burning questions and many more. Professional comedy writer and amateur father James Breakwell's latest book tackles more than 90 survival challenges ordinary parents might encounter in their everyday lives, including: • How to protect your child against tigers, penguins, mastodons, and other animals found in the suburbs. • How to defeat ghosts, gremlins, mummies, and any other supernatural force that might prevent you from getting your kid to bed on time. • How to survive crashing horses, trains, hot air balloons, and other vehicles you might find in the carpool lane. This is an essential guide for anyone who has children, might have children someday, or is vaguely aware children exist. Put this book down at your own—and your children's—risk.
How to Save Your Tail*: *if you are a rat nabbed by cats who really like stories about magic spoons, wol ves with snout-warts, big, hairy chimney trolls . . . and cookies, too.
by Mary HansonHow does a cookie-baking Rat named Bob save his tail from being gobbled by two hungry cats? By serving them cookies and telling themfantastic fairy tales about his family, of course. There's the story about great-grand uncle Mustard who upgrades his family to a lovely three-bedroom brick house. (All's well until some wolves with snout-warts show up.) And there's the one about how starving Grandma Lois was forced to take a job spinning straw into gold. (Impossible to do . . . until a hairy chimney troll comes along.)With allusions to classic fairy tales, plus a storytelling rat to rival Scheherazade, this book--which also includes black-and-white illustrations, a family tree, and a map of Bob's neighborhood--is sure to hold both cats and kids captive.From the Hardcover edition.
How to Scare a Ghost
by Jean ReaganA laugh-out-loud funny Halloween picture book, packed full of essential Ghost-hunting tips.Have you always wanted to see a ghost? Then you need this book! First, you need to catch one. You could: make ghostly noises, carve creepy pumpkins, bake spooky cupcakes.Then it's time to have lots of Halloween fun with your new ghost buddy!This hilarious 'How To' guide style picture book is guaranteed to get kids giggling, and keep them busy on Halloween!Look out for more books in the brilliantly funny, New York Times bestselling series:How to Catch SantaHow to Surprise a DadHow to Raise a MumHow to Babysit a GrandadHow to Babysit a GrandmaHow to Get Your Teacher Ready for School
How to Scare a Ghost (How To Series)
by Jean ReaganFrom the creators of the New York Times bestsellers How to Catch Santa and How to Babysit a Grandpa comes a silly (and not-too-spooky) send-up of Halloween...and ghosts!Who says ghosts get to have all the fun on Halloween? In this humorous new addition to Jean Reagan and Lee Wildish's bestselling How to... books, the kids are in charge! But in order to scare a ghost, you might have to find one first. Guided by a tongue-in-cheek instructional style, two children show young readers how to set the stage for a spooktacular Halloween by carving pumpkins, playing games, and even reading scary stories. Has a ghost showed up? Great! Now the fun--er, the scaring--can really begin. Filled with charming role-reversal humor, creative ideas, and lots of holiday spirit, How to Scare a Ghost is sure to delight kids, parents, and things that go bump in the night.
How To Scare The Pants Off Your Pets (Ghost Buddy #3)
by Henry Winkler Lin OliverA middle schooler tries to teach a ghost some responsibility—but it doesn’t go as planned—in this tale by the New York Times–bestselling authors!When Billy Broccoli finds out his personal ghost, Hoover Porterhouse, is failing Responsibility, Billy decides it’s his mission to help Hoover turn his grade around. But how? Then inspiration hits. Billy is going to get Hoover a pet. There’s only one catch—the Hoove scares dogs out of their fur, birds out of their wings, and fish out of their gills. If Billy can’t find the perfect pet, how will Hoover ever learn and make the grade?Praise for Ghost Buddy: Zero to Hero“An endearingly uncool hero . . . Readers will root for Billy.” —Publishers Weekly
How to Sharpen Pencils: A Practical & Theoretical Treatise on the Artisanal Craft of Pencil Sharpening for Writers, Artists, Contractors, Flange Turners, Anglesmiths, & Civil Servants
by David ReesA hilarious guide to the lost art of artisanal pencil sharpeningHave you got the right kind of point on your pencil? Do you know how to achieve the perfect point for the kind of work you need out of that pencil?Deep in New York's Hudson River Valley, craftsman David Rees--the world's number one #2 pencil sharpener--still practices the age-old art of manual pencil sharpening. In 2010, he began offering his artisanal service to the world, to the jubilation of artists, writers, draftsmen, and standardized test takers.Now, in a book that is both a manifesto and a fully-illustrated walk-through of the many, many, many ways to sharpen a pencil, he reveals the secrets of his craft. By the time you're through this book, you will know how to get the perfect point on your pencil without injuring yourself. And if you think it's a joke, why don't you poke yourself with your newly sharpened pencil? Or better yet, don't--because it'll really hurt.From the Hardcover edition.
