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5,000 Sidesplitting Jokes and One-Liners
by Grant Tucker"I'll never forget the words my granddad said before he kicked the bucket. He said 'Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.'""The key to any marriage is spontaneity. You've got to be ready to leave at any time."Bringing together some of the funniest, wittiest, and most cutting jokes the world over, Grant Tucker's volume is the definitive collection of the quips comedians call "one-liners." Short, sweet, and undeniably clever, one-liners hold a special place in the history of comedy, and the rise of Twitter and social media seems to have ushered in a new era of this comedic art form. With most people expressing themselves in 140 characters or less, there seems no better time to celebrate Grant's collection and the immortal one-liner.Side-splittingly funny, 5,000 Sidesplitting Jokes and One-Liners has all the puns, zingers, and witty remarks you could ever ask for--and many you'd never dream of asking for. "My granddad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.""A dyslexic man walks into a bra.""Corduroy pillows: they're making headlines!""Promises are a bit like babies: fun to make but hard to deliver.""Schizophrenia--together I can beat it.""Drugs are never the answer. Unless the clue is: 'Narcotics, five letters.'"
5-Minute Parenting Fixes: Quick Tips and Advice for the Everyday Challenges of Raising Children
by Liat Hughes JoshiWe all have busy lives but want to be the best parent to our child, without compromise.Many of us turn to the internet when we want a snap answer to a parenting dilemma, but how do we determine what is reliable information? This book is the antidote to those overwhelming search engine results. It’s a one-stop source for time-poor parents who need reliable, tried and tested advice on all the parenting conundrums from classic to topical, such as:What’s the best way to encourage good behavior?How can I ensure my child has a healthy body image.How can I ensure they do their homework with minimal fuss?How can I get my children to play nicely together instead of fight?With no-nonsense solutions, each designed to be read in less than 5 minutes, this book will help to boost your confidence when making important parenting decisions.
5 More Sleeps ‘til Christmas
by Jimmy FallonHost of NBC's The Tonight Show and three-time #1 New York Times-bestselling author Jimmy Fallon returns with this sweet and spirited Christmas picture book. Just 5 more sleeps 'til Christmas! Can you believe it's here? I know that Santa's coming soon 'cause I've been good all year. Everyone who grew up celebrating Christmas remembers the excitement that built up to the most magical day of the year. But why not make the last week until Christmas more fun by counting how many sleeps until the arrival of Santa and his reindeer? Accompanied by the beautiful and energetic artwork of Rich Deas, enjoy the humor of Jimmy Fallon as he prepares readers for the most exciting week of the year in this new holiday tradition for your family—5 More Sleeps 'til Christmas.
5 More Sleeps ‘til Halloween
by Jimmy FallonHost of NBC's The Tonight Show and #1 New York Times-bestselling author Jimmy Fallon returns with this exciting countdown to Halloween picture book.It’s 5 more sleeps ‘til Halloween!That spooky time of year.Where all of the ghosts are wide awakeAs nighttime’s drawing near.The excitement leading up to spooky season has been enjoyed by so many for so long. Filled with costumes, candy, and big scares! But why not make the last few days before Halloween even more exciting by counting how many sleeps until trick-or-treat night?Paired with the eerie artwork of Rich Deas, fans will enjoy the humor of Jimmy Fallon as he prepares readers for the most spinetingling week of the year—5 More Sleeps ‘til Halloween.
5 Scarier Stories for a Dark Knight (DC Batman)
by Matthew CodyBatman™ is back with five more ghostly adventures filled with thrills and chills in this all-new illustrated collection of spooky tales from the dark corners of Gotham City!Gotham City, the home of Batman, is filled with long shadows, sinister characters, and mysterious goings on. This hardcover illustrated chapter book is a collection of scary short stories featuring some of Batman's strangest adventures that end with wild twist and turns—some funny, some spooky, and some maddeningly frightening! In this all new set of tales you'll find out about a talkative cursed doll, characters from a children's book haunting Jervis Tetch, the ghosts haunting Wayne Manor and more . . . if you dare look between its pages! Boys and girls ages 6 to 9 will love this illustrated chapter book of these strange stories featuring Batman.
