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The Soulmate Equation
by Christina LaurenINSTANT NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER &“Writing duo and reigning romance queens Christina Lauren are back with The Soulmate Equation, their most ambitious book to date.&” —PopSugar &“A sexy, science-filled, and surprising romance full of warmth and wit.&” —Kirkus Reviews (starred review) Chosen as a best pick by Bustle, Marie Claire, Entertainment Weekly, E! Online, PopSugar, BuzzFeed, Goodreads, Country Living, The Pioneer Woman, Woman&’s World, Bookish, Bookreporter, Frolic, and more! The New York Times bestselling author of The Unhoneymooners returns with a witty and effervescent novel about what happens when two people with everything on the line are thrown together by science—or is it fate? Perfect for fans of The Rosie Project and One Plus One.Single mom Jess Davis is a data and statistics wizard, but no amount of number crunching can convince her to step back into the dating world. After all, her father was never around, her hard-partying mother disappeared when she was six, and her ex decided he wasn&’t &“father material&” before her daughter was even born. Jess holds her loved ones close but working constantly to stay afloat is hard...and lonely. But then Jess hears about GeneticAlly, a buzzy new DNA-based matchmaking company that&’s predicted to change dating forever. Finding a soulmate through DNA? The reliability of numbers: This Jess understands. At least she thought she did, until her test shows an unheard-of 98 percent compatibility with another subject in the database: GeneticAlly&’s founder, Dr. River Peña. This is one number she can&’t wrap her head around, because she already knows Dr. Peña. The stuck-up, stubborn man is without a doubt not her soulmate. But GeneticAlly has a proposition: Get &‘to know him and we&’ll pay you. Jess—who is barely making ends meet—is in no position to turn it down, despite her skepticism about the project and her dislike for River. As the pair are dragged from one event to the next as the &“Diamond&” pairing that could launch GeneticAlly&’s valuation sky-high, Jess begins to realize that there might be more to the scientist—and the science behind a soulmate—than she thought. &“Laugh-out-loud, sweet, charming, and humorous&” (Library Journal, starred review), The Soulmate Equation proves that the delicate balance between fate and choice can never be calculated.
The Sound of Murder (An Ivy Meadows Mystery #2)
by Cindy BrownThe hills are alive—but the victim is dead—in this hilarious mystery: “Such fun” (Rhys Bowen, New York Times–bestselling author of Malice at the Palace). All Ivy Meadows wants is to be an actor. And a private investigator. Plus she’d really like a pair of clean underwear, a place to stay since her apartment caught fire, and to overcome her fear of singing in public. Minor inconveniences aside, Ivy might be on a roll. She’s just landed her first real PI case, a seeming suicide in a retirement community. Not only that, but a big New York producer is coming to Arizona to see Ivy in the world premiere of The Sound of Cabaret (singing nuns and Berlin burlesque, all rolled into one). But all is not raindrops on roses. A creep in a convertible is tailing Ivy, a local posse member is way too interested in her investigation, and something is seriously wrong with one of her castmates. And that suicide—could it be murder? As the curtain rises, Ivy finds herself smack in the sights of a serial killer. “The setting is irresistible, the mystery is twisty, and Ivy is as beguiling as ever, but what I really loved was the depth and complexity of painful human relationships right there in the middle of a sparkly caper.” —Catriona McPherson, Anthony, Agatha and Macavity Award–winning author of The Day She Died “The author blends theater lore with a deeper psychological layer, and always on stage is her delightful sense of humor. The concept of a mash-up of The Sound of Music and Cabaret is as brilliant as it is ripe for absurdity, and readers will thoroughly enjoy this extremely fun mystery that entertains until the final curtain call.” —Kings River Life Magazine “A definite delight . . . Have a whole lot of fun figuring out whodunit.” —Suspense Magazine
The Sound of Murder (An Ivy Meadows Mystery #2)