How to Sleep with a Movie Star
by Kristin Harmel26-year-old Claire Reilly is on top of her game as one of the youngest celebrity reporters and editors in the business. At Mod magazine, she is a consummate professional, interviewing dreamy Hollywood hunks and staying on top of every story. Unfortunately, her live-in boyfriend seems intent on setting the worlds record for celibacy, yet she finds herself penning articles like Ten Reasons You Should Have a One-Night Stand. When Claire lands the plum assignment of interviewing Cole Brannon, Hollywoods #1 hottie, she knows better than to mix business with pleasure, but the next morning, she finds herself in Coles bed....without her clothes. After the tabloids pick up the story, Claires life is turned upside down. In struggling to regain her reputation, shell learn a great deal about herself....and that you shouldnt always believe everything you read.
How to Speak Baseball: An Illustrated Guide to Ballpark Banter
by James Charlton Sally CookThis handsome guide to the language of baseball decodes the amusing, clever phrases that pepper commentary about the sport. Packed with witty explanations of everything from "duster" and "rubber arm" to "up the elevator," this ballpark lexicon plays on a nostalgic love for the national pastime while covering ground from baseball's beginnings to today. This humorous mix of definitions and anecdotes is the perfect gift for both lifelong baseball fans and rookies working up the ranks.
How to Speak Dragonese (The Heroic Misadventures of Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III #3)
by Cressida CowellThe rollicking sequel to "How to Train Your Dragon" and "How to Be a Pirate" offers a fast-paced plot, slapstick humor, and witty dialogue to enhance an exciting tale featuring Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III.
How to Speak Southern
by Steve MitchellThe laugh sensation that swept the nation, How to Speak Southern and More How to Speak Southern, is now collected in one complete--and completely hilarious--volume. Embraced by Southerners everywhere and dedicated to all Yankees in the hope that it will teach them to talk right, this uproarious book decodes "Suthun" wit and wisdom for "Nawthun" upstarts everywhere. From "aig" (a breakfast food that may be fried, scrambled, boiled, or poached) to "zackly" (as in "precisely"), here's just a sampling of what you'll find inside: ATTAIR: Contraction used to indicate the specific item desired. "Pass me attair gravy, please." EVERWHICHAWAYS: To be scattered in all directions. "You should have been there when the train hit that chicken truck. Them chickens flew everwhichaways." YONTNY: Do you want any. "Yontny more corn bread?" Funny as well as informative, this laugh-out-loud dictionary will keep you laughing and learning--no matter where you fall on the Mason-Dixon Line!
