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500 Dates: Dispatches from the Front Lines of the Online Dating Wars
by Mark Miller Julie SpiraNow several years post-divorce, relationship expert and humorist Mark Miller has experienced more than five hundred first dates. In 500 Dates, composed of fifty-five humor essays, Miller features the highlights and lowlights of those dates.Among the true dating tales and revelations you will find in this book are: How Miller and his date learned the limitations of a man being too emotionally expressive. ("Most guys consider revealing more about themselves emotionally and communicating on a deeper level nearly as enjoyable as falling face-first onto an ice pick-or spending the rest of eternity listening to Celine Dion music.") Miller's realization that sometimes men have to pay a heavy price for their dates' previous relationship behavior.("At least six different times, God has matched me up with a woman who has had a long history of wild, impulsive, passionate, no-holds-barred sex. She invariably finds something lacking in that lifestyle and decides to make a change. Starting with the very next man she dates. Who is invariably me.") Miller's misguided social experiment to separate dating from status by spending less than $20 on the date, purchasing everything at a 99¢ store, and what he learned, as a result, about his date and himself. ("I realize now that on the journey of romance, thrift and creativity will take you only so far - for the rest of the trip, you'll need MasterCard.") Revealed for the first time the inner workings of a man's brain.("Cerebellum. Responsible for coordinating movement and maintaining balance. Used primarily when a man has had eight beers and is endeavoring to make his way to the bathroom without tripping over the dog and pulling the fish tank over on top of them.") How Miller took his date to his ex-wife's holiday party only to find his date and his ex-wife bonding like high school girlfriends. ("Pam would take Amy aside and present to her a list of all 273 of my failings, most of which, she confides to Amy, won't become noticeable until month three of Amy's being with me. Amy is stunned; she'd only been aware of 149 of my failings.")But 500 Dates is about much more than dating. Its humor essays also cover romance, relationships, breakups, attraction, the nature of love, and how both men and women view the art, science, expectations, and reality of courtship and turning courtship into something deeper and longer lasting in the twenty-first century. Throughout these essays, a portion of which were previously published in various media, Miller provides a sense of hope about one's romantic prospects. Readers will find that the end of a marriage, even a long-term one, does not mean the end of romance-or one's sense of humor.
The 500 Hats of Bartholomew Cubbins
by Dr SeussEach time Bartholomew Cubbins attempts to obey the King's order to take off his hat, he finds there is another one on his head.
500 Miles from You: A Novel
by Jenny ColganWhat happens when two medical professionals--ex Army medic from a village in the Scottish Highlands and an inner city nurse from inner-city London—switch jobs for three months and become unlikely pen pals? Lissa, is a nurse in a gritty, hectic London neighborhood. Always terribly competent and good at keeping it all together, she’s been suffering quietly with PTSD after helping to save the victim of a shocking crime. Her supervisor quietly arranges for Lissa to spend a few months doing a much less demanding job in the little town of Kirrinfeif in the Scottish Highlands, hoping that the change of scenery will help her heal. Lissa will be swapping places with Cormack, an Army veteran who’s Kirrinfeif’s easygoing nurse/paramedic/all-purpose medical man. Lissa’s never experienced small-town life, and Cormack’s never spent more than a day in a big city, but it seems like a swap that would do them both some good. In London, the gentle Cormack is a fish out of the water; in Kirrinfief, the dynamic Lissa finds it hard to adjust to the quiet. But these two strangers are now in constant contact, taking over each other’s patients, endlessly emailing about anything and everything. Lissa and Cormack discover a new depth of feeling…for their profession and for each other. But what will happen when Lissa and Cormack finally meet…?
501 Excuses for a Bad Golf Shot
by Justin ExnerYou can blame your job...You can blame the course...You can blame mother nature...Or you can blame your equipment...But Never, Ever, BLAME YOURSELF!
501 Golf Jokes For Almost All Occassions
by Franklin DohanyosFirst Golfer: "Hey, how's your golf game?"Second Golfer: "Not so good. It seems the older I get, the better I used to be!" Whether you're slicing your way through the fairway or chipping up enough dirt to build an in-ground pool, there's nothing like a good golf joke to keep a duffer from taking the game too seriously (you know who you are). This riotous collection contains enough material for you and your fellow golfers to laugh your way to the 19th hole, game after game. Two golfer and their caddies were out on the course one day. By the fifteenth hole one of the golfers had blown so many putts he went berserk. He started swearing out loud, grabbed his putter and, with a mighty toss, threw it at the water hazard forty yards away. One caddy turned to the other and said, "Five bucks says he misses the water!" For anyone with a sense of humor, even those who think that golf and golfers are best left to America's Funniest Home Videos, 501 Golf Jokes will always make a hold-in-one at parties, at the office, at any occasion. Franklin Dohanyos collaborated with Karoyln Grimes on the holiday bestseller Zuzu Bailey's "It's A Wonderful Life" Cookbook and is the editor of The Cats Of Our Lives. He runs his own public relations firm and lives in Royal Oak, Michigan.
