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Officer Spence Makes No Sense! (My Weird School Daze #5)
by Dan GutmanThe weirdness never stops! <p><p> The security guard at Ella Mentry School has gone off the deep end! Somebody is stealing peanut butter and jelly sandwiches from the vomitorium, and Officer Spence is on the case. He's arresting everybody in sight! Somebody is going to go to jail! Who is it? You'll have to read the book to find out.
Officers and Gentlemen
by Evelyn WaughFueled by idealism and eagerness to contribute to the war effort, Guy Crouchback becomes attached to a commando unit undergoing training on the Hebridean isle of Mugg, where the whisky flows freely and respect must be paid to the laird. But the comedy of Mugg is soon followed by the bitterness of Crete, where chaos reigns and a difficult evacuation must be accomplished. Officers and Gentlemen is the second novel in Waugh's brilliant Sword of Honor trilogy recording the tumultuous wartime adventures of Guy Crouchback ("the finest work of fiction in English to emerge from World War II" -Atlantic Monthly), which also comprises Men at Arms and Unconditional Surrender.
Officespeak
by David MartinDo you feel like putting a bullet through your head every time your boss tells you to "quarterback this one for me, champ"? Do you find yourself resisting the urge to put a chokehold on colleagues who use the phrases "on the same page" or "no-brainer" or "going forward" in a sentence? Are you often tempted to tamper with the messages on the motivational signs HR posts around the office? Or to plant subliminal messages in the legal disclaimer that's attached to every e-mail you send? Well, then Officespeak is the book for you! This hilarious, tongue-in-cheek guide to deciphering and manipulating the language of the workplace includes such helpful hints as: The best (and worst) answers to the question, "What's your biggest weakness?" Sprucing up your job title and personalizing your business cards Being "swamped" and other key phrases for diverting responsibility Making up verbs to convey power, decisiveness, and initiative in the boardroom Mastering the fine art of interrupting with such foolproof expressions as "good point" and "borrriiinnnggg" AND MANY MORE! Just remember, there's no "I" in team... but there sure as hell is one in "You're hired!"
Official Book Club Selection
by Kathy GriffinOfficial Book Club Selection is Kathy Griffin unplugged, uncensored, and unafraid to dish about what really happens on the road, away from the cameras, and at the star party after the show. (It's also her big chance to score that coveted book club endorsement she's always wanted. Are you there, Oprah? It's me, Kathy.)Kathy Griffin has won Emmys for her reality show Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List, been nominated for a Grammy, worked and walked every red carpet known to man, and rung in the New Year with Anderson Cooper. But the legions of fans who pack Kathy's sold-out comedy shows have heard only part of her remarkable story. Writing with her trademark wit, the feisty comic settles a few old scores, celebrates the friends and mentors who helped her claw her way to the top, and shares insider gossip about celebrity behavior-the good, the bad, and the very ugly. She recounts the crazy ups and downs of her own career and introduces us to some of the supertalented people she encountered before they got famous (or, in some cases, after fame went to their heads). Word to the wise: If you've ever crossed Kathy Griffin at some point in your life, check the index for your name.Along the way, Kathy reveals intimate details about her life before and after she made the big time. She opens up about everything from growing up with a dysfunctional family in suburban Illinois to bombing as a young comedian in L.A., from her well-publicized plastic surgery disasters to her highly publicized divorce, and more. Only in this book will you learn how the dinner table is the best training ground for a career in stand-up, how speaking your mind can bite you on the ass and buy you a house, and which people in Kathy's life have taught her the most valuable lessons-both inside and outside the entertainment industry. And as if all that wasn't enough, there are also dozens of exclusive and somewhat embarrassing photos from Kathy's own collection-featuring the diva of the D List herself, with her old nose as well as her new one, plus celebrity friends, foes, frenemies, and hangers-on for you to gawk at.Refreshingly candid, unflinchingly honest, and full of hilarious "Did she really say that?" moments, Official Book Club Selection will make you laugh until you cry, or just puke up a little bit.uld cherish. Also, it would be great to see an actress have a workload meltdown. So maybe at 2:00 some A-lister saying, "I can't handle this s**t