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I Don't Believe It, Archie!
by Andrew Norriss Hannah ShawOdd things happen to Archie every day. Some very odd things. On Monday, a piano rolls down the hill and traps his new friend Cyd in her mum's car. And then a truck tips a load of gravel on top of it. But don't worry--she's ok. Actually, Cyd finds it exciting though of course, she doesn't believe that this sort of thing happens to Archie every day--until they find themselves trapped in a house with a sedated lion trainer, and a very awake lion. Poor Archie! But as he soon discovers, if odd things have to happen to him, it's a lot better if they happen when Cyd's around. Join Archie and Cyd for a whole week's worth of completely surprising and outrageously funny escapades.
I Don't Care About Your Band: What I Learned from Indie Rockers, Trust Funders, Pornographers, Felons, Faux-Se nsitive Hipsters, and Other Guys I've Dated
by Julie KlausnerRead Julie Klausner's posts on the Penguin Blog In the tradition of Cynthia Heimel and Chelsea Handler, and with the boisterous iconoclasm of Amy Sedaris, Julie Klausner's candid and funny debut I Don't Care About Your Band sheds light on the humiliations we endure to find love--and the lessons that can be culled from the wreckage. I Don't Care About Your Band posits that lately the worst guys to date are the ones who seem sensitive. It's the jerks in nice guy clothing, not the players in Ed Hardy, who break the hearts of modern girls who grew up in the shadow of feminism, thinking they could have everything, but end up compromising constantly. The cowards, the kidults, the critics, and the contenders: these are the stars of Klausner's memoir about how hard it is to find a man--good or otherwise--when you're a cynical grown-up exiled in the dregs of Guyville. Off the popularity of her New York Times "Modern Love" piece about getting the brush-off from an indie rock musician, I Don't care About Your Band is marbled with the wry strains of Julie Klausner's precocious curmudgeonry and brimming with truths that anyone who's ever been on a date will relate to. Klausner is an expert at landing herself waist-deep in crazy, time and time again, in part because her experience as a comedy writer (Best Week Ever, TV Funhouse on SNL) and sketch comedian from NYC's Upright Citizens Brigade fuels her philosophy of how any scene should unfold, which is, "What? That sounds crazy? Okay, I'll do it." I Don't Care About Your Band charts a distinctly human journey of a strong-willed but vulnerable protagonist who loves men like it's her job, but who's done with guys who know more about love songs than love. Klausner's is a new outlook on dating in a time of pop culture obsession, and she spent her 20's doing personal field research to back up her philosophies. This is the girl's version of High Fidelity. By turns explicit, funny and moving, Klausner's debut shows the evolution of a young woman who endured myriad encounters with the wrong guys, to emerge with real- world wisdom on matters of the heart. I Don't Care About Your Band is Julie Klausner's manifesto, and every one of us can relate.
I Don't Care About Your Band
by Julie KlausnerRead Julie Klausner's posts on the Penguin Blog In the tradition of Cynthia Heimel and Chelsea Handler, and with the boisterous iconoclasm of Amy Sedaris, Julie Klausner's candid and funny debut I Don't Care About Your Band sheds light on the humiliations we endure to find love--and the lessons that can be culled from the wreckage. I Don't Care About Your Band posits that lately the worst guys to date are the ones who seem sensitive. It's the jerks in nice guy clothing, not the players in Ed Hardy, who break the hearts of modern girls who grew up in the shadow of feminism, thinking they could have everything, but end up compromising constantly. The cowards, the kidults, the critics, and the contenders: these are the stars of Klausner's memoir about how hard it is to find a man--good or otherwise-- when you're a cynical grown-up exiled in the dregs of Guyville. Off the popularity of her New York Times "Modern Love" piece about getting the brush-off from an indie rock musician, I Don't care About Your Band is marbled with the wry strains of Julie Klausner's precocious curmudgeonry and brimming with truths that anyone who's ever been on a date will relate to. Klausner is an expert at landing herself waist-deep in crazy, time and time again, in part because her experience as a comedy writer (Best Week Ever, TV Funhouse on SNL) and sketch comedian from NYC's Upright Citizens Brigade fuels her philosophy of how any scene should unfold, which is, "What? That sounds crazy? Okay, I'll do it. " I Don't Care About Your Band charts a distinctly human journey of a strong-willed but vulnerable protagonist who loves men like it's her job, but who's done with guys who know more about love songs than love. Klausner's is a new outlook on dating in a time of pop culture obsession, and she spent her 20's doing personal field research to back up her philosophies. This is the girl's version of High Fidelity. By turns explicit, funny and moving, Klausner's debut shows the evolution of a young woman who endured myriad encounters with the wrong guys, to emerge with real- world wisdom on matters of the heart. I Don't Care About Your Band is Julie Klausner's manifesto, and every one of us can relate. .
