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The Mammoth Book of Great British Humour (The Mammoth Bks.)
by Michael PowellA doorstopper of a collection of the very best of both contemporary and classic British wit and humour. From Monty Python's 'Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more . . .' to Dan Antopolski's 'Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge?'. From George Bernard Shaw to Michael McIntyre, from Eric Morecombe to Omid Djalili, and from Oscar Wilde to Jimmy Carr, a side-splitting look at Britain, the British and life in general. Including these gems from Britain's finest comedians:I was delighted to learn that my friend's schadenfreude was not as satisfying as mine. Armando Iannucci.I went on a girls' night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill'. I went as Rose West. Zoe LyonsFor a while I was the perfect mother. Then the Pethidine wore off. Jenny Eclair.My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that. Jack Dee.Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings because it's hardly ever for them? Harry Hill.Arse-gravy of the very worst kind. Stephen Fry on The Da Vinci Code.You have to come up with this shit every year. Last week I just wrote "I still love you, see last year's card for full details." Michael McIntyre on Valentines Day.I went to the doctor and he said, 'You've got hypochondria.' I said, 'Not that as well!'Tim Vine.I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge. Spike Milligan.When someone close to you dies, move seats. Peter Kay.My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden. Eric Morecambe.My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen. Jimmy Carr.Eighty-two point six per cent of statistics are made up on the spot. Vic Reeves.A bird in the hand invariably shits on your wrist. Billy Connolly.Getting divorced isn't like a bereavement at all, because if he's died, I'd have had me mortgage paid, and I could've danced on his grave. Sarah Millican.My greatest hero is Nelson Mandela: incarcerated for 25 years, he was released in 1990, he's been out about 18 years now and he hasn't re-offended. Ricky Gervais.If you want to confuse a girl, buy her a pair of chocolate shoes. Milton Jones.Phil Collins is losing his hearing, making him the luckiest man at a Phil Collins Concert. Simon Amstell.We'll continue our investigation into the political beliefs of nudists. We've already noticed a definite swing to the left. Ronnie Barker.A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts. Tommy Cooper
The Mammoth Book of Great British Humour (Mammoth Books #159)
by Michael PowellA doorstopper of a collection of the very best of both contemporary and classic British wit and humour. From Monty Python's 'Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more . . .' to Dan Antopolski's 'Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge?'. From George Bernard Shaw to Michael McIntyre, from Eric Morecombe to Omid Djalili, and from Oscar Wilde to Jimmy Carr, a side-splitting look at Britain, the British and life in general. Including these gems from Britain's finest comedians:I was delighted to learn that my friend's schadenfreude was not as satisfying as mine. Armando Iannucci.I went on a girls' night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill'. I went as Rose West. Zoe LyonsFor a while I was the perfect mother. Then the Pethidine wore off. Jenny Eclair.My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that. Jack Dee.Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings because it's hardly ever for them? Harry Hill.Arse-gravy of the very worst kind. Stephen Fry on The Da Vinci Code.You have to come up with this shit every year. Last week I just wrote "I still love you, see last year's card for full details." Michael McIntyre on Valentines Day.I went to the doctor and he said, 'You've got hypochondria.' I said, 'Not that as well!'Tim Vine.I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge. Spike Milligan.When someone close to you dies, move seats. Peter Kay.My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden. Eric Morecambe.My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen. Jimmy Carr.Eighty-two point six per cent of statistics are made up on the spot. Vic Reeves.A bird in the hand invariably shits on your wrist. Billy Connolly.Getting divorced isn't like a bereavement at all, because if he's died, I'd have had me mortgage paid, and I could've danced on his grave. Sarah Millican.My greatest hero is Nelson Mandela: incarcerated for 25 years, he was released in 1990, he's been out about 18 years now and he hasn't re-offended. Ricky Gervais.If you want to confuse a girl, buy her a pair of chocolate shoes. Milton Jones.Phil Collins is losing his hearing, making him the luckiest man at a Phil Collins Concert. Simon Amstell.We'll continue our investigation into the political beliefs of nudists. We've already noticed a definite swing to the left. Ronnie Barker.A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts. Tommy Cooper
The Mammoth Book of Hollywood Scandals (Mammoth Books #406)
by Michelle MorganMurders, suicides, unexplained deaths, scandalous romances, illegitimate children, cover-ups, and more, from the 1920s to Hollywood's Golden Age in the 1960s and right up to the present day.It covers over 60 scandals including: The Roscoe 'Fatty' Arbuckle Scandal; Clark Gable's Baby Scandals; The Rape of Patricia Douglas; The Life and Death of Jean Harlow; The Sudden Death of James Dean; Marilyn Monroe's Mysterious Death; John Belushi Dies at the Chateau Marmont; Madonna's Hollywood Stalker; Hugh Grant's Hollywood Scandal; Winona Ryder Is Arrested For Shoplifting; The Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie Love Triangle; The Tragic Life and Death of Anna Nicole Smith; The Life and Death of Michael Jackson; Arnold Schwarzenegger's Love Child; The Very Public Melt-Down of Charlie Sheen; The Rise and Fall of Whitney Houston; The Marriage of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes and many, many more.
