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Baseball's Best Excuses: Hilarious Excuses Every Baseball Player Should Know
by Joshua ShifrinExplain away your bad at-bats and imperfect pitches—and have your friends laugh at the same time! In Baseball's Best Excuses, author Joshua Shifrin takes a witty approach in helping baseball players make sense of their worst days on the diamond. The next time a player leads his or her team in defeat, he or she can always explain the woeful performance with &“The guy batting after me is terrible.&” Or after a bad pitching outing, players might try to explain the mishap with, &“I couldn&’t control my fastball." Shifrin has crafted loads of funny—but all-too-real—excuses for pros and amateurs alike. Examples include: The pitcher was taking too much time between pitches. The fans behind home plate were distracting. I&’m not used to the dimensions in this park. The manager had me playing out of position. And many more! Whether you want to motivate the amateur in your life or laugh away embarrassing mistakes in your own game, Baseball's Best Excuses is a must-read. Complete with laugh-out-loud full-color cartoons, this book makes for the perfect gift.
Based on a True Story: A Memoir
by Norm Macdonald<P>Wild, dangerous, and flat-out unbelievable, here is the incredible memoir of the actor, gambler, raconteur, SNL veteran, and one of the best stand-up comedians of all time. <P>As this book's title suggests, Norm Macdonald tells the story of his life--more or less--from his origins on a farm in the-back-of-beyond Canada and an epically disastrous appearance on Star Search to his account of auditioning for Lorne Michaels and his memorable run as the anchor of Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live--until he was fired because a corporate executive didn't think he was funny. But Based on a True Story is much more than a memoir; it's the hilarious, inspired epic of Norm's life. <P>In dispatches from a road trip to Las Vegas (part of a plan hatched to regain the fortune he'd lost to sports betting and other vices) with his sidekick and enabler, Adam Eget, Norm recounts the milestone moments, the regrets, the love affairs, the times fortune smiled on his life, and the times it refused to smile. As the clock ticks down, Norm's debt reaches record heights, and he must find a way to evade the hefty price that's been placed on his head by one of the most dangerous loan sharks in the country. <P>As a comedy legend should, Norm peppers these pages with classic jokes and fondly mythologized Hollywood stories. This wildly adventurous, totally original, and absurdly funny saga turns the conventional "comic's memoir" on its head and gives the reader an exclusive pass into the mad, glorious mind of Norm Macdonald. <P><b>A New York Times Bestseller</b>
Based on a True Story
by Elizabeth RenzettiA delectable satirical novel about celebrity culture, journalism, truth, lies, consequences — about the fictions we tell ourselves and the fictions we tell others.Augusta Price (not her real name) is famous in England for playing a slatternly barmaid on a nighttime soap opera and for falling down drunk in public. Now, she has no job, no relationship with her long-lost son, and a sad shortage of tranquilizers — but she has had an improbable hit with her memoir (which is based on a true story, but only very loosely).But when Frances Bleeker — an insecure and not very successful American tabloid journalist — tells Augusta that a man she once loved has written a book, Augusta becomes terrified that her life story will be revealed as the web of lies it really is. She sets out on a trans-Atlantic journey from London to California to seek revenge on her former lover — a journey that will require the reluctant help of Frances.
Bashir Boutros and the Jewel of the Nile (Bashir Boutros and the Jewel of the Nile #1)
by George JreijeFrom George Jreije, author of the acclaimed Shad Hadid and the Alchemists of Alexandria series, comes the first book in a new high-stakes middle grade fantasy. Perfect for fans of Percy Jackson and the Rick Riordan Presents line! Shy, eleven-year-old Bashir Boutros dreads going back to America after an amazing summer in Lebanon. He’s always felt invisible back home, where he doesn’t have any real friends. Then, Bashir makes a lucky discovery—a long-lost ring containing a jinn whose magical aura brings power to those who wield it.But the ring’s untold power makes Bashir a target for monsters—including Ali Adin, the world’s most dangerous demon. When Ali Adin kidnaps Bashir’s parents, Bashir joins forces with an ancient society sworn to protect the world from supernatural beings. Together, they set off on a race to stop Ali Adin from conquering the world as Bashir attempts to harness the ring’s abilities.But great power comes at what cost?
