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Dave Barry is from Mars and Venus
by Dave BarryDave Barry reveals the shocking secrets of his biplanetary identity in a transparent attempt to get on some afternoon talk shows and sell a few extra copies of this latest collection of his funniest syndicated columns. Maybe you read a really funny Dave Barry column and really, really meant to save it, but we all know how that goes: out with the rest of the recyclables. Or maybe you didn't get around to reading the newspaper one day and wondered if you missed the most hilarious Dave Barry column of all time. Well, that's why some smart marketing person invented "best of" collections, and that's why you need Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus. It's got Dave's coverage of the Olympics, featuring an account of his participation with the U. S. synchronized swim team: "Picture a bunch of elegant swans swimming with a flailing sea cow". Also on hand are Dave's unfortunate appearance on Wheel of Fortune, his (non)lunch with Hillary Rodham Clinton, what happened when he shot a Gymnast Barbie doll out of a potato gun, the last word on turkey rectums, and much, much more from a guy who knows where he's coming from. Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist and the best-selling author of Dave Barry in Cyberspace (Crown, 1996), Dave Barry's Guide to Guys, Dave Barry Turns 40 (Crown, 1990), and other books. He lives in Miami, Florida. First, a few words about the title. It isn't easy, coming up with book titles. A lot of the really good ones are taken. Thin Thighs in 30 Days, for example. Also The Bible. Another restriction was that the publisher wanted a title with my name in it. Over the years, most of my book titles have had my name in them (Dave Barry Turns 40, Dave Barry Turns 41, Dave Barry Develops a Nasal Polyp, etc. ) I realize this sounds egotistical, but it's not my idea. I'd be a lot happier if the book titles had a name with more appeal to the mass public, like Stephen King, or The Beatles. If it weren't for the potential legal hassles, this book would be called something like Develop Washboard Abs in One Hour with John Grisham and Madonna (As Seen on Oprah). Anyway, the first title actually considered for this book was Another Damn Dave Barry Book. I liked that one, because it was punchy, yet at the same time it said absolutely nothing. But then Crown changed its mind and decided against this title, presumably on the grounds that the word damn would offend some people, who would therefore not buy the book. Of course you could argue that this was a good reason to use the title, because people who'd be offended by the word damn would probably suffer cerebral hemorrhages if they read the book's actual contents.
Dave Barry's Bad Habits: A 100% Fact-free Book
by Dave BarryIf you're not already acquainted--nay, infatuated--with the works of the man who the New York Times calls "the funniest man in America," you can get cracking right now with this all-time favorite collection of Dave Barry's humor columns. Dave Barry's Bad Habits won't rot your teeth, cause your insurance premiums to go up, or make your kids go cross-eyed if they sit too close to it. It will, however, make you laugh so hard your middle actually moves (the best exercise, and possibly the only kind you'll be interested in after forty). Here, preserved for all time, are Barry's profoundest musings on such topics as how to get kids to stop smoking (eliminate tenth grade), what to do if your car is making loud noises (turn up the radio), and a solution to the battle of the sexes (let the men do housework, say, for the next six thousand years to even things up). Together they serve to expose the little insanities of everyday life and assure us that we're not completely alone in a world gone mad.
Dave Barry's Book of Bad Songs
by Dave BarryBased on the results from Dave Barry's monumental survey, Dave Barry's Book of Bad Songs is a compilation of some of the worst songs ever written, including such special categories as Teen Death Songs, Songs That People Always Get Wrong.