anymore." Because I love when actors can't deal with a normal workday, and they think two in the afternoon is like midnight, so I would love to see somebody storming to their car, exhausted because they've put in a grueling four-hour workday of saying three lines and texting their nanny. Then it's maybe off to an illicit affair. At the top of my wish list would be following a rapper or a football player over to his baby mama's house where a screaming match ensues to the point where someone, maybe me, has to anonymously dial 911, and then I take a couple pictures, and I become an unannounced star witness later at the trial, entering Joan Collins-style in a smashing hat. And then at the end of the day it's a healthy round of clubbing with Janice Dickinson, and then on the way home we go to the Beverly Glen pharmacy and run into Paula Abdul. All three of us secretly take our small white-paper pharmacy bags and put them behind our backs and make uncomfortable small talk.Official Book Club Selection is Kathy Griffin unplugged, uncensored, and unafraid to dish about what really happens on the road, away from the cameras, and at the star party after the show. (It's also her big chance to score that coveted book club endorsement she's always wanted. Are you there, Oprah? It's me, Kathy.)Kathy Griffin has won Emmys for her reality show Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List, been nominated for a Grammy, worked and walked every red carpet known to man, and rung in the New Year with Anderson Cooper. But the legions of fans who pack Kathy's sold-out comedy shows have heard only part of her remarkable story. Writing with her...
The Official Dictionary of Idiocy: A Lexicon For Those of Us Who Are Far Less Idiotic Than the Rest of You (Official Dictionary #4)
by James NapoliGet your snark on, with this hilarious compendium from the author of The Official Dictionary of Sarcasm. It&’s the perfect book for today&’s world. The battle for sanity and intelligence rages on! Read any news story today and it&’s clear that idiots are everywhere. For that reason, James Napoli, the esteemed director of the National Sarcasm Society, has created a smart-aleck new dictionary that defines pop-culture touchstones and throws shade on the hopelessly foolish. With copiously illustrated and snarky entries on everything from &“Alternative Facts&” and &“Congress&” to &“Cable News&” and &“Uber&” (A convenient way to entrust your transportation to a potential serial killer . . . &“), The Official Dictionary of Idiocy brings some much-needed laughter to these crazy days.
The Official Dictionary of Sarcasm: A Lexicon for Those of Us Who Are Better and Smarter Than the Rest of You (Official Dictionary #1)
by James NapoliWhy tolerate ignorance? James Napoli, the executive vice president of the National Sarcasm Society, has provided an A-Z guide to turn to whenever you need to set someone straight. From advertisements to e-mail, from materialism to remote controls, theres a witty answer for every situation. “You have been waiting patiently for a dictionary like this to come along. And now it is here,” recognizes Napoli. “Not that you give a crap.”
The Official Emily in Paris Cocktail Book: Glamorous Mixed Drinks for Any Time of Day
by Weldon OwenSip your way through Paris with 50+ recipes for drinks, from classic cocktails to contemporary non-alcoholic refreshers. Enjoy a taste of Emily&’s glamorous life with favorites such as the Sancerre Breakfast Wine Cocktail and the Champagne Spray. Stir up classic French staples such as the French 75 and the Boulevardier, or imbibe with new nonalcoholic twists on old favorites. Featuring lavish photos from the show, fan-favorite quotes; and tips for throwing cocktail fêtes, viewing parties, and drinking games, fans of Emily in Paris, Francophiles, and home bartenders alike can celebrate the hit series and French culture with this must-have cocktail book. 50+ RECIPES INSPIRED BY EMILY IN PARIS: With a broad selection of French classics, elegant wine cocktails, fan-inspired drinks, and more, The Official Emily in Paris Cocktail Book celebrates classic and contemporary libations inspired by the Netflix series RECIPES FOR EVERY OCCASION: Whether you&’re shaking up nonalcoholic sippers perfect for the beaches of Southern France, stirring together a batch of punch for a watch party, or pouring pitchers of brunch margs for the gals, The Official Emily in Paris Cocktail Book is a priceless guide to entertaining and imbibing for every occasion NOT JUST COCKTAILS: Includes tasty mocktail recipes as well. THE FIRST OFFICIAL EMILY IN PARIS COCKTAIL GUIDE: The only cocktail volume with recipes officially from the set of Emily in Paris. The perfect gift for the Emily in Paris fan in your life INSPIRING IMAGES: Filled with beautiful full-color photography of the drinks to help ensure success.