by Cindy BrownThe hills are alive—but the victim is dead—in this hilarious mystery: “Such fun” (Rhys Bowen, New York Times–bestselling author of Malice at the Palace). All Ivy Meadows wants is to be an actor. And a private investigator. Plus she’d really like a pair of clean underwear, a place to stay since her apartment caught fire, and to overcome her fear of singing in public. Minor inconveniences aside, Ivy might be on a roll. She’s just landed her first real PI case, a seeming suicide in a retirement community. Not only that, but a big New York producer is coming to Arizona to see Ivy in the world premiere of The Sound of Cabaret (singing nuns and Berlin burlesque, all rolled into one). But all is not raindrops on roses. A creep in a convertible is tailing Ivy, a local posse member is way too interested in her investigation, and something is seriously wrong with one of her castmates. And that suicide—could it be murder? As the curtain rises, Ivy finds herself smack in the sights of a serial killer. “The setting is irresistible, the mystery is twisty, and Ivy is as beguiling as ever, but what I really loved was the depth and complexity of painful human relationships right there in the middle of a sparkly caper.” —Catriona McPherson, Anthony, Agatha and Macavity Award–winning author of The Day She Died “The author blends theater lore with a deeper psychological layer, and always on stage is her delightful sense of humor. The concept of a mash-up of The Sound of Music and Cabaret is as brilliant as it is ripe for absurdity, and readers will thoroughly enjoy this extremely fun mystery that entertains until the final curtain call.” —Kings River Life Magazine “A definite delight . . . Have a whole lot of fun figuring out whodunit.” —Suspense Magazine
The Sound of One Hand Killing
by Teresa Solana Peter BushThe director of an exclusive New Age meditation centre in a fancy Barcelona neighborhood is murdered, a case for twin detectives Borja and Eduard. The murder of a CIA agent simultaneously drags them into an international conspiracy that transports them to China and back. This hilarious mystery novel is a remorseless satire of those practicing pseudo-science and pseudo-spirituality.
The Sound of One Team Sucking: Mindful Meditations for Recovering Leafs Fans
by Christopher Gudgeon Tavish Gudgeon Joey Mauro Yusuf SaadiA hilarious self-help book for recovering Leafs fans everywhere. We’ve all heard it. The sound of one team sucking. Our team. The Leafs. It starts as an almost imperceptible hum, a month or so after the home opener, once the shine of the new season wears off, building in intensity with each defeat until the sound explodes like the noise a star might make if you ripped its heart out. Fact is, being a Maple Leafs fan is a kind of addiction: irrational, compulsive, dependent. You can’t just quit cold turkey. You need help … And that’s where The Sound of One Team Sucking comes in. Think of it as your own portable support group, designed to accompany you through another disappointing season (plus draft day!), and guide your recovery as you strive to live a more emotionally and spiritually balanced life. Written by Leafs addicts, The Sound of One Team Sucking is a hilarious meditation on the futility of Leafs fandom.
Soup 1776
by Robert Newton PeckRob is caught up in his friend Soup's plan to help their town of Learning, Vermont, celebrate the Fourth of July with a suitable pageant that sets the record straight about several of the town's citizens.
Soup's Hoop
by Robert Newton PeckSwish! Soup and Rob have basketball fever. The entire town of Learning, Vermont, is psyched up for the big game against their arch-rival, Pratt Falls. But there's trouble. The Learning Groundhogs' star center, Shorty Smith, has sprained his ankle.
Soupy Saturdays with the Pain and the Great One (Pain and the Great One Series)
by Judy Blume James StevensonMEET THE PAIN:My sister's name is Abigail. I call her The Great One because she thinks she's so great. Who cares if she's in third grade and I'm just in first?MEET THE GREAT ONE:My brother's name is Jacob Edward, but everyone calls him Jake. Everyone but me. I call him The Pain because that's what he is. He's a first-grade pain. I'll always know exactly what he's thinking. That's just the way it is.These seven warm-hearted stories will give readers a peek at how a brother and sister relate to each other.From the Hardcover edition.
Sour Apple
by Linda LiuPICK THIS BOOK!(We promise it's sweet.)From the creator of Hidden Gem comes a funny and delightful new picture book about an apple who learns the importance of self-acceptance and patience after being left behind during picking season.Ever been picked last? Well, this sour apple knows a thing or two about what it feels like to be forgotten. When apple season passes and he’s left on the cold, hard ground, he questions his place in the world.As his introspection branches out into different ideas of what could have been if he was chosen, he learns some core truths about what it means to be alive.