The Mammoth Book of Insults (Mammoth Books)
by Geoff TibballsNever be stuck for a wicked line again! - the ultimate collection of insultsHere is the biggest and best ever collection of insults and sharp retorts for when you just wish you could have thought of something faster. Editor Geoff Tibballs presents over 5000 come-backs, put-downs, snaps, insults, unadmiring quips and quotes, for every occasion. From the most elegant of studied insults to the wickedest of putdowns, from the language of the street to the literary, political, and entertainment worlds, from playground insults to sports, family and marriage jibes - here is every possible barb you could ever need, guaranteed to crack up all those around you. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race? Your mother's so fat, she has her own area code. Are your parents siblings? Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice. Is there no beginning to your talents? You'd be out of your depth in a puddle. Don't you need a licence to be that ugly? I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my arse. I'd love to go out with you but I have to worm my dog.
The Mammoth Book of Insults (Mammoth Books #456)
by Geoff TibballsNever be stuck for a wicked line again! - the ultimate collection of insultsHere is the biggest and best ever collection of insults and sharp retorts for when you just wish you could have thought of something faster. Editor Geoff Tibballs presents more than 5,000 come-backs, put-downs, snaps, insults, unadmiring quips and quotes, for every occasion. From the most elegant of studied insults to the wickedest of putdowns, from the language of the street to the literary, political, and entertainment worlds, from playground insults to sports, family and marriage jibes - here is every possible barb you could ever need, guaranteed to crack up all those around you. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race? Your mother's so fat, she has her own area code. Are your parents siblings? Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice. Is there no beginning to your talents? You'd be out of your depth in a puddle. Don't you need a licence to be that ugly? I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my arse. I'd love to go out with you but I have to worm my dog.
The Mammoth Book of Irish Humour
by Aubrey MaloneThis bumper collection of Irish humour covers topics such as Absenteeism and Zoos and everything in between. It would be disappointing should such a large collection not include the best of famous Irish wits such as Oscar Wilde and George Bernard Shaw, but the emphasis is very much on contemporary Irish humour from the likes of Tommy Tiernan, Dylan Moran, Ardal O'Hanlon and Dara O'Briain, to name just a few. Lunatic, iconoclastic and, as Spike Milligan might have put it, involving 'sideways thinking', this is Irish humour at its very best.
The Mammoth Book of Irish Humour (Mammoth Books #399)
by Aubrey MaloneThis bumper collection of Irish humour covers topics such as Absenteeism and Zoos and everything in between. It would be disappointing should such a large collection not include the best of famous Irish wits such as Oscar Wilde and George Bernard Shaw, but the emphasis is very much on contemporary Irish humour from the likes of Tommy Tiernan, Dylan Moran, Ardal O'Hanlon and Dara O'Briain, to name just a few. Lunatic, iconoclastic and, as Spike Milligan might have put it, involving 'sideways thinking', this is Irish humour at its very best.
The Mammoth Book of Jokes 2
by Geoff TibballsFrom the man behind the bestselling Mammoth Book of Jokes, an all-new, enormous collection of fantastic jokes - indexed and categorised to help find the right joke for the right occasion, from Bar-Mitzvahs to bar-rooms. Bigger, better, and even bulkier than before, The Mammoth Book of Jokes 2 is the consummate collection, with jokes on every subject under the sun, from lawyers to low-energy light bulbs.