The Official Guide to Christmas in the South
by David C. BarnetteNo place celebrates Christmas like Dixie, and with this charming, humorous guide, anyone can learn how to deck the halls, Southern style It's the one time of the year when both the divine and debutantes take center stage in a perfect storm of hot glue and cheese grits: Christmas. But successfully navigating through the holiday season can be more complex than Santa's midnight journey. There are pitfalls hotter than any chimney -- and social situations more slippery than any roof! But now The Official Guide to Christmas in the South has arrived to reveal the finer and sometimes unspoken details of Dixie etiquette. Perfect for a true Southerner's coffee table or an imposter's survival guide, The Official Guide to Christmas in the South is the gift that will keep on regifting season after season.
The Official MacGyver Survival Manual: 155 Ways to Save the Day
by Allain RhettHandy (and often hilarious) hacks from the resourceful TV hero. Includes illustrations! For over thirty years, the name MacGyver has been synonymous with astonishing feats of ingenuity, from fixing a car with nothing but water and egg whites to busting out of jail using a hairpin and a pair of repurposed handcuffs to, of course, saving the world with his favorite weapon, a simple paperclip. What you might not know is that every trick that the resourceful secret agent pulls off on CBS&’s hit show has been tested and fact-checked by experts, and really works . . . most of the time. No one is saying that you should craft a DIY airplane out of trash bags and a lawnmower engine. But with this book, you could. The first official how-to guide to the MacGyver universe, this book is packed with drawings and step-by-step descriptions of the hacks that made this character the world&’s most resourceful secret agent. It&’s lots of fun for fans of the new hit series as well as the classic show that started it all—or anyone who enjoys a bit of applied physics and clever problem-solving.
The Official Netflix Cookbook: 70 Recipes from Your TV to Your Table
by Anna PainterEnjoy 70 delicious dishes inspired by iconic Netflix movies and series with Netflix: The Official Cookbook!You&’re settling in for a night of watching the next volume of your favorite show and you&’re going to need snacks! Netflix: The Official Cookbook offers Netflix-inspired food and drinks to create the best menu to devour along with the latest season of your favorite show. Pair your Netflix home menu of shows, movies, docuseries, and stand-up comedy specials with the perfect snacks, main courses, desserts, and drinks. Each chapter offers delicious Netflix-category themed cuisine that will give viewers the perfect additions to their Casual Viewing, Familiar Favorites, and Watch In One Night marathons! Prepare a themed meal to enhance your 90-Minute Movie viewing experience or make delicious desserts based on TV Shows Based on Books. Prepare to Watch It Again and cook it again! 70 RECIPES INSPIRED BY NETFLIX: Netflix: The Official Cookbook serves up appetizers, meals, and desserts inspired by Netflix&’s series and popular categories to create the perfect snacking and streaming experience FOOD FOR EVERY GENRE: Netflix: The Official Cookbook references the popular shows and tailored-for-you categories that fans of the streaming service know and love. Offering new recipes inspired by your favorite Netflix categories, you will be treated to an immersive experience RECIPES FOR ALL SKILL LEVELS: With accessible step-by-step instructions and helpful cooking tips for everyone, Netflix: The Official Cookbook is a great guide for fans of any skill level, from kitchen novices to seasoned chefs TOP PICKS FOR GIFTS: With 70 recipes, Netflix: The Official Cookbook is the perfect gift for the serious streamer in your life ONLY ON NETFLIX: The only cookbook with official recipes directly inspired by the Netflix viewing experience
The Official Quotable Doctor Who: Wise Words From Across Space and Time
by Cavan Scott Mark Wright"All of time and space. All things that ever happened or ever will. Where do you want to start?"From a junkyard in Totter's Lane to the fields of Trenzalore, the last of the Time Lords has navigated the past, present, and future using knowledge gathered from centuries of adventures in space and time. Now the authors of the bestselling Who-Ology have collected the best of that timey-wimey knowledge into one place. Covering themes of home and work, travel and technology, the history of the Earth and the fate of the future—you'll find a Doctor-y bon mot for every occasion here.Collecting half a century of quips and quotes, and beautifully illustrated throughout, The Official Quotable Doctor Who is your indispensable guide to life, love, mirth, and monsters.