501 Things to Do with a Zombie
by J. C. Richards Aaron WaiteZombies are were people too! Escape routes, defense plans, survival kits. Enough is enough! Zombies have gotten a bad rap, and it's time the redeeming qualities of these brain-eating (but potentially lovable) creatures come to light. Enter 501 Things to Do with a Zombie. Inside, you'll see that the undead make the perfect sidekicks for just about anything you've got going on. Can't convince a buddy to join you in karaoke? No worries! A Zombie never suffers from stage fright! Looking to take a leisurely stroll through the local farmers' market? Zombies know the secret to picking out the freshest tomatoes. Need to negotiate a new cell-phone contract? Bring a Zombie along to get out of the two-year commitment (he can strong-arm the sales rep--that is, unless it's missing).Sure, Zombies may have rotting flesh and nasty viruses, but don't we all have our faults? Open your mind and open this book for inspired ideas on how we can all learn to get along. Monstrous fun awaits.
501 Things to Do with a Zombie
by J. C. Richards Aaron WaiteZombies are were people too!Escape routes, defense plans, survival kits. Enough is enough! Zombies have gotten a bad rap, and it's time the redeeming qualities of these brain-eating (but potentially lovable) creatures come to light. Enter 501 Things to Do with a Zombie. Inside, you'll see that the undead make the perfect sidekicks for just about anything you've got going on.Can't convince a buddy to join you in karaoke? No worries! A Zombie never suffers from stage fright!Looking to take a leisurely stroll through the local farmers' market? Zombies know the secret to picking out the freshest tomatoes.Need to negotiate a new cell-phone contract? Bring a Zombie along to get out of the two-year commitment (he can strong-arm the sales rep-that is, unless it's missing).Sure, Zombies may have rotting flesh and nasty viruses, but don't we all have our faults? Open your mind and open this book for inspired ideas on how we can all learn to get along.Monstrous fun awaits!
52 McGs.
by Robert Mcg. Thomas Chris CalhounAmong his devoted fans, his pieces were known simply as McGs. With a "genius for illuminating that sometimes ephemeral apogee in people's lives when they prove capable of generating a brightly burning spark" (Columbia Journalism Review), Robert McG. Thomas Jr. commemorated fascinating, unconventional lives with signature style and wit. The New York Times received countless letters over the years from readers moved to tears or laughter by a McG. Eschewing traditionally famous subjects, Thomas favored unsung heroes, eccentrics, and underachievers, including: Edward Lowe, the inventor of Kitty Litter ("Cat Owner's Best Friend"); Angelo Zuccotti, the bouncer at El Morocco ("Artist of the Velvet Rope"); and Kay Halle, a glamorous Cleveland department store heiress who received sixty-four marriage proposals ("An Intimate of Century's Giants"). In one of his classic obituaries, Thomas described Anton Rosenberg as a "storied sometime artist and occasional musician who embodied the Greenwich Village hipster ideal of 1950's cool to such a laid-back degree and with such determined detachment that he never amounted to much of anything." Thomas captured life's ironies and defining moments with elegance and a gift for making a sentence sing. He had an uncanny sense of the passion and personality that make each life unique, and the ability, as Joseph Epstein wrote, to "look beyond the facts and the rigid formula of the obit to touch on a deeper truth." Compiled by Chris Calhoun, one of Thomas's most dedicated readers, and with a fittingly sharp introduction from acclaimed novelist and critic Thomas Mallon, 52 McGs. will win legions of new fans to the masterful writer who transformed the obituary into an art form.
52 Things to Do While You Poo: The 1980s Edition
by Hugh JassburnFrom the bestselling author of 52 Things to Do While You Poo, this nostalgic mix of trivia and puzzles will bring back the awesome appeal of the EightiesIf you grew up in the 1980s, you know that nothing compares to the music, fashion, toys, TV, films and sheer feel of that decade. But how much can you really remember?When you next take a trip to the toilet, this colourful collection of puzzles, activities and trivia will serve as a leisurely stroll down memory lane, dusting off half-remembered facts and even filling in a few gaps.From bestselling author and fiendish brain-teaser Hugh Jassburn, this illustrated celebration of history’s finest decade includes the following challenges and more:Help Arnie navigate through a jungle maze to get to the chopperMatch hit songs to the year they came outSolve trivia questions relating to Madonna and the TV show DallasTrack down the names of iconic world leaders in a word searchSpot the differences in a sea of Rubik’s cubes52 Things to Do While You Poo: The 1980s Edition is the perfect gift for those who lived through these glory days – or those who just wish they had.