The Mammoth Book of Jokes 2 (Mammoth Books #457)
by Geoff TibballsFrom the man behind the bestselling Mammoth Book of Jokes, an all-new, enormous collection of fantastic jokes - indexed and categorised to help find the right joke for the right occasion, from Bar-Mitzvahs to bar-rooms. Bigger, better, and even bulkier than before, The Mammoth Book of Jokes 2 is the consummate collection, with jokes on every subject under the sun, from lawyers to low-energy light bulbs.
The Mammoth Book of Losers (Mammoth Books)
by Karl ShawThis compendious celebration of ineptitude includes some of history?s most spectacularly ill-conceived expeditions and entirely useless pursuits, and features tales of black comedy, insane foolhardiness, breathtaking stupidity and relentless perseverance in the face of inevitable defeat. It rejoices in men and women made of the Wrong Stuff: writers who believed in the power of words, but could never quite find the rights ones; artists and performers who indulged their creative impulse with a passion, if not a sense of the ridiculous, an eye for perspective or the ability to hold down a tune; scientists and businessmen who never quite managed to quit while they were ahead; and sportsmen who seemed to manage always to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Like Walter Oudney, one of three men chosen to find the source of the River Niger in Africa, who could not ride a horse, nor speak any foreign languages and who had never travelled more than 30 miles beyond his native Edinburgh; or the explorer-priest Michel Alexandre de Baize, who set off to explore the African continent from east to west equipped with 24 umbrellas, some fireworks, two suits of armor, and a portable organ; or the Scottish army which decided to invade England in 1349 ? during the Black Death. Entries include: briefest career in dentistry; least successful bonding exercise; most futile attempt to find a lost tribe; most pointless lines of research by someone who should have known better; least successful celebrity endorsement; least convincing excuse for a war; worst poetic tribute to a root vegetable; least successful display of impartiality by a juror; Devon Loch ? sporting metaphor for blowing un unblowable lead; least dignified exit from office by a French president; and least successful expedition by camel.
The Mammoth Book of Losers (Mammoth Books #426)
by Karl ShawThis compendious celebration of ineptitude includes some of history’s most spectacularly ill-conceived expeditions and entirely useless pursuits, and features tales of black comedy, insane foolhardiness, breathtaking stupidity and relentless perseverance in the face of inevitable defeat. It rejoices in men and women made of the Wrong Stuff: writers who believed in the power of words, but could never quite find the rights ones; artists and performers who indulged their creative impulse with a passion, if not a sense of the ridiculous, an eye for perspective or the ability to hold down a tune; scientists and businessmen who never quite managed to quit while they were ahead; and sportsmen who seemed to manage always to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Like Walter Oudney, one of three men chosen to find the source of the River Niger in Africa, who could not ride a horse, nor speak any foreign languages and who had never travelled more than 30 miles beyond his native Edinburgh; or the explorer-priest Michel Alexandre de Baize, who set off to explore the African continent from east to west equipped with 24 umbrellas, some fireworks, two suits of armor, and a portable organ; or the Scottish army which decided to invade England in 1349 – during the Black Death. Entries include: briefest career in dentistry; least successful bonding exercise; most futile attempt to find a lost tribe; most pointless lines of research by someone who should have known better; least successful celebrity endorsement; least convincing excuse for a war; worst poetic tribute to a root vegetable; least successful display of impartiality by a juror; Devon Loch – sporting metaphor for blowing un unblowable lead; least dignified exit from office by a French president; and least successful expedition by camel.
The Mammoth Book of More Dirty, Sick, X-Rated and Politically Incorrect Jokes
by Geoff TibballsFunny, fearless and absolutely filthy-nearly 3,000 more uncensored, dirty, sick, and deeply politically incorrect jokes, covering just about every topic imaginable, from adultery to (sex in) Zoos, including an assortment of bad taste lists. A worthy, all-new follow-on to the first bestselling volume.
The Mammoth Book of More Dirty, Sick, X-Rated and Politically Incorrect Jokes (Mammoth Books #458)
by Geoff TibballsFunny, fearless and absolutely filthy-nearly 3,000 more uncensored, dirty, sick, and deeply politically incorrect jokes, covering just about every topic imaginable, from adultery to (sex in) Zoos, including an assortment of bad taste lists. A worthy, all-new follow-on to the first bestselling volume.