Dave Barry's Book of Bad Songs
by Dave BarryThe humorist asked his readers to share their least favorite tunes and chronicles the hilarious responses.When funnyman Dave Barry asked readers about their least favorite tunes, he thought he was penning just another installment of his weekly syndicated humor column. But the witty writer was flabbergasted by the response when over 10,000 readers voted. “I have never written a column that got a bigger response than the one announcing the Bad Song Survey,” Barry wrote.Based on the results of the survey, Dave Barry’s Book of Bad Songs is a compilation of some of the worst songs ever written. Dave Barry fans will relish his quirky take. Music buffs too will appreciate this humorous stroll through the world’s worst lyrics. The only thing wrong with this book is that readers will find themselves unable to stop mentally singing the greatest hits of Gary Puckett.Praise for Dave Barry’s Book of Bad Songs“Barry is his usual puckish self, but the real surprise here is how funny many of the survey respondents are.” —Kirkus Reviews“Who can resist such a book?” —Publishers Weekly
Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys
by Dave Barry"Dave Barry is one funny human."--San Francisco ExaminerFor thousands of years, women have asked themselves: What is the deal with guys, anyway? What are they thinking? The answer, of course, is: virtually nothing. Deep down inside, guys are extremely shallow.But that has not stopped Dave Barry from writing an entire book about them. If you're a guy--or if you're attempting to share a remote control with one--you need this book, because it deals frankly and semi-thoroughly with such important guy issues as: Scratching The role of guys in world history, including the heretofore-unknown relationship between the discovery of North America and golf Why the average guy can remember who won the 1960 World Series, but not necessarily the names of all his children The Noogie Gene Why guys cannot simultaneously think and look at breasts Secret guy orgasm-delaying techniques, including the Margaret Thatcher Method Why guys prefer to believe that there is no such thing as a prostate And much, much more"Whether you're a guy--or attempting to share a bathroom with one--Barry has some wacky words of wisdom for you."--USA TodayFrom the Trade Paperback edition.
Dave Barry's Greatest Hits
by Dave BarryWHEN DAVE BARRY IS ON THE LOOSE, NO ONE IS SAFE!What Dave Barry did for the men's movement in his Complete Guide to Guys and for foreign relations when he did Japan he now does for . . . everything in America. The rapacious observer of Tupperware ladies and leisure concept salesmen sounds off on:Football--Football is more than just a game. It is a potential opportunity to see a live person lying on the ground with a bone sticking out of his leg, while the fans, to show their appreciation, perform "the wave."Sailing--There's nothing quite like getting out on the open sea, where you can forget about the hassles and worries of life on land, and concentrate on the hassles and worries of life on the sea, such as death by squid.Gambling--Off-Track Betting parlors are the kinds of places where you never see signs that say, "Thank You for Not Smoking." The best you can hope for is, "Thank You for Not Spitting Pieces of Your Cigar on My Neck.""The good news: he's funny as ever. The bad news: the book is only 304 pages."--Los Angeles Daily NewsFrom the Paperback edition.
Dave Barry's Guide to Life
by Dave BarryContaining four of Dave Barry's works: Dave Barry's Guide To Marriage and/or Sex, Babies and Other Hazards of Sex, Stay Fit and Healthy Until You're Dead, Claw Your Way To The Top. Humorous and light hearted. People are able to identify with it as the majority of the book is Barry saying what everyone else is thinking - however others are too polite to say anything whereas he just says it! .
Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far)
by Dave BarryA brilliantly funny look at the tumultuous recent past from the Pulitzer Prize?winning humorist. Remember when everything was going to go to hell when Y2K struck? That didn?t happen. Right? But what did happen? To provide a little perspective on a really messed-up millennium (so far), the one and only Dave Barry slips into his historian?s robe (it?s plush terrycloth) and revisits the defining moments in our country?s recent history?from the Bush years to?jeez, it?s still the Bush years! As an added bonus, Barry quickly?we?re busy here?tosses in the complete history of the last millennium, covering crucial turning points such as the invention of the pizza by Leonardo da Vinci and the computer by Charles Babbage (who died in 1871 still waiting to talk to tech support). Fellow Americans, the time has come to bone up with Barry as he puts the hysterical in history.