5 Scary Stories for a Dark Knight #1 (DC Batman)
by Cavan ScottAn illustrated collection of spooky tales from the dark corners of Gotham City featuring Batman™ on his and weirdest adventures ever!Gotham City, the home of Batman, is filled with dark corners, sinister characters, and mysterious goings on. This illustrated chapter book is a collection of scary short stories featuring some of Batman's strange adventures that end with wild twist and turns—some funny, some spooky, and some deathly frightening! So curl up under the sheets and find out all about the ancient curses, ghostly racer car drivers, and sinister witches haunting Gotham City along with the World's Greatest Detective . . . and don't forget your flashlight! Boys and girls ages 6 to 9 will love this illustrated chapter book of strange tales featuring Batman.
The 50 Funniest American Writers
by Andy BorowitzEver wondered who makes a very funny person laugh? Wonder no more. Brought together in this Library of America collection are America's fifty funniest writers--according to acclaimed writer and comedian Andy Borowitz. Reaching back to Mark Twain and forward to contemporary masters such as David Sedaris, Nora Ephron, Roy Blount Jr., Ian Frazier, Bernie Mac, Wanda Sykes, and George Saunders, The 50 Funniest American Writers* is an exclusive Who's Who of the very best American comic writing. Here are Thurber and Perelman, Lenny Bruce and Bruce Jay Friedman, Garrison Keillor, Dave Barry, and Veronica Geng, plus hilarious lesser-known pieces from The New Yorker, Esquire, The Atlantic, National Lampoon, and The Onion. Who does "one of the funniest people in America" (CBS Sunday Morning) read when he needs a laugh?
50 People Who Buggered Up Britain
by Quentin LettsWhich fifty people made Britain the wreck she is? From ludicrous propagandist Alastair Campbell to the Luftwaffe's allies, the modernist architects, it's time to name the guilty.Quentin Letts sharpens his nib and stabs them where they deserve it, from TV gardener Alan Titchmarsh, the dumbed-down buffoon who put the 'h' in Aspidistra, to the perpetrators of the 'Credit Crunch'. Margaret Thatcher ruptured our national unity. The creators of EastEnders trashed our brand over high tea. Thus, he argues, are the people who made our country the ugly, scheming, cheating, beer-ridden bum of the Western world. Here are the fools and knaves and vulgarians who ripped down our British glories and imposed the tawdry and the trite. In a half century we have gone from end-of-Empire to descent-into-Hell.
50 People Who Buggered Up Britain
by Quentin LettsFrom the Sunday Times bestselling authorWhich fifty people made Britain the wreck she is? From ludicrous propagandist Alastair Campbell to the Luftwaffe's allies, the modernist architects, it's time to name the guilty.Quentin Letts sharpens his nib and stabs them where they deserve it, from TV gardener Alan Titchmarsh, the dumbed-down buffoon who put the 'h' in Aspidistra, to the perpetrators of the 'Credit Crunch'. Margaret Thatcher ruptured our national unity. The creators of EastEnders trashed our brand over high tea. Thus, he argues, are the people who made our country the ugly, scheming, cheating, beer-ridden bum of the Western world. Here are the fools and knaves and vulgarians who ripped down our British glories and imposed the tawdry and the trite. In a half century we have gone from end-of-Empire to descent-into-Hell.