52 Things to Do While You Poo: The 1970s Edition
by Hugh JassburnFrom the bestselling author of 52 Things to Do While You Poo, this nostalgic and amusing mix of trivia and puzzles will bring back all the stylish charm of the SeventiesIf you grew up in the 1970s, you know that nothing compares to the music, fashion, toys, TV, films and sheer feel of that decade. But how much can you really remember?When you next take a trip to the toilet, this colourful collection of puzzles, activities and trivia will serve as a leisurely stroll down memory lane, dusting off half-remembered facts and even filling in a few gaps.From bestselling author and fiendish brain-teaser Hugh Jassburn, this illustrated celebration of history’s finest decade includes the following challenges and more:Help Evel Knievel zoom through a maze on his way to a death-defying stunt jumpMatch hit songs to the year they came outSolve trivia questions relating to ABBA and the blockbuster JawsTrack down the names of iconic world leaders in a word searchSpot the differences in a sea of space hoppers52 Things to Do While You Poo: The 1970s Edition is the perfect gift for those who lived through these glory days – or those who just wish they had.
52 Things to Do While You Poo: Hunt the Dump
by Hugh JassburnYou know a pile of poo when you see one. But what about when the poo is carefully concealed in an everyday scene? Bestselling author Hugh Jassburn has created a selection of entrancing visual puzzles to entertain you while you take a break. From the beach to the street, there’s a dump to be discovered on every spread of this hilarious book.
52 Things to Do While You Poo: Not the Bog-Standard Edition
by Hugh JassburnQuality time alone on the lavatory is a truly special occasion. What better way to celebrate and honour this ritual than with some extraordinary reading material? Lord of toilet trivia and master architect of poo-themed puzzles, Hugh Jassburn has unloaded his creative bowels once more in this astounding collection of all-new amusements. From eye-watering stats to mind-boggling mazes, this special edition is anything but bog-standard.
52 Things to Do While You Poo: The Fart Edition
by Hugh JassburnFrom the bestselling author of 52 Things to Do While You Poo, this hilarious mix of fart-themed puzzles and trivia will blow your socks off!Roaring from the rear, belching from behind, tooting the trouser trumpet – whatever you call it, we all fart, some of us more than others (and some a lot more than others).Everyone knows a committed farter – with their knowing smile, never shying away from taking full responsibility. So give them the recognition they deserve: a book celebrating their greatest skill, full of activities and puzzles to keep them engrossed, along with fascinating fart facts that’ll blow their mind.From bestselling author and brain-teaser Hugh Jassburn, this illustrated collection includes the following delights and more:Find the “stink”, “smell” and “stench” in one of many word searchesDiscover the chemical composition of farts and how much gas you pass per daySpot the differences between flatulent attendees at a yoga classFill in the fart clouds in several rounds of sudokuEnjoy a selection of fart quotes from the likes of Robin Williams, Andy Samberg and Billy ConnollyWhether you’re on the john or under the covers, 52 Things to Do While You Poo: The Fart Edition is an unforgettable experience, as playful as it is pungent.
52 Things to Do While You Poo: Puzzles, Activities and Trivia to Keep You Occupied
by Hugh JassburnThe average person spends three years of their life on the toilet – and when you have nothing to do but poo, perching on the porcelain can be very boring. But fear not! Thanks to this book, you can say goodbye to this everyday tedium.World-renowned excretion expert Hugh Jassburn has compiled a compendium of entertaining activities and informative fun that will make you want to stay put, even if you don’t need to go. Try your hand at word searches and fiendish hidden-picture games, or test yourself with maze puzzles and brain-twisters. You can also enjoy a roll-call of mind-blowing lavatory facts you never knew you needed until now.So, pick up this book and start to make the most of your time on the toilet, because working your brain and your butt simultaneously has never been easier or more enjoyable. Doing a number two will never be the same again. “Every toilet should have a copy of this book next to it.” Frank Aeces, WHAT TOILET? magazine “From poo puzzles to poo facts, pooing has never been so much fun.” Dr Dum Ping, POO MONTHLY
52 Things to Do While You Poo: The Fart Edition
by Hugh JassburnFrom the bestselling author of 52 Things to Do While You Poo, this hilarious mix of fart-themed puzzles and trivia will blow your socks off!Roaring from the rear, belching from behind, tooting the trouser trumpet – whatever you call it, we all fart, some of us more than others (and some a lot more than others).Everyone knows a committed farter – with their knowing smile, never shying away from taking full responsibility. So give them the recognition they deserve: a book celebrating their greatest skill, full of activities and puzzles to keep them engrossed, along with fascinating fart facts that’ll blow their mind.From bestselling author and brain-teaser Hugh Jassburn, this illustrated collection includes the following delights and more:Find the “stink”, “smell” and “stench” in one of many word searchesDiscover the chemical composition of farts and how much gas you pass per daySpot the differences between flatulent attendees at a yoga classFill in the fart clouds in several rounds of sudokuEnjoy a selection of fart quotes from the likes of Robin Williams, Andy Samberg and Billy ConnollyWhether you’re on the john or under the covers, 52 Things to Do While You Poo: The Fart Edition is an unforgettable experience, as playful as it is pungent.