The Sour Grape (The Food Group)
by Jory JohnDon’t miss the sixth picture book in the #1 New York Times bestselling Food Group series that’s ripe with humor from Jory John and Pete Oswald! <p><p>The Sour Grape holds grudges for every reason under the sun. Lime never returned a scarf they borrowed? Grudge! Orange never called back? Grudge! But when a friend holds a grudge against the Sour Grape without listening to an explanation, the Sour Grape realizes how unfair grudges can be. Could a bunch of forgiveness and compassion be enough to turn a sour grape sweet? <p><p>Jory John and Pete Oswald serve up another heaping plate of laughs and lessons with this empowering, witty, and charming addition to their #1 New York Times bestselling series! <P><P><i>Advisory: Bookshare has learned that this book offers only partial accessibility. We have kept it in the collection because it is useful for some of our members. Benetech is actively working on projects to improve accessibility issues such as these.</i> <p> <b>New York Times Bestseller</b>
The Sour Grape (The Food Group Series #6)
by Jory JohnThe Sour Grape holds grudges for every reason under the sun. Lime never returned a scarf they borrowed Grudge! Orange never called back Grudge! But when a friend holds a grudge against the Sour Grape without listening to an explanation, the Sour Grape realizes how unfair grudges can be. Could a bunch of forgiveness and compassion be enough to turn a sour grape sweet.
Sourcery: A Discworld Novel (Wizards #3)
by Terry Pratchett“Delightful. . . logically illogical as only Terry Pratchett can write.”—Anne McCaffreyWill the most unlikely hero in all of Discworld save the universe once again . . . or has his luck finally run out in this wildly funny installment in Sir Terry Pratchett’s internationally bestselling series, a hilarious mix of magic, mayhem, and Luggage.Once upon a time, there was an eighth son of an eighth son who was, of course, a wizard. As if that wasn’t complicated enough, said wizard then had seven sons. And then he had an eighth son—a wizard squared (that’s all the math, really)—who, of course, was a source of magic, a sourcerer.Unseen University, the most magical establishment on the Discworld, has finally got its wish: the emergence of a wizard more powerful than they’ve ever seen. But be careful what you wish for . . .As the drastic consequences of sourcery begin to unfold, it’s up to one unlikely wizard to save them. Rincewind has survived a string of misadventures, including falling off the edge of the world—which is no mean feat when it’s flying through space on the back of a turtle and held up by four elephants. Now, he must take the University’s most precious artifact, the very embodiment of magic itself, and deliver it halfway across the Disc to prevent a mathematically blessed sourcerer from leading the wizards to dominate all of Discworld.Can Rincewind and his tiny band, including the carnivorous Luggage, stave off the Apocalypse?The Discworld novels can be read in any order, but Sourcery is the 3rd installment in the Wizards series and the 5th Discworld book. The other books in the Wizards collection include:The Color of MagicThe Light FantasticEricInteresting TimesThe Last ContinentUnseen Academicals
The South American's Wife (Latin Lovers)
by Kay ThorpeIs she really the Latin lover's wife?Waking up in a Rio hospital bed, Karen has noidea how she got there. And when Luiz Andradeintroduces himself as her husband, Karen isshocked and bewildered.Though Luiz claims she betrayed him, theyrediscover their intense mutual passion andKaren is convinced she could never have beenan unfaithful wife. So what is the secret thatLuiz isn't telling her?
South By Southeast
by Anthony HorowitzIt looks like Tim, the world's worst private detective, and Nick, his brainy kid brother, are in trouble again. They're dead broke. But money is the least of their worries when a mysterious man bursts into their office and offers Tim a wad of cash for his coat. Minutes later, the stranger is dead and Nick and Tim are left to puzzle over his final words. What could he have meant by "suff bee suff-iss"? Or was it "south by southeast"? Neither one seems to make much sense, but the Diamond brothers will have to figure it out, and fast! Whoever killed the stranger is now after Nick and Tim!
South Dakota’s Cowboy Governor Tom Berry: Leadership During the Depression
by Paul S. HigbeeAs South Dakotans endured the Great Depression and developing Dust Bowl in 1932, they elected a cowboy as their governor. Tom Berry rode in the great, iconic 1902 cattle roundup ordered by President Theodore Roosevelt. He established the successful Double X ranch next to the Badlands. Big voiced and tireless, Berry commanded the attention of all, including President Franklin Roosevelt, who broke protocol and called him "Tom" or "Cowboy" in White House meetings. Berry faced bitter political rivalries and weather that threatened to blow South Dakotans off their land, but he is remembered for his humorous wit throughout. Author Paul S. Higbee traces the history of South Dakota and its iconic governor.