50 People Who Fouled Up Football
by Michael HendersonDespite its immense wealth, and the high public profile it enjoys, English football is not a land of milk and honey. The national side has won the World Cup only once when England staged the tournament in 1966 and the woeful performances in recent years would suggest that Sir Alf Ramsey's success will retain its unique status.50 People Who Fouled Up Football casts a sceptical eye on the game in this country. It looks at the game as it really is, through the gaze of an outsider, who grew up loving the game but who has been turned off by the excesses of players, managers, broadcasters and fans, and increasingly by the rich men who own and run the clubs.The big bang came in 1992, when the Premier League went its own merry way, aided by the millions that Sky television found to ease the passage. Now the game is richer, and can attract the world's leading stars, but it is poorer in spirit. The old football community means little to these Masters of the Universe. The old links between club and community have been ruined, and many players live in a different world, where they feel free to behave as they like.The book names the guilty, who include those on the fringes of the game as well as the ones at the heart of it. Indignant in the right sense, it is a lament for a spoilt game, and a world that has vanished.The 50 People are, in alphabetical order:Roman Abramovich, Sam Allardyce, Mike Ashley, David Baddiel, Tony Banks, Joey Barton, Ken Bates, Victoria Beckham, George Best, Sid and Doris Bonkers, Billy Bragg, Ashley Cole, Garry Cook, Hunter Davies, Didier Drogba, Martin Edwards, Sven-Goran Eriksson, 'The Fans', Paul Gascoigne, 'Geordie Blubber', 'The Golden Generation', Alan Green, Alan Hansen, Derek Hatton, Nigel Kennedy, Richard Keys, Lord Kinnaird, Nick Love, Steve McClaren, Freddie Mercury, Piers Morgan, Jose Mourinho, Graham Poll, Sir Alf Ramsey, Antonio Rattin, Charles Reep, Don Revie, Peter Ridsdale, Robinho, Cristiano Ronaldo, Wayne Rooney, Richard Scudamore, Bill Shankly, Bob Shennan, Peter Swales, Gordon Taylor, Sir Harold Thompson, Terry Venables, Ian Wright, Pini Zahavi.
50 People Who Fouled Up Football
by Michael HendersonDespite its immense wealth, and the high public profile it enjoys, English football is not a land of milk and honey. The national side has won the World Cup only once when England staged the tournament in 1966 and the woeful performances in recent years would suggest that Sir Alf Ramsey's success will retain its unique status.50 People Who Fouled Up Football casts a sceptical eye on the game in this country. It looks at the game as it really is, through the gaze of an outsider, who grew up loving the game but who has been turned off by the excesses of players, managers, broadcasters and fans, and increasingly by the rich men who own and run the clubs.The big bang came in 1992, when the Premier League went its own merry way, aided by the millions that Sky television found to ease the passage. Now the game is richer, and can attract the world's leading stars, but it is poorer in spirit. The old football community means little to these Masters of the Universe. The old links between club and community have been ruined, and many players live in a different world, where they feel free to behave as they like.The book names the guilty, who include those on the fringes of the game as well as the ones at the heart of it. Indignant in the right sense, it is a lament for a spoilt game, and a world that has vanished.The 50 People are, in alphabetical order:Roman Abramovich, Sam Allardyce, Mike Ashley, David Baddiel, Tony Banks, Joey Barton, Ken Bates, Victoria Beckham, George Best, Sid and Doris Bonkers, Billy Bragg, Ashley Cole, Garry Cook, Hunter Davies, Didier Drogba, Martin Edwards, Sven-Goran Eriksson, 'The Fans', Paul Gascoigne, 'Geordie Blubber', 'The Golden Generation', Alan Green, Alan Hansen, Derek Hatton, Nigel Kennedy, Richard Keys, Lord Kinnaird, Nick Love, Steve McClaren, Freddie Mercury, Piers Morgan, Jose Mourinho, Graham Poll, Sir Alf Ramsey, Antonio Rattin, Charles Reep, Don Revie, Peter Ridsdale, Robinho, Cristiano Ronaldo, Wayne Rooney, Richard Scudamore, Bill Shankly, Bob Shennan, Peter Swales, Gordon Taylor, Sir Harold Thompson, Terry Venables, Ian Wright, Pini Zahavi.