How to Spell Chanukah...And Other Holiday Dilemmas: 18 Writers Celebrate 8 Nights of Lights
by Emily FranklinRing in the holiday with eighteen writers who extol, excoriate, and expand our understanding of this most merry of Jewish festivals as they offer up funny, irreverent, and, yes, even nostalgic takes on a holiday that holds a special place in Jewish hearts . . . and stomachs.Pieces by Jonathan Tropper, Jennifer Gilmore, Steve Almond, Joanna Smith Rakoff, Adam Langer, and others address pressing issues: what is the weight gain associated with eating 432 latkes in eight nights? Offer joyous gratitude: “What a holiday! No pestilence, no slavery, no locusts, no cattle disease, or atonement. Thank God.” And afford tender truths: “You are reminded of your real gifts: a family you get to come home to.”Whether your family tradition included a Christmas tree or a Chanukah bush, whether the fights among your siblings rivaled the battles of the Maccabees, or even if you haven’t a clue who the Maccabees were, this little book illustrates the joys, frustrations, and small miracles of the season.
How to Spook a Ghost (Magical Creatures and Crafts #8)
by Sue FliessHalloween is about getting together with friends and family, choosing costumes, and trick-or-treating! Sometimes spooky, always delicious! But would you be brave enough to investigate strange noises? If you are, you may just meet a friendly ghost who only wants to be part of the fun! Be kind and include them in your trick-or-treating adventure and you may make a new friend! They'll be sure to enjoy the thrill of going out on Halloween night. So, grab some supplies—scissors, fabric, markers, and a partner—and get ready to make a costume for the biggest candy event of the year. Sue Fliess&’s bouncy read-aloud rhyming text and Simona Sanfilippo&’s energetic, whimsical illustrations will bring joy to young readers as they cheer on the kids and their new ghost friend. Also included are guides for teachers and parents about how to engage children in costume-making or an easy Halloween puppet craft, while learning about the history of Halloween, pumpkin carving, and the value of friendship and inclusion on this fun day of gathering with friends to dress up and collect treats.
How to Spot a Bastard by His Star Sign: The Ultimate Horrorscope
by Adèle Lang Susi RajahThe Ultimate HorrorscopeJoin the women around the world whose love lives have been transformed by the astro-guide that pulls no punches when it comes to the dark side of men and their star signs.Use it to... -Deride, ridicule, and annoy the hell out of men - Speed up the dating process by using star sign elimination - Avoid dating complete scum - Keep current boyfriends/husbands in their places - Keep conversation going at dinner parties - And much, much more!Discover who you are destined not to date...A match made in heaven or the relationship from hell? Find out which zodiac couplings are the least likely to result in derision, depression, divorce, or death! - Are you good enough for a LEO? - Can you put up with PISCES? - Will you get along with GEMINI? - Do you have the skills necessary to cope with VIRGO? Put yourself to the test with our 12 compatibility quizzes - each one carefully designed to ensure you know exactly which bastards to avoid in the future.Now men will cringe when you ask them what their star signs are!
How to Start First Grade (Step into Reading)
by Catherine A. Hapka Ellen Titlebaum Ellen VandenbergIt's back to school for Steve! Will his first day of first grade be ruined by the new kid? A hilarious Step 2 reader about self-confidence and friendship!Steve is so excited to start first grade with all his buddies from kindergarten! But then a new kid joins the class, and, boy, is she impressive! Hannah is from Alaska, and she's really cool. Even her show-and-tell is way more exciting than Steve's. But exaggerating to make himself seem cooler just lands Steve in the principal's office. Will he get into worse trouble, or can he maybe make a new friend? This book is a perfect follow-up to How to Start Kindergarten and a great choice for any kid getting ready to go back to school. Emergent readers will see themselves in this very relatable series. And when they're ready, they can read about the zany antics of Steve and his older brother, Will, in How Not to Start Third Grade, How Not to Babysit Your Brother, and How Not to Run for Class President (Step 3 books).Step 2 readers use basic vocabulary and short sentences to tell simple stories. They are perfect for children who recognize familiar words and can sound out new words with help.