The Official Razzie Movie Guide: Enjoying the Best of Hollywood's Worst
by John WilsonA paperback guide to 100 of the funniest bad movies ever made, this book covers a wide range of hopeless Hollywood product, and also including rare Razzie ceremony photos and a complete history of everything ever nominated for Tinsel Town's Tackiest Trophy.
The Official Rock Paper Scissors Strategy Guide
by Graham Walker Douglas WalkerRock Paper Scissors (RPS), the ultimate decision-making tool, is played the world over. By the late twentieth century, however, the sport's illustrious governing body, the World Rock Paper Scissors Society, had fallen on hard times. It was then that brothers Douglas and Graham Walker boldly took up the challenge to restore the World RPS Society to its former glory, and now they bring you the ultimate strategy guide to this time-honored game. The Official Rock Paper Scissors Strategy Guide covers the whole RPS scene from the school yard to the pro level, including RPS culture around the world, the personality behind each throw, and secrets of the RPS masters. Learn how to intimidate your opponent and anticipate his next move. Get the answers to burning questions such as "Does Rock crush Scissors, or are Scissors dulled by Rock?" and "Who invented RPS?" Forget about flipping a coin or consulting your Magic 8 Ball -- Rock Paper Scissors is the only decision-making tool anyone needs.
The Official Rules: 5,427 Laws, Principles, and Axioms to Help You Cope with Crises, Deadlines, Bad Luck, Rude Behavior, Red Tape, and Attacks by Inanimate Objects (Dover Humor)
by Paul DicksonThis new, vastly expanded and enriched version of The Official Rules presents precisely 5,427 laws, principles, rules, proverbs, and aphorisms collected by Paul Dickson and the esteemed Fellows of the Murphy Center for the Codification of Human and Organizational Law. This often amusing, sometimes profound, collection of "official rules" was gathered one rule at a time over more than forty years from pundits, prophets, and everyday folks. It provides a means of coping in a world of human error and foibles where nothing is ever as simple as it seems, everything takes longer than expected, and inanimate objects possess an innate perversity. In sum it is rich testimony to the resiliency of the human spirit in facing the pitfalls and potholes of modern life. Though the vast majority of these life lessons were gathered in the 20th century, they are still timely and concise enough to fit inside the framework of a tweet. Recognizing the humor in adversity, these comic truths encourage acceptance of life's little imperfections. For example, Agnes Allen's timeless law: Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
Official Slacker Handbook
by Sarah DunnThe '90's answer to The Preppie Handbook is a satiric, humorous and comprehensive critique, written by the ultimate slacker, that reveals rules, guidelines and recommendations for being a state-of-the-art slacker. The book features a hip MTV-like format with fast-cut sidebars, cartoons, photos, lists, quizzes and charts.
The Official Underground 2012 Doomsday Survival Handbook
by W. H. MumfreyThe End is Nigh!Nuclear holocaust, supervolcano, asteroid impact, mega tsunami, alien invasion, zombie outbreak? Will the world end with a whimper or a bang?W.H. Mumfrey covers it all. From doomsday predictions that have occurred throughout history, to how the Mayans might have really figured it out, to analysis of movies that offer tips on how to survive a variety of scenarios, he leaves no stone unturned.However the end arrives, Mumfrey prepares you for what to expect after the apocalypse. He provides valuable pointers on how to survive a litany of doomsday scenarios—and how to rebuild the earth if you're one of the survivors. Essential topics include foraging for food, looting 101, barricades and fortifications for beginners, dealing with cannibals, mutant identification, post-apocalyptic fashions, renovating your subterranean hideout, decoys and booby-traps for dummies, dating after doomsday and more.So as you stockpile your bottles of water, dig out your bunker, and finesse your plan for a brand new government, keep this book in hand. You won't be sorry.