The Mammoth Book of New Comic Quotes: Over 3,500 modern gems of wit and wisdom from TV, films and stand-up
by Geoff TibballsWith over 3,500 entries, arranged by topic, fully indexed and up-to-date for the twenty-first century, here is a bumper new collection of witticisms and wisecracks. If you're looking for a quick quip to get the crowd on your side, struggling to put the finishing touches to a wedding speech or just want to cheer yourself and your mates up, this marvellous mammoth book provides all you'll ever need. Entries range from insults, put-downs, gags and one-liners to homespun philosophy, witty proverbs, movie quotes and graffiti. Among the contributors featured are Ricky Gervais, Sir Terry Pratchett, Tina Fey, Milton Jones, Russell Brand, Bill Bryson, Armando Iannucci, Stephen Fry, Jeremy Clarkson, Larry David, Grayson Perry, Germaine Greer, Will Ferrell and many more. Never be stuck for a good line again! 'Al Gore met with Donald Trump to discuss climate change. To try to explain it in terms Trump would understand, Gore said, "The planet is getting hotter than your daughter Ivanka."' Conan O'Brien'The only time it's cool to yell, "I have diarrhoea!" is when you're playing Scrabble.' Zach Galifianakis
The Mammoth Book of One-Liners: Over 10,000 Gems Of Wit And Wisdom, One-liners And Wisecracks (Mammoth Books)
by Geoff TibballsA collection of 10,000 side-splitting one-line jokes arranged in categories from bestselling humour editor Geoff Tibballs. 'Is my wife dissatisfied with my body? A small part of me says yes.''Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.''I read somewhere that 26 is too old to still live with your parents. It was on a note, in my room.'
The Mammoth Book of One-Liners (Mammoth Books #459)
by Geoff TibballsA collection of 10,000 side-splitting one-line jokes arranged in categories from bestselling humour editor Geoff Tibballs. 'Is my wife dissatisfied with my body? A small part of me says yes.''Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.''I read somewhere that 26 is too old to still live with your parents. It was on a note, in my room.'
The Mammoth Book of Really Silly Jokes: Humour for the whole family (The Mammoth Bks.)
by Geoff TibballsThe biggest and best collection of jokes for all the family to enjoy. 8,000 rib-ticklers, covering every subject under the sun from Aardvarks to Zombies, including chicken jokes, doctor-doctor jokes, elephant jokes, horror jokes, knock-knock jokes, excruciating puns, riddles, school jokes, sports jokes and waiter jokes. Most of the jokes are sharp one-liners but there is also a scattering of slightly longer stories.
The Mammoth Book of Really Silly Jokes: Humour for the whole family (Mammoth Books #460)
by Geoff TibballsThe biggest and best collection of jokes for all the family to enjoy. 8,000 rib-ticklers, covering every subject under the sun from Aardvarks to Zombies, including chicken jokes, doctor-doctor jokes, elephant jokes, horror jokes, knock-knock jokes, excruciating puns, riddles, school jokes, sports jokes and waiter jokes. Most of the jokes are sharp one-liners but there is also a scattering of slightly longer stories.
The Mammoth Book of Sex Scandals
by Nigel CawthorneSex scandals, some historical but many contemporary, involving political figures, celebrities, movie stars, sports stars, musicians and artists, from Julius Caesar's affair with Cleopatra, which scandalized Rome and may have contributed to his murder, to what exactly IMF head Dominique Strauss-Kahn did or didn't get up to in that New York hotel room. England's Edward II was put to death by having a red-hot poker shoved up 'those parts in which he had been wont to make his vicious pleasures' and James Dean was known as 'the human ashtray' for the pleasure he took in having cigarettes stubbed out on his body, but from Silvio Berlusconi to Tiger Woods, many have been more focused on pleasure than pain. Even Barack Obama gets a look in - did he have an affair with Vera Baker?