Dave Barry's Money Secrets: Like: Why Is There a Giant Eyeball on the Dollar?
by Dave BarryDid you ever wish that you really understood money? Well, Dave Barry wishes that he did, too. But that hasn't stopped him from writing this book. In it, Dave explores (as only he can) such topics as: * How the U. S. economy works, including the often overlooked role of Adam Sandler * Why it is not a good idea to use squirrels for money * Strategies that will give you the confidence you need to try for a good job, even though you are--let's be honest--a no-talent loser * How corporate executives, simply by walking into their offices, immediately become much stupider * An absolutely foolproof system for making money in the stock market, requiring only a little effort (and access to time travel) * Surefire tips for buying and selling real estate, the key being: Never buy--or, for that matter, sell--real estate * How to minimize your federal taxes, safely and legally, by cheating * Why good colleges cost so much, and how to make sure your child does not get into one * How to reduce the cost of your medical care by basically not getting any * Estate planning, especially the financial benefits of an early death * And many, many pictures of Suze Orman But that's only the beginning! Dave has also included in this book all of the important points from a book written by Donald Trump, so you don't have to read it yourself. Plus he explains how to tip, how to negotiate for everything (including bridge tolls), how to argue with your spouse about money, and how much allowance to give your children (three dollars is plenty). He also presents, for the first time in print anywhere, the Car Dealership Code of Ethics ("Ethic Seven: The customer is an idiot"). Also, there are many gratuitous references to Angelina Jolie naked. You can't afford not to buy this book! Probably you need several copies. What kind of financial shape are you in right now? This scientific quiz will show you. Be honest in your answers: If you lie, you'll only be lying to yourself! The place to lie is on your federal tax return. What is your annual income? 1. More than $50,000. 2. Less than $50,000. 3. However much I get when I return these empties. Not counting your mortgage, how much money do you currently owe? 1. Less than $10,000. 2. More than $10,000. 3. Men are threatening to cut off my thumbs. How would you describe your portfolio? 1. Conservative, mainly bonds and blue-chip equities. 2. Aggressive, mainly options and speculative stocks. 3. My what? When analyzing an investment, what do you consider to be the most important factor? 1. The amount of return. 2. The degree of risk. 3. The name of the jockey. How do you plan to finance your retirement? 1. Savings. 2. Social security. 3. Sale of kidneys. --from the Introduction: "Why You Need This Book".
Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need
by Dave BarryTAKE YOUR TRAVEL TIPS FROM DAVE BARRY, A GUY WHO IS REALLY GONE! Complete with maps, histories, quaint local facts (France's National Underwear Changing Day is March 12), song lyrics, helpful hints on how to get through Customs (all insects must be spayed), and tidbits from Dave Barry's own fond vacation nightmares, DAVE BARRY'S ONLY TRAVEL GUIDE YOU'LL EVER NEED is just that. You'll find everything you need to know in this incredibly comprehensive reference, including: - Air Travel (Or: Why Birds Never Look Truly Relaxed) - Traveling as a Family (Or: No, We Are NOT There Yet) - Traveling in Europe ("Excuse me! Where is the Big Mona Lisa?") - Camping: Nature's Way of Promoting the Motel Industry
Dave Gorman's Googlewhack Adventure
by Dave GormanA hostage to the vagaries of a search engine, Dave Gorman has become a 21st century Dice Man throwing his fortune to the fates—the only difference is that the dice Dave rolls has 3 million faces… If someone called you a 'Googlewhack' what would you do? Would you end up playing table tennis with a nine year old boy in Boston? Would you find yourself in Los Angeles wrangling snakes, or would you go to China to be licked by a performance artist? If your name is Dave Gorman, then all of these things could be true….Fuelled by a lust for life and a desperate desire to do anything except what he is supposed to be doing (writing that novel and growing up), Dave falls under the spell of an obscure internet word game—Googlewhacking. Addicted to the game, and gripped by obsession, Dave travels three times round the world, visiting four continents and the unlikeliest cast of real life eccentrics you'll ever meet in what becomes an epic challenge, a life-changing, globe-trotting Googlewhack adventure.