The Official Underground 2012 Doomsday Survival Handbook
by W. H. MumfreyThe End is Nigh! Nuclear holocaust, supervolcano, asteroid impact, mega tsunami, alien invasion, zombie outbreak? Will the world end with a whimper or a bang?W. H. Mumfrey covers it all. From doomsday predictions that have occurred throughout history, to how the Mayans might have really figured it out, to analysis of movies that offer tips on how to survive a variety of scenarios, he leaves no stone unturned. However the end arrives, Mumfrey prepares you for what to expect after the apocalypse. He provides valuable pointers on how to survive a litany of doomsday scenarios-and how to rebuild the earth if you're one of the survivors. Essential topics include foraging for food, looting 101, barricades and fortifications for beginners, dealing with cannibals, mutant identification, post-apocalyptic fashions, renovating your subterranean hideout, decoys and booby-traps for dummies, dating after doomsday and more. So as you stockpile your bottles of water, dig out your bunker, and finesse your plan for a brand new government, keep this book in hand. You won't be sorry.
Officially Off the Clock: Best Wishes for a Happy Retirement
by Editors of Ulysses PressSurprise new retirees with this hilarious and pawsitively adorable gift book full of funny sayings and retirement wishes—a perfect going-away gift for those lucky coworkers, bosses, friends, family, and more! Kick back and relax into full-time retired life with some dogs that already know how to live the good life in this funny, utterly adorable and giftable retirement book. Inside you’ll find hard-working (and hardly working) pups to inspire, admire—and just plain make you laugh—paired with quotes and sayings all about making the most of the best years of your life, including: - “No work and all play.” - “Life’s a beach when you’re retired.” - “What do you call a person who’s happy on a Monday? Retired.” - “No more alarm clocks, just dream schedules.” Shake off those sad goodbyes with this beautiful, hardcover collection of dogs on permanent vacation—the perfect gift for the new retiree in your life!
Officially Retired: Hilarious Quips and Quotes to Celebrate Your Freedom
by Ted HeybridgeCongratulations, you've retired! It's time to celebrate your freedom. Make the most of all your new free time with Officially Retired, a funny book of quotes, quips and statements on the joys and tribulations of retirement. Put your feet up, relax and enjoy this side-splitting little book.
Officially Retired: Hilarious Quips and Quotes to Celebrate Your Freedom
by Ted HeybridgeCongratulations, you've retired! It's time to celebrate your freedom. Make the most of all your new free time with Officially Retired, a funny book of quotes, quips and statements on the joys and tribulations of retirement. Put your feet up, relax and enjoy this side-splitting little book.
Oggie Cooder: A Combo Of Oggie Cooder And Oggie Cooder, Party Animal (Oggie Cooder Ser.)
by Sarah WeeksFrom the author of So B. It—now a major motion picture. “A loveable character . . . Fans of Jeff Kinney’s Wimpy Kid titles will be drawn to Oggie.” —School Library JournalOggie Cooder has a talent—he can charve better than anyone else in Truman Elementary School. (Charving, for the uninitiated, is the carving of a piece of cheese with one’s teeth.) Oggie doesn’t think this is anything special—but his whole school will soon be disagreeing with him. Because after he inadvertently charves during a nationwide hunt for unusual talents, his charving puts him on the path to fame and fortune. Suddenly, he’s the star of the school . . . but he’s not sure that he wants to shine that way. This is Sarah Weeks at her best—funny, clever, and kid-friendly.“Oggie’s adventure delivers a message about staying true to oneself, but the lesson is never cheesy; it is as light-hearted and tasty as Oggie’s charving lessons.” —Kidsreads.com“What is refreshing is that Oggie doesn’t have to change his nature to change his social status. Gentle humor with a satisfying message for middle-grade readers.” —Kirkus Reviews
Oggie Cooder, Party Animal: A Combo Of Oggie Cooder And Oggie Cooder, Party Animal (Oggie Cooder Ser.)