50 People Who Messed up the World
by Alexander Parker Tim RichmanWho would top your list of the fifty people who have done the most to make the modern world a worse place?'I can't imagine how they whittled it down to just 50 people' - comedianNik Rabinowitz 'A fantastic thought-provoking book that renews my appreciation for history. It reminds us how we got here and how we can avoid things getting worse'Mandla Shongwe, SAFM Lifestyle'A fascinating, terrific read' Gareth Cliff, CliffCentral From despotic mass-murderers to sports cheats, and from corrupt politicians to truly dreadful celebrities, who has had the most damaging -- or vexatious -- impact in their particular sphere of modern life?This line-up of the very worst of the twentieth century and beyond includes the obvious candidates: those who have caused extraordinary damage through their murderous paranoia, brutal avarice, or demented self-regard -- Stalin, King Leopold, Idi Amin and the like. But murderous dictators aside, there are plenty of others who deserve recognition for their role in making the world a significantly more dangerous or, at the very least, more annoying place: terrorist Carlos the Jackal; Robert Oppenheimer, the man who gave the world the atomic bomb; notorious sports cheat Lance Armstrong; and the one and only President Donald Trump, who has of course succeeded in making the world both more annoying and more dangerous. This perfectly focused spotlight on infamy is illustrated throughout by award-winning political cartoonist Zapiro.
50 People Who Screwed Up Scotland
by Allan BrownTo be Scottish is to have a lot to live down, and as Allan Brown shows, this lot do the job superbly. Whether it be Robert Burns, indecipherable bard of rustic gibberish or Sean Connery, die-hard advocate of a country he refuses to live in.Or, Alex Salmond, the chortling bullfrog of separatism or Tommy Sheridan, the sexy socialist hardliner. They’re all here, and many others; a veritable embassy of bad ambassadors.50 People Who Screwed Up Scotland is a humorous and chronologically-sequential series of essays, histories and anecdotes that consider those episodes and occurrences in Scotland's political, cultural and social story where, against all odds, defeat was plucked from the jaws of victory.
50 Reasons to Hate Golf and Why You Should Never Stop Playing
by Fred Fruisen Chris RodellEvery golfer has a love/hate relationship with the game. What we love about golf one day, we curse at the next. We've all been frustrated to the point of breaking our clubs or vowing to sell them, announcing our departure from this infuriating sport only to show up at the course the next day, excited to play again. Golf is a game that teases, thrills, torments, and teaches. <p><p> 50 Reasons to Hate Golf and Why You Should Never Stop Playing is a hilarious look at this addictive, wonderful, strange, beautiful, exasperating, mystifying sport and the culture surrounding it that people have been obsessed with for more than 500 years. With an introduction by Chris Rodell, author, columnist, and golf fanatic. Featured in the Golf Channel.
50 Simple Things You Can Do to Pave the Earth
by Darryl Henriques50 things you can do to eliminate your carbon footprint.
50 Things Liberals Love to Hate
by Mike GallagherAmerica, how does the liberal hate thee? Let us count the ways . . . It's hard work being a liberal these days. Not only do a mere 20 percent of Americans identify themselves as liberal, but one could go broke supporting a skinny double-decaf Starbucks habit. On top of that, when you hate things most Americans love, it's tiring to have to endlessly correct/educate/fix/enlighten the poor dullards out there who just want to enjoy their lives. Which, taken as a whole, makes the average liberal lonely, short on cash, and mad as hell! So, in the spirit of the compassion they themselves espouse, 50 Things Liberals Love to Hate is truth spoken with love, an invitation to the disenfranchised: it's not too late, liberals, to join the fun! C'mon, crack open a Bud and throw another T-bone on the grill. But kindly check your disdain at the door when it comes to: WALMART: How about a handmade, locally sourced flat-screen television instead? STEAKHOUSES: There's no steamed tofu on this menu. McDONALD'S: The stranger in the playground handing out candy to children. FLAG PINS: It's okay to love America, but not enough to wear it on your lapel. FOOTBALL: War with cleats and pads. THE V-8 ENGINE: There's just something plain wrong about all that power and freedom under the control of one person. SUCCESS: When you make more money than the rest of us, it hurts our feelings. THE FOUNDING FATHERS: A bunch of old white guys who are making it nearly impossible for modern government to pick our doctors, teach our children, correct our diets, and save our money. . . . and 42 other things that have liberals packing some serious hate. Mike Gallagher--America's sixth-ranked radio talk show host and Fox News contributor--skewers liberal lunacy with cutting irony and scathing wit. Here are 50 warning signs of a liberal mind implosion, all darn good reasons to lock the doors, crank up the A/C, turn on the game, and let the countdown begin. . . .