I Don't Care if You Like Me, I Like Me: Bernie Mac's Daily Motivational
by Bernie Mac Rhonda R. McCulloughListen up y&’all. Bernie Mac is back, and this here is his page-a-day prescription for a better life and career. You wanna be successful, don&’t ya? All you gotta do is read one page a day. So come on, let&’s start your edumacation right now.Are y&’all ready to get yourself together? It&’s time for you to start livin&’ your best life, and all you gotta do is read one got-d*mn page a day. You think you can handle that? Sure you can. You can do anything you wanna do, but you never gonna hit a home run if you ain&’t steppin&’ up to the plate. You got yourself a dream? You got a vision? There ain&’t no sugarcoatin&’ it. The only one who&’s gonna make it happen is you, but this book is gonna help. It&’s alright—we all need a little help once in a while. I Don&’t Care if You Like Me, I Like Me is 365 days of Bernie Mac tellin&’ it like it T-I-Iz. You gonna be gettin&’ some of his best advice, his personal stories showin&’ y&’all that what he&’s tellin&’ you works, and some commentary from Rhonda &’cuz that woman knows what's up. We&’re talkin&’ about bein&’ your best self, gettin&’ better in your relationships, findin&’ your place in the world, and openin&’ up that door to plentitude. So, the choice is yours. Are you ready to be the best sumb*tch you can be? You wanna be happy and successful? You got somethin&’ more important goings on right now? Quit procrasternatin&’ and do it. &“Bernie Mac had a way of telling it straight that made you listen and made you think. He was genuine, always positive, and truly cared if you were okay. I Don&’t Care if You Like Me, I Like Me is an undeniably funny and poignant strategy for reaching your fullest potential one day at a time.&” —Courtney B. Vance, Multi-Award-Winning Actor of Stage and Screen &“I&’ve never seen anything like I Don&’t Care if You Like Me, I Like Me. This book is self-help, Chicago-style. It&’s the perfect combination of comedy and truth, just like you&’d expect from Bernie Mac.&” —Sherri Shepherd, Award-Winning Actress, Comedian, and Talk Show Host &“I Don&’t Care if You Like Me, I Like Me is some straight-talking truth from the no-holds-barred Bernie Mac. His self-help approach makes you want to do exactly that—help yourself! His raw honesty will make you laugh, cry and possibly rethink your entire life.&” —Kym Whitley, American comedian and actress
I Don't Have a Happy Place: Cheerful Stories of Despondency and Gloom
by Kim KorsonWhen a trip to the therapist ends with the question “Can’t Kim be happy?” Kim Korson responds the way any normal person would—she makes fun of it. Because really, does everyone have to be happy?Aside from her father wearing makeup and her mother not feeling well (a lot), Kim Korson’s 1970s suburban upbringing was typical. Sometimes she wished her brother were an arsonist just so she’d have a valid excuse to be unhappy. And when life moves along pretty decently--she breaks into show business, gets engaged in the secluded jungles of Mexico, and moves her family from Brooklyn to dreamy rural Vermont—the real despondency sets in. It’s a skill to find something wrong in just about every situation, but Kim has an exquisite talent for negativity. It is only after half a lifetime of finding kernels of unhappiness where others find joy that she begins to wonder if she is even capable of experiencing happiness.In I Don’t Have a Happy Place, Kim Korson untangles what it means to be a true malcontent. Rife with evocative and nostalgic observations, unapologetic realism, and razor-sharp wit, I Don’t Have a Happy Place is told in humorous, autobiographical stories. This fresh-yet-dark voice is sure to make you laugh, nod your head in recognition, and ultimately understand what it truly means to be unhappy. Always.