Dave Gorman's Googlewhack Adventure
by Dave GormanA hostage to the vagaries of a search engine, Dave Gorman has become a 21st century Dice Man throwing his fortune to the fates--the only difference is that the dice Dave rolls has 3 million faces... If someone called you a 'Googlewhack' what would you do? Would you end up playing table tennis with a nine year old boy in Boston? Would you find yourself in Los Angeles wrangling snakes, or would you go to China to be licked by a performance artist? If your name is Dave Gorman, then all of these things could be true....Fuelled by a lust for life and a desperate desire to do anything except what he is supposed to be doing (writing that novel and growing up), Dave falls under the spell of an obscure internet word game--Googlewhacking. Addicted to the game, and gripped by obsession, Dave travels three times round the world, visiting four continents and the unlikeliest cast of real life eccentrics you'll ever meet in what becomes an epic challenge, a life-changing, globe-trotting Googlewhack adventure.
Dave Gorman's Googlewhack Adventure
by Dave GormanIf someone called you a 'googlewhack' what would you do? Would you end up playing table tennis with a nine year-old boy in Boston? Would you find yourself in Los Angeles wrangling snakes, or would you go to China to be licked by a performance artist? If your name is Dave Gorman, then all of these things could be true.Fuelled by a lust for life and a desperate desire to do anything except what he's supposed to be doing (writing that novel and growing up), Dave falls under the spell of an obscure internet word game - Googlewhacking. Addicted to the game, and gripped by obsession, Dave travels three times round the world, visiting four continents and the unlikeliest cast of real life eccentrics you'll ever meet in what becomes an epic challenge, a life-changing, globe-trotting Googlewhack adventure.
Dave Gorman's Googlewhack! Adventure
by Dave Gorman1. WHO IS DAVE GORMAN?• Dave Gorman is an award-winning comedian, storyteller and writer from the UK. • He won the HBO U. S. Comedy Arts Festival Jury Prize for Best One Person Show. • He has appeared on the sitcom Absolutely Fabulous and The Late Show With David Letterman. • His first book Are You Dave Gorman? has sold over 100,000 copies in the UK. • His second book, Dave Gorman’s Googlewhack Adventure has netted 60,000 copies to date since January 1, 2004, entering the Sunday Times Bestseller List at #1. 2. WHAT THE HELL IS A GOOGLEWHACK?• When you type two words into the Google search engine and get exactly one result. That is, only one Web page in the world happens to have the combination of words you've entered in the search box. That is a googlewhack! • Some past examples of googlewhacks include “comparative unicyclist,” “maladroit wheezer,” and “blithering clops. ” • There is a 1-in-3-billion chance of being a googlewhack. • For a full explanation, visit www. googlewhack. com Be warned: googlewhacking is completely addictive! 3. WHAT IS Dave Gorman’s Googlewhack Adventure?• Dave’s creative way to procrastinate as much as possible while writing a novel for his UK publisher, Ebury. • The mysterious e-mail from Australia that read simply “Did you know you’re a googlewhack?” and Dave’s subsequent obsession with googlewhacking that took him three times around the world. . . at the expense of the novel he was supposed to write. • This is Bill Bryson for a new generation, a hilarious book about the people Dave meets while he travels the globe for the strangers he has googlewhacked.