by Sarah WeeksOggie Cooder returns . . . with an invitation to the birthday pool party of the year. It’s sink or swim time for a boy, his cheese, and his odd talent.Oggie Cooder has never set foot (or swim fin) in his neighbor Donnica Perfecto’s swimming pool. But now he has his chance—it’s Donnica’s birthday, and her mom has forced her to invite Oggie to the pool party! Donnica, though, isn’t about to let this happen. She has a plan to keep Oggie away. But what she doesn’t count on is the power of Oggie’s charving, an unexpected visit from a local rock band, a creative use of a cherry picker, a dog that tweets like a bird, and a boy in a bear suit whose identity will change everything when it’s revealed.“A fast-paced chapter book with cheerful cartoon illustrations provided by Holgate, this can easily be read on its own and will certainly win Oggie new fans.” —Kirkus Reviews“A truly delightful story.” —Kidsreads.com
The Ogre in the Hall
by Céline SorinJojo needs to pee. Urgently! But to get to the toilet, he'll have to meet the ogre in the hallway. Pascal Lemaître&’s brave Jojo and adorable ogre will help kids giggle away nighttime fears.It's late at night, and Jojo knows two things: First, he has to pee, urgently. Second, an ogre lives in the hallway, and he'll have to see him on the way to pee. Not an easy situation to solve. Sword in hand, Jojo creeps along the walls of the dark hallway. Finally he reaches the door, where he discovers that the ogre is inside and on the potty! Jojo tells the ogre to scram, but the sad and sweet-faced ogre is too upset! He has a stomach ache and yes, he&’s also afraid of the dark! The mayhem escalates from there as more creatures appear, piling into the bathroom to hide from their many nighttime fears. Clever and funny with stellar art by Pascal Lemaître, this is a story that will delight children who love monsters and spooky stories as it defangs their fears of the dark.
The Ogre of Oglefort
by Eva IbbotsonIvo the orphan, together with the Hag of Dribble, Ulf the Troll, and Brian the Wizard, sets out to save Princess Mirella from the dreaded Ogre of Oglefort. But when the rescuers arrive at the castle, they are shocked to find that the princess doesn't want to be saved; she wants the ogre to turn her into a bird so she can escape an arranged marriage. And the Ogre isn't nearly the fearsome creature he once was--in fact, he's rather depressed. Now the rescuers have a new goal: save Princess Mirella from her tyrannical royal family and help restore the Ogre and his castle to the fearsome (but fun) paradise it used to be.
Oh!: A Novel
by Mary Robison""At first, Oh! seems a satire, a sitcom stripped of its sentiment and foolishness. But it is far more. Mary Robison is trying to show us how the the incredibly complicated dance of family life works."" —The New YorkerThose who know Mary Robison's work will not be surprised that her first novel leaps from one prodigal moment to the next, for as Kenneth Burke has said of this startling writer, ""Robison outguesses the shrewdest reader—even several times on a single page.""In Oh!, these marvels have their source in a summer's romp with a madcap Midwestern family flourishing under the eccentric protection of a father like no other. He is the wifeless Mr. Cleveland, now an enthusiast at gardening and insobriety since passing from active service as ruler of his soda–pop and miniature golf domain. Cleveland's is the contented life of the man who knows who he is. The same might be said for his motherless children, Mo and Howdy, though they are scarcely children still. The loutish, loafing Mo is, in fact, a young single mother to little Violet.Like the rest of the Clevelands, Violet is nobody's fool. For in all their seeming misadventures, the Clevelands are guided by the reliable intelligence of the heart. Beneath the pastel frames of their lives, the Clevelands have modeled a design for living with the unlucky nature of things, a way of being happy in the world.