South Pole Station: A Novel
by Ashley ShelbyDO YOU HAVE DIGESTION PROBLEMS DUE TO STRESS? DO YOU HAVE PROBLEMS WITH AUTHORITY? HOW MANY ALCOHOLIC DRINKS DO YOU CONSUME A WEEK? WOULD YOU RATHER BE A FLORIST OR A TRUCK DRIVER?These are some of the questions that determine if you have what it takes to survive at South Pole Station, a place with an average temperature of -54°F and no sunlight for six months a year. Cooper Gosling has just answered five hundred of them. Her results indicate she is abnormal enough for Polar life.Cooper’s not sure if this is an achievement, but she knows she has nothing to lose. Unmoored by a recent family tragedy, she’s adrift at thirty and—despite her early promise as a painter—on the verge of sinking her career. So she accepts her place in the National Science Foundation’s Artists & Writers Program and flees to Antarctica, where she encounters a group of misfits motivated by desires as ambiguous as her own. The only thing the Polies have in common is the conviction that they don’t belong anywhere else. Then a fringe scientist arrives, claiming climate change is a hoax. His presence will rattle this already-imbalanced community, bringing Cooper and the Polies to the center of a global controversy and threatening the ancient ice chip they call home.A warmhearted comedy of errors set in the world’s harshest place, Ashley Shelby's South Pole Station is a wry and witty debut novel about the courage it takes to band together when everything around you falls apart.
South Toward Home: Adventures and Misadventures in My Native Land
by Julia ReedIn considering the pleasures and absurdities of her native culture, Julia Reed quotes another Southern writer, Willie Morris, who said, “It’s the juxtapositions that get you down here.” These juxtapositions are, for Julia, the soul of the South, and in her warmhearted and funny new book, South Toward Home, she chronicles her adventures through the highs and the lows of Southern life—taking us everywhere from dive bars and the Delta Hot Tamale Festival to an impromptu shindig on a Mississippi River sandbar and a coveted seat on a Mardi Gras float. She writes about the region’s music and food, its pesky critters and prodigious drinking habits, its inhabitants’ penchant for making their own fun—and, crucially, their gift for laughing at themselves.With her distinctive voice and knowing eye, Julia also provides her take on the South’s more embarrassing characteristics from the politics of lust and the persistence of dry counties to the “seemingly bottomless propensity for committing a whole lot of craziness in the name of the Lord.” No matter what, she writes, “My fellow Southerners have brought me the greatest joy—on the page, over the airwaves, around the dinner table, at the bar or, hell, in the checkout line.” South Toward Home, with a foreword by Jon Meacham, is Julia Reed’s valentine to the place she knows and loves best.
South Wind
by Norman DouglasIn this witty novel of ideas, an intellectual and sensual adventure of the rarest kind unfolds amid a picturesque Mediterranean island. Generations of readers have delighted in the tale of an English clergyman's visit to a "rambling and craggy sort of place," where whitewashed houses perch on sheer rock cliffs above a gleaming sea. But underneath its tranquil surface, the island seethes with volcanic activity. And behind the aristocratic discourse on life and love lies a tangle of nefarious activities, from art forgery to murder. A memorable cast of characters includes the genteel visiting bishop as well as an elderly diplomat, a devilish magistrate, a malevolent barkeeper, and a host of other expatriates, freethinkers, eccentrics, zealots, and ne'er-do-wells. Their interactions generate a volatile mixture of notions that prove as unsettling as the sirocco, the hot, damp wind from the south. Combining elegant prose with glittering epigrams, mordant satire, and memorable characterization, this story offers thought-provoking entertainment.
Southern as a Second Language: A Novel (Dixie Series)
by Lisa PattonNot only do Southerners talk slowly, but sometimes the whole language is hard to understand. No one realizes that more than Memphis belle Leelee Satterfield. Since she debuted in Whistlin' Dixie in a Nor'easter, Leelee has entertained tens of thousands of readers. Watching her tackle life and love in Vermont was only the tip of the iceberg when it came to antics, charades, mischief, and romance. Now that she's back in Memphis, and starting a new relationship with Peter, the Yankee chef from her New England inn, you'd think she'd sit back and enjoy her newly crafted life back home in Dixie. But that just wouldn't be as much fun.Opening up a new restaurant with Peter isn't as easy as she had anticipated, especially when it comes to the differences between the North and the South. When Leelee's ex-husband, Baker, returns unexpectedly, everything else goes haywire. Throw her three crazy best friends into the mix; Riley, her meddlesome next-door neighbor who sells Pampered Chef for a living; and Kissie, Leelee's beloved second mother who claims Riley sits on her "last raw nerve," and you have the perfect recipe for a sassy, Southern delicacy.Lisa Patton's Southern as a Second Language is an endearing and chuckle-inducing tale that keeps us guessing up to the very last page how it all works out in the end. Whether among maple trees in Vermont or magnolia-filled Memphis, Leelee's charm, heart, and laughter will delight readers in any climate.