Dave Gorman's Googlewhack! Adventure
by Dave GormanA “hilarious” tale of procrastination, obsession, search engines, and worldwide travel, based on the award-winning one-man comedy show (Booklist). “When he turned 31, British stand-up comic Gorman decided he wanted to be taken seriously, so he landed a contract to write a novel. He took novel writing so seriously he grew a beard. But no matter how he tried, Gorman couldn’t actually write anything. One of his procrastination methods was googlewhacking—a game in which the ‘whacker’ types two different words into Google and tries to get exactly one hit. His first googlewhack, ‘Dork Turnspit,’ led him to a site featuring photographs of women with dogs. Gorman found the site so fascinating that he met its owner and then asked the women-and-dogs fellow to find him another googlewhack. And so begins one of history’s greatest ventures in procrastination. Over the next weeks, Gorman traveled tens of thousands of miles, everywhere from Columbus, Ohio, to Beijing, China, meeting googlewhacks, trying to string together 10 in a row by getting two new googlewhacks from each person he met . . . Gorman’s self-deprecating wit and irrational dedication to his quest make this a hilarious travelogue.” —Booklist “Fresh, funny and entertaining.” —The Daily Mail “An onslaught of amusing anecdotes and digressive detours.” —Publishers Weekly
Dave Hill Doesn't Live Here Anymore
by Dave HillWith his signature matter-of-fact humor, comedian and musician Dave Hill explores his increasingly close relationship with his recently widowed father in a series of painfully funny essays you will want to read again and again by the fire, at the beach, in a truck stop men's room, or just about anywhere. It's your call, really.These days, Dave has just the right amount of spare time to write books at home, preferably in his underwear, but things weren't always perfect. When he found himself pushing thirty while still living with his parents in Cleveland, unsuited for anything but what an "employment expert" vaguely called a career in "art, music, writing, or entertainment," he decided to visit some friends in New York for the weekend and never left. However, getting his life together wasn't as easy as he'd hoped, and even an illegally subletted, rent controlled fifth-floor walk-up studio apartment with a (for the most part) working toilet wasn't glamorous enough to erase the fact that his four siblings were all married with steady jobs and actual human offspring. And in recent years, Dave's father had grown tired of loaning him cash and living alone in the empty family home, neither of which made much sense to Dave, but whatever.Through the process of his father's eventual move to a retirement community, Dave and his dad bonded over the things in life that really matter: scorching-hot rock jams, the gluten allergy craze, eighteen-wheelers, Italian food (pizza and spaghetti), and whatever else could possibly be left after that. Meanwhile, Dave discovered his late-blooming manhood via experiences as disparate and dangerous as a visit to a remote Mexican prison, where he learned that people everywhere love the Eagles, and a martial arts class that pushed his resolve and his groin to their limit. In Dave Hill Doesn't Live Here Anymore, Hill's voice is sharp, carefree, laced with just the right amount of profanity, and he is--seemingly despite himself--deeply empathetic as he portrays a difficult time in his family's life and grows up just enough to realize that maybe he and his dad aren't so different after all.
Dave's Breakfast Blast Off! (Dave #2)
by Sue HendraThe hilarious sequel to a modern classic. Written by Sue Hendra, the creator of the bestselling Barry the Fish with Fingers, and illustrated by Lee Wildish, the winner of the Overall Red House Children's Book Award 2013.Dave is a big ol' greedy guts. But oh no! His bowl is empty. The animals in the garden help him find other meals - but what will happen when he eats the dog's food? The answer will have you rolling around the floor with laughter.'I laughed so much I farted!' Edward, aged 6
Dave's World: The Unofficial Guide to the Late Show with David Letterman
by Michael CaderLetterman's fans are a dedicated bunch, ranging from Baby Boomers to young college students. His show has proven itself a worthy contender to the competition soundly beating out Arsenio Hall, Jay Leno, and the rest. This unauthorized companion book to Letterman's shows on NBC and CBS, offers a hip, unique, and hysterically funny guide that's packed with inside information. Over 100 photos.
David Gets in Trouble
by David ShannonCaldecott Honor artist and bestseller David Shannon make readers laugh aloud in this next story about the troublemaking David!"When David gets in trouble, he always says . . . 'NO! It's not my fault! I didn't mean to! It was an accident!'" Whatever the situation, David's got a good excuse. And no matter what he's done "wrong," it's never really his fault. Soon, though, David realizes that making excuses makes him feel bad, and saying he's sorry makes him feel better. Once again, David Shannon entertains us with young David's mischievous antics and a lighthearted story that's sure to leave kids (and parents) laughing.