I Don't Know What to Call My Cat
by Simon Philip Ella BaileyWhen a cat unexpectedly arrives at her house, a little girl takes him in and tries to find the perfect name. Kitty? Rambo? Mr. Maestro? None of these is quite right. Catowning is harder than she imagined, and then the cat disappears! Good thing her next pet arrives so unexpectedly—and he's easy to name, even if he is a bit naughty. But when Steve the Gorilla proves to be much too mischievous to be a pet, the missing, nameless cat just might turn out to be a hero!
I Don't Know What You Know Me From: My Life as a Co-Star
by Judy GreerYou know Judy Greer, right? Maybe from The Wedding Planner, 13 Going on 30, Carrie, Arrested Development, or The Descendants. Yes, you totally recognize her. And, odds are, you already feel like she's your friend. In her first book of essays, I Don't Know What You Know Me From, Greer writes about everything you would hope to hear from your best friend: how a midnight shopping trip to CVS can cure all; what it's like to wake up one day with stepchildren; and how she really feels about fans telling her that she's prettier in person. Yes, it's all here--from the hilarious moments to the intimate confessions. But Judy Greer isn't just a regular friend--she's a celebrity friend. Want to know which celebs she's peed next to? Or what the Academy Awards are actually like? Or which hot actor gave her father a Harley-Davidson? Don't worry; Greer reveals all of that, too. You'll love her because, besides being laugh-out-loud funny, she makes us genuinely feel like she's one of us. Because even though she sometimes has a stylist and a makeup artist, she still wears (and hates!) Spanx. Because even after almost twenty years in Hollywood, she still hasn't figured everything out--except that you should always wash your face before bed. Always. From the Hardcover edition.
I Don't Like Chocolate: Pink 1B (Reading Champion #351)
by Jackie WalterEveryone likes different foods - even animals! This funny book will have young readers considering their food choices, laughing all the while.Reading Champion offers independent reading books for children to practise and reinforce their developing reading skills.Fantastic, original stories are accompanied by engaging artwork and a reading activity. Each book has been carefully graded so that it can be matched to a child's reading ability, encouraging reading for pleasure.Independent Reading Pink 1B stories are perfect for children aged 4+ who are reading at book band 1B (Pink) in classroom reading lessons.In this story, the little girl is determined to share her packed lunch with the animals, but they just don't like the same food!
I Don't Really Love You: And Other Gentle Reminders of Existential Dread in Your Everyday Life
by Alex BeyerGo from aww to awful! with I Don't Really Love You, a darkly humorous collection of adorable pet photography and soul-crushing one-liners, based on the popular Instagram @365DaysofDread. Drawing on the black humor of author Alex Beyer, I Don't Really Love You takes readers on a journey from delightful to depressing (and back again!). Dead pan captions, from "Birthdays don't matter" to "Inadequacy haunts me endlessly," peek out from behind the forms of calm cats and happy-go-lucky puppies, creating an unexpected contrast and offbeat appeal. Pet lovers and humor lovers will be captivated in equal measure, with more than 75 full-color photographs of cats and dogs in a range of breeds, alongside an off-beat, subversive voice. With the perfect attitude for our rapidly changing world, this quirky book will make readers laugh out loud (after sending them crawling under the covers to contemplate their existence).