The Basic Laws of Human Stupidity: The International Bestseller
by Carlo M. Cipolla"A masterly book" —Nassim Nicholas Taleb, author of The Black Swan "A classic" —Simon Kuper, Financial Times An economist explains five laws that confirm our worst fears: stupid people can and do rule the worldThroughout history, a powerful force has hindered the growth of human welfare and happiness. It is more powerful than the Mafia or the military. It has global catastrophic effects and can be found anywhere from the world's most powerful boardrooms to your local bar. It is human stupidity. Carlo M. Cipolla, noted professor of economic history at the UC Berkeley, created this vitally important book in order to detect and neutralize its threat. Both hilarious and dead serious, it will leave you better equipped to confront political realities, unreasonable colleagues, or your next dinner with your in-laws. The Laws: 1. Everyone underestimates the number of stupid individuals among us. 2. The probability that a certain person is stupid is independent of any other characteristic of that person. 3. A stupid person is a person who causes losses to another person while deriving no gain and even possibly incurring losses themselves. 4. Non-stupid people always underestimate the damaging power of stupid individuals. 5. A stupid person is the most dangerous type of person.
Basic Skills Caucasian Americans Workbook
by Beverly Hope SlapinThe "mysterious" world of Caucasian Americans comes alive through history lessons, puzzles, and word games for all ages in this humorous parody. Presented as a scholastic style educational workbook, it illuminates the history of Caucasian Americans in the United States from a Native American perspective. Chapters with such names as "Caucasian American Languages," "Caucasian American Food Production," and "Caucasian American Religions, Ceremonies, and Superstitions," subversively and playfully critique the role Caucasian Americans have played in shaping the United States. Including delightful illustrations, word scrambles, and other fun exercises, this hilarious lampoon adeptly teaches progressive values through humor.
Basil & Dahlia: A Tragical Tale of Sinister Sweetness
by Joy McCulloughTwo orphan siblings with truly terrible luck battle an evil celebrity chef in this &“bitingly humorous and appealingly weird&” (Publishers Weekly) illustrated middle grade romp in the vein of A Series of Unfortunate Events.It&’s hard to imagine things could get worse after one&’s parents die in a greenhouse explosion. But that is precisely what happens to Basil and his younger sister, Dahlia. They escape from the social worker who wants to split them up to different foster homes by jumping off a moving train, only to find themselves wounded (Dahlia) and bedraggled (Basil) and without a soul to care for them. What&’s more, they&’re lost in the wilds of New York City. Famished and alone, they wander into Cravings, the delectable bakery owned by Laurel Fox, disgraced celebrity chef with a soft spot for poor, hungry orphans. When she offers them luxurious accommodations and all the éclairs they can eat, Basil and Dahlia dare to hope their luck has changed at last. But the savvy reader will know it can&’t be as simple as all that! Laurel Fox is out for redemption, and she&’ll do anything to get the sinister secret ingredient she requires.
Basket Case
by Carl HiaasenJack Tagger is a frustrated journalist. His outspoken views have relegated him to the obituary page, with his byline never again to disgrace the front page. But Jack has stumbled across a whale of a story that might just resurrect his career… James Stomarti, infamous frontman of rock band Jimmy and the Slut Puppies, has died in a diving accident and Jack harbours suspicions that the glamorous pop starlet widow may have had a vested interest in her husband's untimely death. It all smells a little too fishy. Aided and abetted by his rather sexy (if unnervingly ambitious) young editor, Emma, Jack sets out to in pursuit of the truth - and a nice juicy story. But of course nothing is ever straightforward and with murderous goons on his tail, brutal internal politics at the paper and a paranoia about death, Jack is struggling to keep his head above water. Was Jimmy Stomarti murdered? Is someone trying to kill off the Slut Puppies one by one? And what significance can a dead lizard named Colonel Tom possibly have? This is one book you'll kill to get your hands on.