52 Things to Do While You Poo: The Turd Edition
by Hugh JassburnTurds tell us a lot about who we are (not just what we’ve eaten). And these steaming symbols of our common humanity deserve to be celebrated, especially in the moment of their creation. Renowned poo-fessor of scatology Hugh Jassburn has therefore compiled this fresh collection of polished puzzles and fascinating trivia. Discover what merde is made of, or where there’s a museum dedicated to dumps. Solve stool-themed word searches and mind-boggling sudokus. Embrace the absurd and pay tribute to the turd.
52 Things to Do While You Poo: The 1960s Edition
by Hugh JassburnFrom the bestselling author of 52 Things to Do While You Poo, this nostalgic and amusing mix of trivia and puzzles will bring back the iconic vibe of the Swinging SixtiesIf you grew up in the 1960s, you know that nothing compares to the music, fashion, toys, TV, films and sheer feel of that decade. But how much can you really remember?When you next take a trip to the toilet, this colourful collection of puzzles, activities and trivia will serve as a leisurely stroll down memory lane, dusting off half-remembered facts and even filling in a few gaps.From bestselling author and fiendish brain-teaser Hugh Jassburn, this illustrated celebration of history’s finest decade includes the following challenges and more:Help the Beatles traverse a long and winding maze on their way to Abbey RoadMatch hit songs to the year they came outSolve trivia questions relating to Dr Who and James BondTrack down the names of iconic world leaders in a word searchSpot the differences in a sea of Vespa scooters52 Things to Do While You Poo: The 1960s Edition is the perfect gift for those who lived through these glory days – or those who just wish they had.
52 Things to Do While You Poo: The Turd Edition
by Hugh JassburnTurds tell us a lot about who we are (not just what we’ve eaten). And these steaming symbols of our common humanity deserve to be celebrated, especially in the moment of their creation. Renowned poo-fessor of scatology Hugh Jassburn has therefore compiled this fresh collection of polished puzzles and fascinating trivia. Discover what merde is made of, or where there’s a museum dedicated to dumps. Solve stool-themed word searches and mind-boggling sudokus. Embrace the absurd and pay tribute to the turd.
52 Things to Do While You Poo: The Dad Edition
by Hugh JassburnFrom the bestselling author of 52 Things to Do While You Poo, this light-hearted mix of trivia and puzzles is a joyful celebration of the greatest job in the world: fatherhood. Get the screwdriver through the maze, match hit dad songs to their artists, learn incredible new dad jokes, spot the difference in a sea of barbecues, and much, much more!