I Don't Want to Be a Frog
by Dev PettyThe hit book about a willful young frog with a serious identity crisis and his heard-it-all-before father. Perfect for fans of Mo Willems&’s Don&’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus! and Jon Klassen&’s I Want My Hat Back!Frog wants to be anything but a slimy, wet frog. A cat, perhaps. Or a rabbit. An owl? But when a hungry wolf arrives—a wolf who HATES eating frogs—our hero decides that being himself isn&’t so bad after all. In this very silly story with a sly message, told in hilarious dialogue between a feisty young frog and his heard-it-all-before father, young readers will identify with little Frog&’s desire to be something different, while laughing along at his stubborn yet endearing schemes to prove himself right.And look for the hilarious sequels—I Don't Want to Be Big, There's Nothing to Do!, and I Don't Want to Go to Sleep.★ "First-time author Petty&’s dialogue between a frog father and his son makes its point about accepting one&’s nature with a big grin. . . . The story might create similar gratitude in the minds of readers—or it might just make them giggle."—Publishers Weekly, STARRED REVIEW"A lively look at self-acceptance."—Kirkus Reviews"This amusing story ends with a laugh and a much more content frog."—School Library Journal"Silliness and deadpan humor combine into a hopping good story of being happy with who you are."—Booklist"A paean to self-acceptance wrapped in snappy dialogue and illustrated with richly colored comic paintings."—Wall Street Journal"Petty and Boldt provide just enough predictability to hook youngest readers, then deliver a delightful twist or two to create surprise and satisfaction—for both the green hero and the many fans he'll make with this book."—Shelf Awareness"This lighthearted exploration of identity will delight as a readaloud."—The Bulletin of the Center for Children's Books
I Don't Want to Be Big
by Dev PettyFans of the hit picture book I Don&’t Want to Be a Frog will love this silly companion featuring a frog that's still as stubborn as ever and his surprisingly patient father."Reminiscent of Mo Willems&’s 'Elephant and Piggie' series"—Publishers Weekly Frog does NOT want to grow up. Doesn&’t need to be tall. Doesn&’t want to be able to jump high enough to see the tree frogs. He&’s just FINE being small. Besides, if you grow up, you don&’t get to do fun things like jump in mud puddles with your best friend, Pig. Do you? This hilarious story—which uses humor to teach that it&’s great being exactly who you are—is sure to bring a smile to every kid who just wants to stay a kid, in addition to those who are the smallest in their class. It&’s a sly and smartly funny tale that will have children and parents laughing together.And look for all the books in this hilarious series:I Don't Want to Be a FrogThere's Nothing to Do!I Don't Want to Go to Sleep
I Don't Want to Be Quiet!
by Laura Ellen AndersonOne little girl just doesn't want to be quiet, until she learns how much fun she can have without making a sound--especially in the library.I don't want to be quiet, I'd rather be LOUD!I want to be HEARD andstand out from the crowd!Sometimes it's hard to be quiet. There are drums to drum and hums to hum, drinks to slurp and burps to burp--so many loud and wonderful noises to make! So when this spunky little girl goes to the library, it's extra difficult to behave--until the entire room tells her to SHHHHHH. It's only then, as she discovers the wonders that live inside books, that she sees how much fun she can have in her own imagination--all without making a peep.In this bright and playful rhyming picture book filled with vibrant, cheerful illustrations, readers learn the joy that is possible when we really stop and listen.Praise for I Don't Want to Be Quiet:"Vivid, imaginative illustrations engage readers and viscerally convey the wide range of emotions felt by this audacious protagonist. Perfect for lively read-alouds!" --Kirkus Reviews
I Don't Want To Be Small
by Laura Ellen AndersonOne little kid can't stand being short, until he finds a new friend and learns that each of us has something to offer, regardless of size!No! It's not fair.I don't want to be small.I want to grow faster so I can be tall!Being shorter than your friends, your brother, and so many other people can be tough. It's hard to see in a crowd, you can't always ride the fun rides, and sometimes even the clothing you want to wear is too big! But worst of all, being small means that it's impossible to get your teddy bear down when it gets stuck in a tree. What's a short kid to do? It's only when a taller friend comes along and offers to help that he realizes there's no such thing as one size fits all--and just how wonderful that is.In this bright and playful rhyming picture book filled with vibrant, cheerful illustrations, readers learn that being short, tall, or anything in between can be plenty of fun.
I Don't Want to Die Poor: Essays
by Michael ArceneauxFrom the New York Times bestselling author of I Can&’t Date Jesus, which Vogue called &“a piece of personal and cultural storytelling that is as fun as it is illuminating,&” comes a wry and insightful essay collection that explores the financial and emotional cost of chasing your dreams. Ever since Oprah Winfrey told the 2007 graduating class of Howard University, &“Don&’t be afraid,&” Michael Arceneaux has been scared to death. You should never do the opposite of what Oprah instructs you to do, but when you don&’t have her pocket change, how can you not be terrified of the consequences of pursuing your dreams? Michael has never shied away from discussing his struggles with debt, but in I Don&’t Want to Die Poor, he reveals the extent to which it has an impact on every facet of his life—how he dates; how he seeks medical care (or in some cases, is unable to); how he wrestles with the question of whether or not he should have chosen a more financially secure path; and finally, how he has dealt with his &“dream&” turning into an ongoing nightmare as he realizes one bad decision could unravel all that he&’s earned. You know, actual &“economic anxiety.&” I Don&’t Want to Die Poor is an unforgettable and relatable examination about what it&’s like leading a life that often feels out of your control. But in Michael&’s voice that&’s &“as joyful as he is shrewd&” (BuzzFeed), these razor-sharp essays will still manage to make you laugh and remind you that you&’re not alone in this often intimidating journey.