50 Things Liberals Love to Hate
by Mike GallagherAmerica, how does the liberal hate thee? Let us count the ways . . . It's hard work being a liberal these days. Not only do a mere 20 percent of Americans identify themselves as liberal, but one could go broke supporting a skinny double-decaf Starbucks habit. On top of that, when you hate things most Americans love, it's tiring to have to endlessly correct/educate/fix/enlighten the poor dullards out there who just want to enjoy their lives. Which, taken as a whole, makes the average liberal lonely, short on cash, and mad as hell! So, in the spirit of the compassion they themselves espouse, 50 Things Liberals Love to Hate is truth spoken with love, an invitation to the disenfranchised: it's not too late, liberals, to join the fun! C'mon, crack open a Bud and throw another T-bone on the grill. But kindly check your disdain at the door when it comes to: WALMART: How about a handmade, locally sourced flat-screen television instead? STEAKHOUSES: There's no steamed tofu on this menu. McDONALD'S: The stranger in the playground handing out candy to children. FLAG PINS: It's okay to love America, but not enough to wear it on your lapel. FOOTBALL: War with cleats and pads. THE V-8 ENGINE: There's just something plain wrong about all that power and freedom under the control of one person. SUCCESS: When you make more money than the rest of us, it hurts our feelings. THE FOUNDING FATHERS: A bunch of old white guys who are making it nearly impossible for modern government to pick our doctors, teach our children, correct our diets, and save our money. . . . and 42 other things that have liberals packing some serious hate. Mike Gallagher--America's sixth-ranked radio talk show host and Fox News contributor--skewers liberal lunacy with cutting irony and scathing wit. Here are 50 warning signs of a liberal mind implosion, all darn good reasons to lock the doors, crank up the A/C, turn on the game, and let the countdown begin. . . .
50 Things Liberals Love to Hate
by Mike GallagherAmerica, how does the liberal hate thee? Let us count the ways . . . It's hard work being a liberal these days. Not only do a mere 20 percent of Americans identify themselves as liberal, but one could go broke supporting a skinny double-decaf Starbucks habit. On top of that, when you hate things most Americans love, it's tiring to have to endlessly correct/educate/fix/enlighten the poor dullards out there who just want to enjoy their lives. Which, taken as a whole, makes the average liberal lonely, short on cash, and mad as hell! So, in the spirit of the compassion they themselves espouse, 50 Things Liberals Love to Hate is truth spoken with love, an invitation to the disenfranchised: it's not too late, liberals, to join the fun! C'mon, crack open a Bud and throw another T-bone on the grill. But kindly check your disdain at the door when it comes to: WALMART: How about a handmade, locally sourced flat-screen television instead? STEAKHOUSES: There's no steamed tofu on this menu. McDONALD'S: The stranger in the playground handing out candy to children. FLAG PINS: It's okay to love America, but not enough to wear it on your lapel. FOOTBALL: War with cleats and pads. THE V-8 ENGINE: There's just something plain wrong about all that power and freedom under the control of one person. SUCCESS: When you make more money than the rest of us, it hurts our feelings. THE FOUNDING FATHERS: A bunch of old white guys who are making it nearly impossible for modern government to pick our doctors, teach our children, correct our diets, and save our money. . . . and 42 other things that have liberals packing some serious hate. Mike Gallagher--America's sixth-ranked radio talk show host and Fox News contributor--skewers liberal lunacy with cutting irony and scathing wit. Here are 50 warning signs of a liberal mind implosion, all darn good reasons to lock the doors, crank up the A/C, turn on the game, and let the countdown begin. . . .
50 Things Not to Do after 50: From Naming Your Pets after Tolkien Characters to Signaling "Peace Out" to Your Friends
by Leland GregoryIf you or someone you know has just turned fifty, it’s time to accept that the rules of life have changed, and that fifty is not the new thirty for most of us. Leland Gregory understands the forgetful minds, sagging bodies, and flagging pride of his fellow middle-agers, and in 50 Things Not to Do after 50, he offers helpful advice aimed at combating the humiliations this stage of life can bring. <p><p> 50 Things Not to Do after 50 is a lighthearted and sometimes painfully on-target book about how what we used to do in our twenties, thirties, and forties should be avoided at all costs now that we’re in our fifties.