David Sedaris Live at Carnegie Hall
by David SedarisNo one renders the pathos, chaos and impossible variety of daily encounters like David Sedaris. On every subject, he is bruisingly painful and tenderly affectionate. Recorded live on October 22, 2002, LIVE AT CARNEGIE HALL features excerpts from his forthcoming collection of essays, DRESS YOUR FAMILY IN CORDUROY AND DENIM.Includes:ThanksRepeat After MeWhy Them?Who's the Chef?Buddy Can You Spare a Tie?LessonThree: The Feminine MistakeLesson Four: With a Pal Like This, You Don't Need An EnemySix to Eight Black Men
David se mete en líos (David Books [shannon] Ser.)
by David ShannonCaldecott Honor artist and bestseller David Shannon make readers laugh aloud in this next story about the troublemaking David!Siempre que ocurre algun accidente, David tiene alguna excusa. ¡Nunca es su culpa! ¡Nunca fue su intencion hacerlo! Muy pronto, sin embargo, David se da cuenta de que inventar excusas lo hace sentir mal y que es mejor pedir perdon. David Shannon vuelve a entretenernos con las travesuras del pequeno David en una historia que hara reir a grandes y chicos."When David gets in trouble, he always says... 'NO! It's not my fault! I didn't mean to! It was an accident!'" Whatever the situation, David's got a good excuse. And no matter what he's done "wrong," it's never really his fault. Soon, though, David realizes that making excuses makes him feel bad, and saying he's sorry makes him feel better. Once again, David Shannon entertains us with young David's mischievous antics and a lighthearted story that's sure to leave kids (and parents) laughing.
David va a la escuela (David Bks.)
by David ShannonA companion to the Caldecott Honor-winning classic No, David!by bestselling picture-book creator David Shannon!David's teacher has her hands full. From running in the halls to chewing gum in class, David's high-energy antics fill each schoolday with trouble -- and are sure to bring a smile to even the best- behaved reader. This book in Spanish will delight kids, parents and teachers!La maestra de David no puede más. Las travesuras de David la mantienen muy ocupada. ¡Un libro que deleitará a niños, padres y maestros!
Dawn O'Hara: The Girl Who Laughed
by Edna FerberThis is the story of Dawn O'Hara, who finds the humor in things. She's charming and witty and stubborn and likable. It's her tale of struggle with romance, growing friendships and relationships, sacrifices and overcoming her past and embracing the future.
Dawn Undercover
by Anna DaleEleven-year-old Dawn, Rustgate Primary School's most forgettable student, is recruited for a British secret intelligence agency and sent on a spy mission to track a master criminal.
Dawn of Zombie Haiku
by Ryan Mecum. . . More Brains. . . Some race. Some lurch. Others come crawling, limping, staggering-dragging themselves toward anyone who might still have a pulse. Zombies invade the island of Manhattan, and they are hungry. The story of the zombie apocalypse is told through the eyes of Dawn, a ten-year-old girl who has been well-schooled in the undead because of her father's love of zombie movies. As the zombies approach, Dawn and her dad realize the time has come to implement their Zombie Escape Plan, so they gather friends and escape to the Statue of Liberty. Only. . . the plan doesn't go quite as expected. Dawn documents their downfall in her haiku journal, where the limb-snapping, eye-popping, bone-crunching zombies eventually make her one of their own. In gory detail, and sometimes channeling her favorite poets, she describes the gruesome scenes before her-and her own frightening impulses. Ryan Mecum, the wicked mind behind the original Zombie Haiku, brings you another volume of disturbing poetry from the perspective of the walking dead sure to get your heart racing and your gag reflex working. . . but hopefully not your mouth salivating.