How to Start Kindergarten (Step into Reading)
by Catherine A. Hapka Ellen Titlebaum Ellen VandenbergA hilarious Step 2 reader about starting at a new school!David is the new kid at school, and is worried about fitting in. Steve is NOT worried about fitting in, and tells David, "Just do what I do and you will be great!" But when David listens a little too well, Steve has a bona fide copycat on his hands!Join the brothers from How Not to Start Third Grade, How Not to Babysit Your Brother, and How Not to Run for Class President for a new adventure...from younger brother Steve's perspective! Zany antics and plot twists will feel relatable and fun in this hilarious reader. Step 2 readers use basic vocabulary and short sentences to tell simple stories. They are perfect for children who recognize familiar words and can sound out new words with help.
How to Start Your Own Religion: Form a Church, Gain Followers, Become Tax-Exempt, and Sway the Minds of Millions in Five Easy Steps
by Philip AthansYes, world domination and eternal adoration can be yours!"The way to make a million dollars is to start a religion."-Attributed to L. Ron Hubbard, founder of ScientologyWouldn't you like to control countless worshippers with a single word? To call forth bountiful offerings of gold and silver? Wouldn't you love to make your acolytes bow in awe of your greatness?Starting a new religion can be fun and profitable. You'll laugh along with Philip Athans (founder, leader, and sole member of the Church of Phil), as he shows you how to:Gather the flock and keep 'em coming back for moreOrganize mysterious and complex ritualsInterrogate (or just ridicule) the hell out of nonbelieversRecruit celebrity spokespeople, from Tom Cruise to Uma Thurman If you've ever felt the need to sacrifice on an altar beneath a blood-red moon, or just make Friday a holy day (three-day weekend, anyone?), this is the only sacred creed you need.Live long and prosper.
How to Stay Married: The Most Insane Love Story Ever Told
by Harrison Scott KeyFrom Harrison Scott Key, winner of the Thurber Prize for American Humor, How to Stay Married tells the hilarious, shocking, and spiritually profound story of one man&’s journey through hell and back when infidelity threatens his marriage.One gorgeous autumn day, Harrison discovers that his wife—the sweet, funny, loving mother of their three daughters, a woman &“who&’s spent just about every Sunday of her life in a church&”—is having an affair with a family friend. This revelation propels the hysterical, heartbreaking action of How to Stay Married, casting our narrator onto &“the factory floor of hell,&” where his wife was now in love with a man who &“wears cargo shorts, on purpose.&” What will he do? Kick her out? Set fire to all her panties in the yard? Beat this man to death with a gardening implement? Ask God for help in winning her back? Armed with little but a sense of humor and a hunger for the truth, Harrison embarks on a hellish journey into his past, seeking answers to the riddles of faith and forgiveness. Through an absurd series of escalating confessions and betrayals, Harrison reckons with his failure to love his wife in the ways she needed most, resolves to fight for his family, and in a climax almost too ridiculous to be believed, finally learns that love is no joke. How to Stay Married is a comic romp unlike any in contemporary literature, a wild Pilgrim&’s Progress through the hellscape of marriage and the mysteries of mercy.
How to Stay Single Forever
by Jenny LombardSerious relationships are risky, time-consuming, expensive--and often end up with someone getting hurt. Who needs that? Using these 101 strategies--including talking baby talk in bed, wearing a bathing suit that has a skirt, and being brutally honest--today's independent woman can easily avoid meaningful relationships with aplomb.