I Don't Want to Read This Book
by Max GreenfieldFrom actor Max Greenfield (from television&’s New Girl) comes a hilarious picture book for every child who thinks they don't like to read books (and all the kids—and grownups—who do). Words, sentences, and even worse, paragraphs fill up books. Ugh! So what's a reluctant reader to do? Actor Max Greenfield (New Girl) and New York Times bestselling illustrator Mike Lowery bring the energy and laugh-out-loud fun out for every child (and parent) who thinks they don&’t want to read a book. Joining the ranks of favorites like The Book With No Pictures and The Serious Goose, this clever and playful read-aloud breaks the fourth wall and will have all readers coming back for laughs again and again!
I don't want to study mathematics!: Math is a drag
by A. P. HernandezMartin is eight years old and hates mathematics. From now on, he will never study math again; that means no more addition, no more subtraction, no more problems, no more everything else. Martin is convinced that math is useless and, besides, it is a drag. However, his life is about to change completely.
I Don't Want to Wash My Hands!
by Tony RossFrom beloved children's author and illustrator Tony Ross, comes a fun to read and humorous take on the importance of handwashing.The Little Princess does not want to wash her hands. After all, she's already washed her hands so many times! She's washed her hands before eating and after going outside. She's washed her hands after sneezing and using the potty. Why should she wash her hands anymore? Well, because of germs and nasties, she's told, which are too small to even see! But if they get inside your body, they can make you ill. Not even a Princess wants to be in bed all day! Now the Little Princess knows just what to do! She's got just one more question... "Have you washed your hands?"
I Dream in Blue: Life, Death, and the New York Giants
by Roger DirectorI Dream in Blue is television producer Roger Director's up close and personal chronicle of the 2006-2007 seasons spent with Eli Manning, Plaxico Burress, and the rest of the New York Giants, from the first snap of summer camp to the final touchdown of a tumultuous, heart-stopping journey.Throughout it all, Director's got only one end in mind: the Super Bowl. He guts it out with Big Blue, refusing to let anything sideline him—not his fumble-prone television career, not even the strain of occasionally having to act like a responsible husband and father. Along the way, he tells the story of this great sports dynasty's origins and traces its rise to become the heartbeat of New York City and, finally, the world-shocking, Patriots-beating king of pro football. Director was there in Phoenix with his Big Blue heroes as they pulled off the greatest upset in Super Bowl history. In this edition, featuring brand-new chapters that take Giants fans along for the ultimate joy ride, Director continues to dream in blue—and this time watches his dream come true.
I Drink for a Reason
by David CrossAfter a decade spent in isolation in the Ugandan jungles thinking about stuff, David Cross has written his first book. Known for roles on the small screen such as "never-nude" Tobias Funke on Arrested Development and the role of "David" in Mr. Show With Bob And David, as well as a hugely successful stand-up routine full of sharp-tongued rants and rages, Cross has carved out his place in American comedy. Whether deflating the pomposity of religious figures, calling out the pathetic symbiosis of pseudo-celebrity and its leaching fandom, or merely pushing the buttons of the way-too-easily offended P.C. left or the caustic, double-standard of the callous (but funnier) right, Cross has something to say about everyone, including his own ridiculous self. Now, for the first time, Cross is weaving his media mockery, celebrity denunciation, religious commentary and sheer madness into book form, revealing the true story behind his almost existential distaste of Jim Belushi ("The Belush"), disclosing the up-to-now unpublished minutes to a meeting of Fox television network executives, and offering up a brutally grotesque run-in with Bill O'Reilly. And as if this wasn't enough for your laughing pleasure in these troubled times, some of the pieces splinter off with additional material being created online in exclusive video and animated web content created solely for the book-a historical first (presumably)! With a mix of personal essays, satirical fiction posing as truth,, advice for rich people, information from America's least favorite Rabbi and a top-ten list of top-ten lists, I DRINK FOR A REASON is as unique as the comedian himself, and cannot be missed.