Southern Discomfort: A Southern B&B Mystery (Southern B&B Mystery #1)
by Caroline FardigSouthern hospitality meets deadly deception in the start of a charming new mystery series from the USA Today bestselling author of the Java Jive novels. Quinn Bellandini loves her life in Savannah, Georgia, where she runs her grandfather’s B&B with her sister, Delilah. From baking fresh scones and serving up grits every morning to ensuring the guests see the best of their historic city, Quinn can’t imagine doing anything else—even if it means dealing with nuisances like the occasional malfunctioning commode. But when Quinn drops by the local restaurant owned by her friend Drew Green, and stumbles upon a murder, her whole world comes crashing down. Drew’s brother was always a little surly, but Quinn can’t imagine that someone disliked the prickly chef enough to kill him. The police, on the other hand, don’t believe that Quinn was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Before her guests can even digest the next morning’s gourmet breakfast, Quinn learns that she and Drew are suspects. Drew thinks they should do some investigating of their own. Quinn is pretty sure she’s better suited to playing hostess than amateur sleuth. But with Delilah as her cynical sidekick, Quinn starts looking for the real killer—before she gets put away faster than you can say “sugar.” Don’t miss Caroline Fardig’s thrilling Java Jive mysteries, which can be read together or separately: DEATH BEFORE DECAF | MUG SHOT | A WHOLE LATTE MURDER | BREW OR DIE | MURDER OVER MOCHAS “I was hooked from the first page. I loved it!”—Dorothy Cannell, award-winning author of the Ellie Haskell mysteries, on Death Before Decaf “This series is delightful, well written, and wildly entertaining.”—Suspense Magazine
Southern Double Cross: A Southern B&B Mystery (Southern B&B Mystery #3)
by Caroline FardigA fundraising party goes south in a delightful cozy mystery from the USA Today bestselling author of Southern Discomfort and the Java Jive novels Quinn Bellandini is ready to get back to running her grandfather&’s B&B in Savannah, Georgia, with her sister, Delilah—but first, she has to coordinate a fundraising event at the house of local philanthropists, with the help of her boyfriend, Tucker Heyward. Everything is running smoothly until Quinn&’s friend, Pepper Fox, frantically calls her with the horrifying news that the lady of the house was found dead. Pepper&’s brother, who was working as a caterer, is soon charged with her murder. Pepper knows her brother didn&’t commit the crime and asks Quinn, now a veteran detective with two solved murders under her belt, to prove his innocence. Quinn can&’t bear to see her friend upset and enlists Delilah and Tucker to help investigate. The invite list quickly turns into the suspect list as tensions mount and old feuds are brought to light. Could Quinn have hired the only catering company in Georgia that throws in a murder on the side? Don&’t miss Caroline Fardig&’s &“wildly entertaining&”* Java Jive mysteries, which can be read together or separately: DEATH BEFORE DECAF | MUG SHOT | A WHOLE LATTE MURDER | BREW OR DIE | MURDER OVER MOCHAS *Suspense Magazine
Southern Fried (The Kenni Lowry Mysteries #2)
by Tonya Kappes“Fabulous fun and fantastic fried food! Kappes nails small town mystery with another must-read hit” (Darynda Jones, New York Times–bestselling author). In the South, it’s better when the food is fried and the secrets kept buried . . . After the dead body of a beloved Cottonwood resident is found tangled up in an electric fence, Sheriff Kenni Lowry has a hunch that somethin’ ain’t right. Her investigation heats up with a fierce cook-off competition, a euchre game where the intel is sweeter than the brownies, and a decades old family recipe that may just be the proof in the pudding. The icing on the cake: Kenni is fighting an attraction to her recently sworn-in deputy sheriff, and election season is hot on her tail. When the killer comes after who she holds most dear, even her poppa’s ghostly guidance might not be enough to keep her and her own out of the frying pan. “Another entertaining story that fans will enjoy. . . . The mystery is engaging and exploring the idea heirlooms come in variety of packages made me think about my own grandmother’s recipe book.” —Kings River Life Magazine “This was a great story and this wonderful cozy mystery is filled with Southern charm, manners and absolutely addicting Southern sayings.” —A Cup of Tea and a Cozy Mystery “Murder, the supernatural and humor are the norm in a Tonya Kappes novel. There are plenty of suspects to keep me guessing, with some romance on the side and a lovable hound dog.” —Fundinmental