Basket Case (Vintage Crime/black Lizard Ser.)
by Carl HiaasenJack Tagger is a frustrated journalist. His outspoken views have relegated him to the obituary page, with his byline never again to disgrace the front page. But Jack has stumbled across a whale of a story that might just resurrect his career . . . James Stomarti, infamous frontman of rock band Jimmy and the Slut Puppies, has died in a diving accident and Jack harbours suspicions that the glamorous pop starlet widow may have had a vested interest in her husband's untimely death. It all smells a little too fishy. Aided and abetted by his rather sexy (if unnervingly ambitious) young editor, Emma, Jack sets out to in pursuit of the truth - and a nice juicy story. But of course nothing is ever straightforward and with murderous goons on his tail, brutal internal politics at the paper and a paranoia about death, Jack is struggling to keep his head above water. Was Jimmy Stomarti murdered? Is someone trying to kill off the Slut Puppies one by one? And what significance can a dead lizard named Colonel Tom possibly have? This is one book you'll kill to get your hands on.
The Bassoon King: My Life in Art, Faith, and Idiocy
by Rainn WilsonRainn Wilson's memoir about growing up geeky and finally finding his place in comedy, faith, and life. For nine seasons Rainn Wilson played Dwight Schrute, everyone's favorite work nemesis and beet farmer. Viewers of The Office fell in love with the character and grew to love the actor who played him even more. Rainn founded a website and media company, SoulPancake, that eventually became a bestselling book of the same name. He also started a hilarious Twitter feed (sample tweet: "I'm not on Facebook" is the new "I don't even own a TV") that now has more than four million followers. Now, he's ready to tell his own story and explain how he came up with his incredibly unique sense of humor and perspective on life. He explains how he grew up "bone-numbingly nerdy before there was even a modicum of cool attached to the word." The Bassoon King chronicles his journey from nerd to drama geek ("the highest rung on the vast, pimply ladder of high school losers"), his years of mild debauchery and struggles as a young actor in New York, his many adventures and insights about The Office, and finally, Wilson's achievement of success and satisfaction, both in his career and spiritually, reconnecting with the artistic and creative values of the Bahá'í faith he grew up in.From the Hardcover edition.
The Bastard Billionaire (Billionaire Bad Boys #3)
by Jessica LemmonA BILLIONAIRE BAD BOYS NOVELBeauty and the Beastly Billionaire . . . Eli Crane is one tough bastard. After an explosion left him injured and honorably discharged from the Marines, all he wants is to be left alone. Yet his brothers insist he take a greater role in the family business. They've hired him ten personal assistants-and Eli sent each one packing as fast as possible. But when beautiful number eleven walks through the door, Eli will do anything to make her stay.Isabella Sawyer's employment agency can't afford to lose Eli Crane's business. Her plan: to personally take on the role of his PA, and secure her reputation with the wealthy elite in Chicago. But this beauty and her hot billionaire bad boy soon find themselves mixing business with pleasure in the most delicious ways. And passionate, stubborn Isabella won't rest until she tames this wicked beast . . .
Bastille contra los bibliotecarios malvados (Alcatraz contra los Bibliotecarios Malvados #Volumen 6)
by Brandon Sanderson Janci PattersonBastille contra los Bibliotecarios Malvados es la última entrega de Alcatraz contra los bibliotecarios malvados, la fabulosamente divertida serie de aventuras fantásticas middle grade apta para todos los públicos protagonizada por Alcatraz Smedry. Como caballero de Cristalia, yo, Bastille, juré proteger al clan Smedry de los Bibliotecarios Malvados. (Y creedme, incluso los mequetrefes como ellos necesitan que alguien los proteja). Pero cuando ataron a Alcatraz Smedry a un altar de enciclopedias desactualizadas para ofrecerlo como sacrificio a los dioses oscures, llegué demasiado tarde. Y su padre dio la vida por él. Ahora Alcatraz es un mar de lágrimas, así que me toca a mí liderar el ataque contra el asesino de su padre: Biblioden, fundador de los Bibliotecarios Malvados (¡creía que llevaba siglos muerto!). Biblioden ha regresado para llevar a término su plan y conseguir dominar todo el mundo. Va a utilizar los poderes oscuros que ha obtenido con el sacrificio del padre de Alcatraz para doblegar a cualquiera que no esté bajo el control de los Bibliotecarios Malvados. Morir quemado no entra dentro de mis planes, así que más me vale dar con un plan para pararle los pies. Sé que Alcatraz se equivoca cuando dice que no es un héroe, pero, cuando un héroe no está a la altura, es el momento de que el resto demos un paso adelante y hagamos lo que haga falta. ¡El desenlace de la serie middle grade de los autores número 1 del New York Times Brandon Sanderson y Janci Patterson! Reseñas:«Brandon Sanderson es una leyenda.»Alexelcapo, @EvilAFM «Una excelente opción para leer en voz alta a toda la familia. Divertida, emocionante y con un ritmo trepidante.»Nancy Pearl, del programa Morning Edition de NPR.