The Mammoth Book of Sex Scandals (Mammoth Books #219)
by Nigel CawthorneSex scandals, some historical but many contemporary, involving political figures, celebrities, movie stars, sports stars, musicians and artists, from Julius Caesar's affair with Cleopatra, which scandalized Rome and may have contributed to his murder, to what exactly IMF head Dominique Strauss-Kahn did or didn't get up to in that New York hotel room. England's Edward II was put to death by having a red-hot poker shoved up 'those parts in which he had been wont to make his vicious pleasures' and James Dean was known as 'the human ashtray' for the pleasure he took in having cigarettes stubbed out on his body, but from Silvio Berlusconi to Tiger Woods, many have been more focused on pleasure than pain. Even Barack Obama gets a look in - did he have an affair with Vera Baker?
The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (Mammoth Books #453)
by E. Henry ThripshawThe ultimate collection of tasteless and sick jokes that just shouldn't be told.More than 3,000 off-colour jokes, covering every taboo from sex and death to race and disability, this book leaves no stone unturned in its search for the most dubious jokes known to humanity. Why exactly do we like to laugh at jokes that are cruel, heartless and downright wrong? And more to the point, who cares so long as they make us laugh? Twice as funny, twice as outrageous, twice as shocking.From Anne Frank's drum kit to the correct use of wheelchairs, this is a fantastic new collection of bad taste and political incorrectness. If you even think about reading it you're a monster; if you buy it you're going straight to hell. Includes gems such as these:My father is in a coma. He's just living the dream.Why don't cannibals eat divorced women? Because they're very bitter.What do you do if a pit bull mounts your leg? Fake an orgasm.How do you stop a politician from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the water.The Beatles have reformed and have brought out a new album. It's mostly drum and bass.I went to see my friend's new baby. They asked me if I wanted to wind him. I thought that was a bit harsh so I just gave him a dead leg instead.Remember, a doggy is not just for Christmas. It's a great position all year round.
The Mammoth Book of Weird News (The Mammoth Bks.)
by Geoff TibballsA humorous collection of hundreds of funny news stories, whacky phenomena, and hilarious blunders and gaffes from around the world, such as: the woman who smuggled 75 live snakes in her bra; the man who held a funeral for his amputated foot; the radioactive cat which got mistaken for a bomb; the human tongue that got served up in a hospital; the X-ray that revealed E.T.'s face in a duck; the youth who woke to find a bullet in his tongue; the tortoise that set a house on fire; and many more.
The Mammoth Book of Weird News (Mammoth Books #461)
by Geoff TibballsA humorous collection of hundreds of funny news stories, whacky phenomena, and hilarious blunders and gaffes from around the world, such as: the woman who smuggled 75 live snakes in her bra; the man who held a funeral for his amputated foot; the radioactive cat which got mistaken for a bomb; the human tongue that got served up in a hospital; the X-ray that revealed E.T.'s face in a duck; the youth who woke to find a bullet in his tongue; the tortoise that set a house on fire; and many more.
The Mammoth Book Of Weird Records (Mammoth Books #452)
by Jim TheobaldEveryone’s heard of Usain Bolt, but how many people know about Dineka Maguire? Like Bolt, the Irish woman is a world record holder but in the rather lesser known sport of bog snorkelling. She is just one of the hundreds of unsung heroes featured in this book chronicling the people who go to bizarre lengths to break world records in the weirdest categories; people who devote hours of intense training to spitting dung, eating cockroaches, sniffing feet or tossing tuna in the hope of one day being recognised as the best in the world. This astonishing compendium of the weirdest, wackiest and most disgusting world records will amuse and astound in equal measure.Entries include:Longest ear hairFastest marathon while wearing a deep-sea diving suitFastest bog snorkellerFarthest distance skateboarding by a goatMost bees on bodyMost milk crates balanced on head Fastest 5-km run while dressed as a penguin and jugglingHeaviest airplane pulled with teethFastest shopping trolleyLongest backwards motorcycle rideMost stairs climbed by bicycleFastest 30 metres on a scooter by a dogFirst water-skiing squirrel
Mammoth Mayhem: Book 18 (Frankie's Magic Football #18)
by Frank LampardFrankie and his team love playing football. There's always time for a game. And now that they have their magical football they're playing against teams they never imagined!When Frankie and his frineds go camping with their dads for Father's Day, the magic football transports them to the Stone Age. The team meet a boy whose dad has gone missing - and there's a woolly mammoth on the loose! Can Frankie and his team reunite father and son, and save their holiday from mammoth mayhem?