How To Steal a Dragon: The perfect read this Halloween! (Villains Academy #2)
by Ryan HammondBeing BAD has never felt so GOOD! The second book in the villainously funny, highly illustrated young middle-grade series from author-illustrator Ryan Hammond. For fans of Amelia Fang, Dog Man and Grimwood. Don&’t miss the third installment, How to Win the Gruesome Games, out in April 2024! &‘A charmingly villainous adventure about friendship, school and unspeakable evil.&’ Louie Stowell, author of Loki: A Bad God&’s Guide to Being Good &‘Criminally fun!&’ Danny Wallace, author of The Day the Screens Went Blank It&’s the start of the winter term and there&’s a new teacher in town at Villains Academy – the notorious dragon-rider Felix Frostbite. Class Z are in awe of him and his lessons on venomous beasts and mythical creatures, but werewolf Bram is suspicious. Soon Bram and his friends the Cereal Killers uncover Felix Frostbite&’s evil plan to steal all the dragons from the Wicked Woods and leave Villains Academy undefended. Have the gang learnt enough to outsmart their troublesome teacher, or will Felix Frostbite&’s heist go down in villain history?PRAISE FOR VILLAINS ACADEMY: &‘Frightfully fun – Villains Academy had me cackling from the very first page!&’ Katie Tsang, co-author of the Dragon Realm series &‘I loved the spookily funny Villains Academy. It's a work of (evil) genius!&’ Jenny McLachlan, author of The Land of Roar &‘Heart-warming and hilarious – Villains Academy is a spookalicious treat, set to terrify every other book on your shelf.&’ Jack Meggitt-Phillips, author of The Beast and the Bethany &‘An absolute HOOT! Evil laughs aplenty!&’ Sophy Henn, author and illustrator of the Pizazz series &‘A joyful hug of a book with genuine warmth and heart.&’ Hannah Gold, author of The Last Bear &‘A delightfully fun adventure with real heart and humour.&’ Benjamin Dean, author of Me, My Dad and the End of the Rainbow &‘Immersive, funny, and with a cast of scarily loveable characters, Villains Academy made me feel like I was IN the book!&’ Mel Taylor-Bessent, author of The Christmas Carrolls &‘A fabulously funny adventure. I want to enrol in Villains Academy!&’ Nick Sheridan, author of The Case of the Runaway Brain &‘Wickedly funny and full of quirky yet loveable characters.&’ Iona Rangeley, author of Einstein the Penguin &‘This is a brilliant, bonkers work packed with top-notch illustration.&’ Jack Noel, author and illustrator of the Comic Classics series &‘Full of wonderful characters, Villains Academy is such a FUN read!&’ Rikin Parekh, illustrator of The Worst Class in the World series
How to Steal a Dragon (Villains Academy #2)
by Ryan HammondIn the second book of this illustrated middle grade series that&’s The Bad Guys meets Amelia Fang, Bram and his merry gang of almost-villains must protect a forest of dragons before someone else gets to them first.It&’s the start of the winter season and there&’s a new teacher in town at Villains Academy: the notorious dragon rider Felix Frostbite. Class Z is in awe of him and his lessons on venomous beasts and mythical creatures, but werewolf Bram is suspicious. Soon Bram and his friends the Weirdoughs uncover Felix Frostbite&’s evil plan to steal all the dragons from the Wicked Woods and leave Villains Academy undefended. Have the gang learnt enough to outsmart their troublesome teacher, or will Felix Frostbite&’s heist go down in villain history?
How to Steal a Scoundrel's Heart: A Novel (The Mating Habits of Scoundrels #4)
by Vivienne LorretIn USA Today bestselling author Vivienne Lorret’s latest steamy romance, a determined debutante discovers that making a deal with a notorious rake might just give her more than she ever bargained for… Ruined debutante Prudence Thorogood lost everything when she was ousted from polite society, including her inheritance. Now she’ll do anything to take back what’s hers… even if she has to steal it. Accepting a scandalous offer from Lord Savage seems like the perfect solution to disguise her criminal intentions from the ton. Until she discovers that there’s more to this scoundrel than meets the eye.Leo Ramsgate, Marquess of Savage, has everything except for a heart. That organ dried up long ago after a devastating betrayal. Since then, he vowed never to trust or love again. He ensures that his dalliances are mutually satisfying, but always temporary… until he meets the reserved Miss Thorogood. Not one of his previous lovers has ever beguiled him the way she does. Not one has made him want to break his own rules. Not one has tempted him to keep her… forever. Prue has every intention of disappearing from London after their affair ends. But her plan falters when she finds herself falling hopelessly in love with a man who may never love her in return. With time running out and so much at stake, she cannot help but wonder… How to Steal a Scoundrel’s Heart?