The Bat (Disgusting Critters #8)
by Elise GravelHilarious illustrated nonfiction about bats perfect for beginning readers. Conversational text and silly illustrations will have you up all night reading about the only flying mammal on Earth!Fast bat facts:Distinctive trait: The only flying mammalDiet: Insects, fruit and even animal bloodSpecial talent: Sleeping upside downThe Bat covers habitat (bats live everywhere except Antarctica!), species (there are over 1,200 kinds of bats), echolocation, hibernation (bats hibernate just like bears!), conservation (don't disturb a sleeping bat!) and much more. Although silly and off-the-wall, The Bat contains factual information that will both amuse and teach at the same time.
The Bat (Disgusting Critters)
by Elise GravelHilarious illustrated nonfiction about bats perfect for beginning readers. Conversational text and silly illustrations will have you up all night reading about the only flying mammal on Earth!Fast bat facts:Distinctive trait: The only flying mammalDiet: Insects, fruit and even animal bloodSpecial talent: Sleeping upside downThe Bat covers habitat (bats live everywhere except Antarctica!), species (there are over 1,200 kinds of bats), echolocation, hibernation (bats hibernate just like bears!), conservation (don't disturb a sleeping bat!) and much more. Although silly and off-the-wall, The Bat contains factual information that will both amuse and teach at the same time.
Bat Bomb: World War II's Other Secret Weapon
by Jack Couffer&“Inside information on a wondrously droll, highly classified yarn from WWII . . . A well-told, stranger-than-fiction tale that could make a terrific movie.&” —Kirkus Reviews The plan: attach small incendiary bombs to millions of bats and release them over Japan&’s major cities. As the bats went to roost, a million fires would flare up in remote crannies of the wood and paper buildings common throughout Japan. When their cities were reduced to ashes, the Japanese would surely capitulate . . . Told here by the youngest member of the team, this is the story of the bat bomb project, or Project X-Ray, as it was officially known. In scenes worthy of a Capra or Hawks comedy, Jack Couffer recounts the unorthodox experiments carried out in the secrecy of Bandera, Texas, Carlsbad, New Mexico, and El Centro, California, in 1942-1943 by &“Doc&” Adams&’ private army. This oddball cast of characters included an eccentric inventor, a distinguished Harvard scientist, a biologist with a chip on his shoulder, a movie star, a Texas guano collector, a crusty Marine Corps colonel, a Maine lobster fisherman, an ex-mobster, and a tiger. The bat bomb researchers risked life and limb to explore uncharted bat caves and &“recruit&” thousands of bats to serve their country, certain that they could end the war with Japan. And they might have—in their first airborne test, the bat bombers burned an entire brand-new military airfield to the ground. For everyone who relishes true tales of action and adventure, Bat Bomb is a must-read. Bat enthusiasts will also discover the beginnings of the scientific study of bats.
Bat Pat 14. La casa embrujada
by Roberto PavanelloY para ahuyentar el calorcito del verano, ¿qué mejor que una dosis refrescante de misterio y aventuras? Hacedme caso: estéis donde estéis, ¡no os perdáis las últimas hazañas de los hermanos Silver y de un servidor, ¡el detective más miedica del mundo!