50 Things to Do with a Book
by Bruce MccallReading may be dead, but books are alive and well What good are books, you may be wondering, if we're not going to read them? What are we even doing in this bookstore? Not to worry! It turns out that there are literally thousands of things to do with these chunky stacks of bound tree pulp. Fun, exciting, adventurous, creative things. In fact, this familiar rectangular object suddenly offers enough dazzling new interactive possibilities to, yes, fill a book. This book. From re-creating world wonders to settling marital disputes, entertaining dinner guests to channeling your inner secret agent, here are fifty wonderfully zany things to do with all your favorite books.
50 Ways to Lose Your Glasses
by Warby ParkerFrom Warby Parker, the eyewear company that has become "shorthand for simple and stylish" (Fast Company), an eye-catching illustrated gift book that shares the many witty, harrowing and absurd ways to lose a pair of glasses. Finding a pair of glasses you love is the easy part. Holding onto them--well, that's another story. The evocative, whimsical illustrations in 50 Ways to Lose Your Glasses showcase a blinding variety of eyewear failures, ranging from foolish (yoga, karaoke, mosh pit) to knee-trembling (drone collision, cat burglar, sneezing fit) to surreal (alien encounter, swamp monster, elves). Everyone has a dad, grandma, bestie, or boyfriend who can't seem to hold onto their glasses. Conceived by Warby Parker and with drawings by Brooklyn-based illustrator John Lee, 50 Ways to Lose Your Glasses makes the perfect gift for your bespectacled, humor-loving friend or family member.
50% Wool, 50% Asinine: An Argyle Sweater Collection (Argyle Sweater Ser. #2)
by Scott HilburnSince launching as an online feature in 2006, The Argyle Sweater has cemented its reputation as the comic strip for fans of absurd, clever humor. Now, cartoonist Scott Hilburn has collected the best of his 2009 strips in 50% Wool, 50% Asinine.Coming from The Argyle Sweater's customary skewed perspective, the comic strips collected in 50% Wool, 50% Asinine will delight readers with the puns (both verbal and visual) and cerebral wit that are the hallmarks of this hilarious strip.A true fan favorite, The Argyle Sweater has gathered a loyal and enthusiastic following with origins that even predate its hugely successful launch with Universal Press Syndicate. Funny, irreverent, smart, and entertaining, 50% Wool, 50% Asinine is perfect for devoted fans of the strip and a great introduction for those lucky enough to get to experience for the first time this intelligent comic strip infused with childlike imagination.
50 Years of MAC: A Half Century of British Life
by Dr Mark BryantPolitical cartoonist MAC started at the Daily Sketch in 1969. At the end of 2018, he will have been capturing British life for 50 years. To mark these five decades working as an editorial cartoonist in Fleet Street, the very best of MAC's cartoons from the 1960s to the present day have been assembled to tell the history of Britain and its place in the world. From miniskirts and Flower Power to the Falklands War and the rise of Margaret Thatcher, and from the Royal Family and the adventures of Harry Potter to Andy Murray and the Spice Girls, this book provides a unique and humorous perspective on the past fifty years.
50 Years of MAC: A Half Century of British Life
by Mark Bryant Stanley McMurtryPolitical cartoonist MAC started at the Daily Sketch in 1969. At the end of 2018, he will have been capturing British life for 50 years. To mark these five decades working as an editorial cartoonist in Fleet Street, the very best of MAC's cartoons from the 1960s to the present day have been assembled to tell the history of Britain and its place in the world. From miniskirts and Flower Power to the Falklands War and the rise of Margaret Thatcher, and from the Royal Family and the adventures of Harry Potter to Andy Murray and the Spice Girls, this book provides a unique and humorous perspective on the past fifty years.
500 Clean Jokes and Humorous Stories, and How to Tell Them
by Rusty Wright Linda Raney WrightDiscover how to use humor to improve all of your relationships and become a more dynamic communicator, whether one-on-one or in larger groups.