I Eat Poop.: A Dung Beetle Story
by Mark PettIn the vein of Please Don't Eat Me and We Don't Eat Our Classmates, I Eat Poop. by Mark Pett is a heartwarming and hilarious picture book about friendship, fitting in, and accepting each other's differences.Dougie has a secret: he’s not a ground beetle.He’s a dung beetle, and he loves eating poop.Dougie knows he should be proud. Dung beetles help process waste and do other extraordinary things! But Dougie also knows that if anyone at school saw his lunch, he’d be an outcast.One day, the lunchroom bugs out over a classmate eating poop, and Dougie must make a choice. Can he stand up for his friend—and for his true self?I Eat Poop. is packed with important social emotional learning themes and is great for classroom or at home discussion. Read I Eat Poop. for conversations about:- Bullying and being kind- Standing up for your friends and speaking up for your beliefs- Being proud of your culture and heritage- Embracing diversity and accepting and celebrating differencesThe book also includes incredible, STEM-related facts about bugs.
I Even Funnier: A Middle School Story (I Funny #2)
by James Patterson Chris Grabenstein Laura ParkIn this follow up to the #1 New York Times bestseller I Funny, middle schooler Jamie Grimm has big dreams of being the best stand-up comic in the world--and he won't let the fact that he's wheelchair-bound stand in his way. After winning the New York state finals in the Planet's Funniest Kid Comic Contest, Jamie's off to Boston to compete in the national semi-finals. But when one of his best buddies runs into trouble at school and a sudden family health scare rears its head, Jamie has to put his comedic ambitions on hold and stand by the people he cares about. Can Jamie pass up the big competition for the sake of his friends and family? (Includes more than 175 black-and-white illustrations.)
I F*cking Love You: Real and Relatable Ways to Be Romantic
by Summersdale PublishersI love you more than I love cake. And I really like cake.Romantic declarations don’t need to be all lovey-dovey: they can be amusingly honest or laced with profanity! Forget the mushy stuff you see in the movies – this book is loaded with down-to-earth proclamations and witty one-liners that will let a special someone know how you really feel.
I F*cking Love You: Real and Relatable Ways to Be Romantic
by Summersdale PublishersI love you more than I love cake. And I really like cake.Romantic declarations don’t need to be all lovey-dovey: they can be amusingly honest or laced with profanity! Forget the mushy stuff you see in the movies – this book is loaded with down-to-earth proclamations and witty one-liners that will let a special someone know how you really feel.
I Feel Bad About My Neck: And Other Thoughts On Being A Woman
by Nora Ephron#1 NATIONAL BESTSELLER • A candid, hilarious look at women of a certain age and dealing with the tribulations of maintenance, menopause, empty nests, and life itself.&“Wickedly witty ... Crackling sharp ... Fireworks shoot out [of this collection].&” —The Boston GlobeWith her disarming, intimate, completely accessible voice, and dry sense of humor, Nora Ephron chronicles her life as an obsessed cook, passionate city dweller, and hapless parent. But mostly she speaks frankly and uproariously about life as an older woman. Utterly courageous, uproariously funny, and unexpectedly moving in its truth telling, I Feel Bad About My Neck is a scrumptious, irresistible treat of a book, full of truths, laugh out loud moments that will appeal to readers of all ages.
I Feel Relatively Neutral About New York
by Avery Monsen Jory JohnHave you ever loved something, but also totally not loved it at the same time? Would you like to "heart" New York, but you're not quite ready for that kind of commitment? Have you ever had the feeling that other cities probably have pretty good pizza, too? This light-hearted skewering of the Big Apple sets the record straight with semi-informed opinions, questionable charts, and some slapdash Photoshop work. On a scale from one to spectacular, we give New York a five. And after reading this book, we think you ll agree! Or whatever.