Bat Pat 16. El superrobot hambriento
by Roberto PavanelloYo a todos ellos les he pedido lo mismo: MÁS AVENTURAS ESCALOFRIANTES. Y, ¿sabéis lo mejor? ¡Me las han traído! Así que ahora que se han acabado las Fiestas, dejad los polvorones y el turrón y EMPEZAD A LEER.
BatDad: A Parody
by Blake WilsonLife as an everyday superhero when your Batmobile is a minivan, the villains you face are your crazy kids, and your Bat Cave is always covered in piles of dirty laundry.
The Bathroom Companion
by James BuckleyIt's the most used room in the house--but how much do you know about it? Here's the first book about the bathroom written exclusively for the bathroom! Set it on the back of the tank and learn something new on every visit--amazing facts and figures from history, science, pop-culture, and more. Don't let you time in the bathroom be a waste!
The Bathwater Gang (Springboard books)
by Jerry SpinelliBertie's all-girl gang becomes involved in a harmless but heartfelt war with an all-boy gang, until Bertie's grandmother steps in with a perfect solution.
Batneezer: The Creature from My Closet (The Creature from My Closet)
by Obert SkyeFor the first time, Rob Burnside knows when his closet is about to open--but he's not prepared for what emerges. A mash-up of Ebenezer Scrooge and Lego Batman, this new visitor's unusual antics are only one of Rob's problems. While enduring visits by the ghosts of books past, present, and future, Rob learns some shocking news: A battle is brewing, and his school needs a hero. What he gets is so much more (Spoiler alert: All the creatures from past books come visit!)Obert Skye doesn't let his fans down in the hilarious final installment in the Creature from My Closet series. A Christy Ottaviano Book
Batpig: Too Pig to Fail (A Batpig Book #2)
by Rob HarrellIn this hilarious, hijinks-filled graphic novel super-swine Batpig is ready to face even bigger bullies, harder fights, and scariest of all—meeting his superhero idol.Ordinary pig, Gary Yorkshire, has his entire life turned upside down when a bite on the nose from a radioactive bat turns him into . . . BATPIG. With the support of his best friends, Brooklyn the bat and Carl the fish, he finally feels like he&’s getting a handle on this whole superhero business. That is, until he faces a battle against time itself, when an underappreciated janitor slows down the clock so much that a math class never ever ends (the horror!). Can Batpig save the class from never-ending fractions?
Batpig: When Pigs Fly (A Batpig Book #1)
by Rob HarrellIntroducing a supremely hilarious graphic novel featuring an unstoppable, super-swine hero who boldly fights for justice . . . in between taking mud baths and eating tasty sandwiches.Gary Yorkshire was your perfectly average, fuzzy pink pig who loved tasty sandwiches, video games, mud baths, and hanging out with his friends Carl the fish and Brooklyn the bat. Until one day . . . a radioactive bat bite gives him powers he never would have dreamed of! Inspired by his old Crimson Swine comics, Gary decides that he'll use his powers for good and becomes (drumroll) Batpig! Now he just needs a good zinger of a Batpig slogan, a spandex costume that flatters his rear end . . . and maybe a little advice about how in the world to defeat supervillains?
Bats at the Library
by Brian LiesAnother inky evening’s here— The air is cool and calm and clear. Can it be true? Oh, can it be? Yes!—Bat Night at the library! Join the free-for-all fun at the public library with these book-loving bats! Shape shadows on walls, frolic in the water fountain, and roam the book-filled halls until it’s time for everyone, young and old, to settle down into the enchantment of story time. Brian Lies’ joyful critters and their nocturnal celebration cast library visits in a new light. Even the youngest of readers will want to join the batty book-fest!
Bats at the Library
by Brian LiesHoughton Mifflin Company Another inky evening's here- The air is cool and calm and clear.Can it be true? Oh, can it be?Yes!-Bat Night at the library!Join the free-for-all fun at the public library with these book-loving bats! Shape shadows on walls, frolic in the water fountain, and roam the book-filled halls until it's time for everyone, young and old, to settle down into the enchantment of story time. Brian Lies' joyful critters and their nocturnal celebration cast library visits in a new light. Even the youngest of readers will want to join the batty book-fest!