Southern Fried Sass: A Queen's Guide to Cooking, Decorating, and Living Just a Little "Extra"
by Ginger MinjRuPaul&’s Drag Race superstar Ginger Minj shares her favorite recipes, best advice, and wildest stories in this hilarious book that&’s part memoir, part cookbook. Perfect for fans of Trixie and Katya&’s Guide to Modern Womanhood.Drag icon Ginger Minj brings her signature humor and sass to this tongue-in-cheek memoir-cum-life manual-cum-cookbook. Featuring Ginger&’s favorite Southern-inspired recipes, Southern Fried Sass showcases some of her most vulnerable and celebratory moments, revealing the most valuable lessons she&’s learned after years in drag and the pearls of wisdom she&’s gleaned from her grandmother&’s personal brand of Southern resilience. You&’ll cheer for Ginger as she spills the tea with exclusive behind-the-scenes details from three seasons of RuPaul&’s Drag Race and offers her best advice on everything from contouring to cooking and setting the table for a full-on Southern-style Thanksgiving dinner. Did we say dinner? Here, you&’ll find more than fifty recipes, including The Minx&’s Sick&’ning Scalloped Pineapple Paradise, Red Barn BBQ Ribs platter, Better Than Sex cake, and countless other decadent desserts. From fighting for what you&’re worth to looking good on a motorcycle as a big girl to finding love while also making damn good cupcakes, this is the perfect gift for anyone who wants to live their best life.
Southern Harm: A Southern B&B Mystery (Southern B&B Mystery #2)
by Caroline FardigA little Southern charm never killed anybody—until now—in an enchanting cozy mystery from the USA Today bestselling author of Southern Discomfort and the Java Jive novels. After solving a murder at a local restaurant, Quinn Bellandini just wants to get back to her comfortable life running her grandfather&’s B&B in Savannah, Georgia, with her sister, Delilah. But those plans get buried when Quinn and her new boyfriend, Tucker Heyward, dig up an old skeleton while doing some landscaping in his aunt Lela&’s backyard. Before long, Lela becomes the prime suspect in the thirty-three-year-old unsolved murder of a high school homecoming queen. Tucker is devastated. But Quinn&’s conscience won&’t let her risk an elderly woman spending her twilight years in jail for a crime she didn&’t commit. And Delilah, bored by the quiet B&B biz, has been itching to do some more investigating of her own. Soon they&’re questioning a growing list of suspects, from nosy neighbors and snooty Savannah socialites to mild-mannered teachers and old high-school friends of the victim—including Quinn and Delilah&’s own parents. But no one is safe from a killer who&’s totally old school. Don&’t miss Caroline Fardig&’s &“wildly entertaining&”* Java Jive mysteries, which can be read together or separately: DEATH BEFORE DECAF | MUG SHOT | A WHOLE LATTE MURDER | BREW OR DIE | MURDER OVER MOCHAS *Suspense Magazine
Southern Lady Code: Essays
by Helen Ellis"I loved it." —Ann Patchett The bestselling author of American Housewife ("Dark, deadpan and truly inventive." --The New York Times Book Review) is back with a fiercely funny collection of essays on marriage and manners, thank-you notes and three-ways, ghosts, gunshots, gynecology, and the Calgon-scented, onion-dipped, monogrammed art of living as a Southern Lady.Helen Ellis has a mantra: "If you don't have something nice to say, say something not-so-nice in a nice way." Say "weathered" instead of "she looks like a cake left out in the rain." Say "early-developed" instead of "brace face and B cups." And for the love of Coke Salad, always say "Sorry you saw something that offended you" instead of "Get that stick out of your butt, Miss Prissy Pants." In these twenty-three raucous essays Ellis transforms herself into a dominatrix Donna Reed to save her marriage, inadvertently steals a $795 Burberry trench coat, witnesses a man fake his own death at a party, avoids a neck lift, and finds a black-tie gown that gives her the confidence of a drag queen. While she may have left her home in Alabama, married a New Yorker, forgotten how to drive, and abandoned the puffy headbands of her youth, Helen Ellis is clinging to her Southern accent like mayonnaise to white bread, and offering readers a hilarious, completely singular view on womanhood for both sides of the Mason-Dixon.