52 Things to Learn on the Loo: Things to Teach Yourself While You Poo
by Hugh JassburnExpand your mind as you lighten your load!Make use of those dull moments on the lavatory by teaching yourself how a starfish eats a clam, how to say “Hello” in every European language and what the dot over an “i” is called. Covering all types of trivia, from science and natural history to the different types of moustache, this little book contains enough fascinating facts to keep you learning throughout the year.You will pick up impressive knowledge and remarkable wisdom such as:The capital cities of every countryThe major bones in the human bodyThe longest word you can spell using only the top row of letters on a keyboardThe inventor of sticky tapeThe world’s oceans and seasHow bees make honeyAnd much, much more. A superb addition to anyone’s bathroom library, this book could help you win at your next quiz or at least give you a bunch of fun facts to spout when you’re out and about.“Taking a dump just got a lot more interesting”Crapping Quarterly
52 Things to Learn on the Loo: Things to Teach Yourself While You Poo
by Hugh JassburnExpand your mind as you lighten your load!Make use of those dull moments on the lavatory by teaching yourself how a starfish eats a clam, how to say “Hello” in every European language and what the dot over an “i” is called. Covering all types of trivia, from science and natural history to the different types of moustache, this little book contains enough fascinating facts to keep you learning throughout the year.You will pick up impressive knowledge and remarkable wisdom such as:The capital cities of every countryThe major bones in the human bodyThe longest word you can spell using only the top row of letters on a keyboardThe inventor of sticky tapeThe world’s oceans and seasHow bees make honeyAnd much, much more. A superb addition to anyone’s bathroom library, this book could help you win at your next quiz or at least give you a bunch of fun facts to spout when you’re out and about.“Taking a dump just got a lot more interesting”Crapping Quarterly
52 Times Britain was a Bellend: The History You Didn't Get Taught At School
by James Felton'Scurrilous, scandalous and frequently disgusting. I absolutely loved it' James O'BrienTwitter hero James Felton brings you the painfully funny history of Britain you were never taught at school, fully illustrated and chronicling 52 of the most ludicrous, weird and downright 'baddie' things we Brits* have done to the world since time immemorial - before conveniently forgetting all about them, of course. Including:- Starting wars with China when they didn't buy enough of our class A drugs- Inventing a law so we didn't have to return objects we'd blatantly stolen from other countries- Casually creating muzzles for women- Almost going to war over a crime committed by a pig- And a brand new chapter just for the paperback!52 TIMES BRITAIN WAS A BELLEND will complete your knowledge of this sceptred isle in ways you never expected. So if you've ever wondered how we put the 'Great' in 'Great Britain', wonder no more . . .*And when we say British, for the most part we unfortunately just mean the English. JAMES FELTON'S "SUNBURN" ('AN ASTONISHING PIECE OF WORK' James O'Brien; 'FUNNY, SCATHING AND WITTY' IAN DUNT) IS OUT NOW
52 Times Britain was a Bellend: The History You Didn't Get Taught At School
by James Felton'Scurrilous, scandalous and frequently disgusting. I absolutely loved it' James O'BrienTwitter hero James Felton brings you the painfully funny history of Britain you were never taught at school, fully illustrated and chronicling 52 of the most ludicrous, weird and downright 'baddie' things we Brits* have done to the world since time immemorial - before conveniently forgetting all about them, of course. Including:- Starting wars with China when they didn't buy enough of our class A drugs- Inventing a law so we didn't have to return objects we'd blatantly stolen from other countries- Casually creating muzzles for women- Almost going to war over a crime committed by a pig- And a brand new chapter just for the paperback!52 TIMES BRITAIN WAS A BELLEND will complete your knowledge of this sceptred isle in ways you never expected. So if you've ever wondered how we put the 'Great' in 'Great Britain', wonder no more . . .*And when we say British, for the most part we unfortunately just mean the English.JAMES FELTON'S "SUNBURN" ('AN ASTONISHING PIECE OF WORK' James O'Brien; 'FUNNY, SCATHING AND WITTY' IAN DUNT) IS OUT NOW
52 Times Britain was a Bellend: The History You Didn't Get Taught At School
by James FeltonJAMES FELTON'S NEW BOOK "SUNBURN" ('AN ASTONISHING PIECE OF WORK' James O'Brien; 'FUNNY, SCATHING AND WITTY' IAN DUNT) IS OUT NOW 'Scurrilous, scandalous and frequently disgusting. I absolutely loved it' James O'BrienTwitter hero James Felton brings you the painfully funny history of Britain you were never taught at school, fully illustrated and chronicling 52 of the most ludicrous, weird and downright 'baddie' things we Brits* have done to the world since time immemorial - before conveniently forgetting all about them, of course. Including:- Starting wars with China when they didn't buy enough of our class A drugs- Inventing a law so we didn't have to return objects we'd blatantly stolen from other countries - Casually creating muzzles for women- And almost going to war over a crime committed by a pig52 TIMES BRITAIN WAS A BELLEND will complete your knowledge of this sceptred isle in ways you never expected. So if you've ever wondered how we put the 'Great' in 'Great Britain', wonder no more . . . *And when we say British, for the most part we unfortunately just mean the English.
55 Slightly Sinister Stories: 55 Stories. 55 Words Each. No More. No Less.
by Racha MourtadaSize does matter in these delightfully tiny tales populated with narcoleptic drivers, bickering backers, suspicious spouses, and other memorable characters. Full of dark humor, intrigue, and absurdity, this collection of slightly sinister (and occasionally sweet) stories delivers a bite-size reading experience to satisfy any literary craving.