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Disparates: Essays

In English disparate means &“different&” or &“miscellaneous&”—apt descriptors of these essays by Patrick Madden. In Spanish, however, disparate means &“nonsense,&” &“folly,&” or &“absurdity,&”—words appropriate to Madden&’s goal of undercutting any notion that essays must be serious business. Thus, in this collection, the essays are frivolous and lively, aiming to make readers laugh while they think about such abstract subjects as happiness and memory and unpredictability. In this vein, Madden takes sidelong swipes at weighty topics via form, with wildly meandering essays, abandoned essays in honor of the long tradition of essayists disparaging their own efforts, and guerrilla essays—which slip in quietly under the guise of a borrowed form, abruptly attack, and promptly escape, leaving laughter and contemplation in their wake. Madden also incorporates cameos from guest essayists, including Mary Cappello, Matthew Gavin Frank, David Lazar, Michael Martone, Jericho Parms, and Wendy S. Walters, much like a musician features other performers.Disparates reflects the current zeitgeist by taking on important issues with a touch of cleverness, a dash of humor, and a little help from one&’s friends. Read Chapter 1.

Dispatches from Parts Unknown

“The feel-good novel of the year.” —ALA Booklist (starred review)Julie knows it’s unusual that a professional wrestler runs a constant commentary on her life that only she can hear. But grief can be awfully funny sometimes. National Book Award nominee Bryan Bliss delivers a thought-provoking, one-of-a-kind novel about how to tread the line between moving on and holding on. Dispatches from Parts Unknown is for fans of David Arnold, Nina LaCour, and You’ve Reached Sam. Ever since her dad died three years ago, Julie has been surviving more than thriving. And surviving is sneaking into her parents’ closet when her mom is out, since it’s the only place that still sometimes smells like her dad. It’s roaming around the Mall of America. It’s pulling out the box of her dad’s VHS tapes, recordings of his favorite vintage professional wrestling matches.And it’s hearing the voice of the Masked Man in her head, running a commentary of her life.It’s embarrassing, really. Sure, he was her dad’s favorite wrestler, but that doesn’t mean she wants him in her head.As Julie finally starts to come out of the haze of grief, maybe she’ll finally figure out why that voice is there, and how to let it go.

Dispatches from the Tenth Circle: The Best of The Onion

Brutal satire that rushes into the far reaches of race, class, sexuality, and culture where many publications–and critics–fear to tread.

Dispatches Volume One: What Men Don't Tell Women; One Fell Soup; and Camels Are Easy, Comedy's Hard

Laugh-out-loud observations from &“America&’s foremost humorist&” (Chicago Tribune). What Men Don&’t Tell Women: Well, that&’s just for starters. Roy Blount Jr. realized that nearly all of his writing involved things people don&’t tell people: what Southerners don&’t tell Northerners, what the sick don&’t want to hear from the well, what no one would ever tell their mother, and what authors rarely admit to their readers. That all changes in this &“honest . . . funny&” collection of confessional essays about sex, friendship, marriage, male bonding, female patience, and Elvis (The Boston Globe). One Fell Soup: A deliciously funny stew of reviews, diatribes, investigations, meditations, assorted grumblings, and verse about the absurdities of American life, death, fears, and ambition. Included in these fifty-nine easy pieces: the truth (as Blount sees it) about nudism, cricket-fighting, bowling, macaroni and cheese, black holes and black socks, nuclear holocausts, the CIA, domesticated fowl, pork bellies, God, and more. The whole shebang from &“one of the most clever (see sly, witty, cunning, nimble) wordsmiths cavorting in the English language&” (Carl Hiaasen). Camels Are Easy, Comedy&’s Hard: Flesh-eating piranha! Synchronized swimming! Rubber chickens! Edith Wharton! Crossword puzzles! All and then some in this giddy compendium of essays, celebrity profiles, silly games, and side trips. Parts sports journalism, literary criticism, travel writing, and aborted novel, tossed with a few poems and a neo-Biblical one-act play, this is an uproarious—and sometimes heartening—anthology of adventures from &“one writer who never fails to please&” (The Village Voice).

Disquiet, Please!

The New Yorker is, of course, a bastion of superb essays, influential investigative journalism, and insightful arts criticism. But for eighty years, it's also been a hoot. In fact, when Harold Ross founded the legendary magazine in 1925, he called it "a comic weekly," and while it has grown into much more, it has also remained true to its original mission. Now an uproarious sampling of its funny writings can be found in a hilarious new collection, one as satirical and witty, misanthropic and menacing, as the first, Fierce Pajamas. From the 1920s onward-but with a special focus on the latest generation-here are the humorists who set the pace and stirred the pot, pulled the leg and pinched the behind of America. S. J. Perelman unearths the furious letters of a foreign correspondent in India to the laundry he insists on using in Paris ("Who charges six francs to wash a cummerbund?!"). Woody Allen recalls the "Whore of Mensa," who excites her customers by reading Proust (or, if you want, two girls will explain Noam Chomsky). Steve Martin's pill bottle warns us of side effects ranging from hair that smells of burning tires to teeth receiving radio broadcasts. Andy Borowitz provides his version of theater-lobby notices ("In Act III, there is full frontal nudity, but not involving the actor you would like to see naked"). David Owen's rules for dating his ex-wife start out magnanimous and swiftly disintegrate into sarcasm, self-loathing, and rage, and Noah Baumbach unfolds a history of his last relationship in the form of Zagat reviews.Meanwhile, off in a remote "willage" in Normandy, David Sedaris is drowning a mouse ("This was for the best, whether the mouse realized it or not").Plus asides, fancies, rebukes, and musings from Patty Marx, Calvin Trillin, Bruce McCall, Garrison Keillor, Veronica Geng, Ian Frazier, Roy Blount, Jr., and many others. If laughter is the best medicine, Disquiet, Please is truly a wonder drug.From the Hardcover edition.

The Disreputable History of Frankie Landau-Banks (National Book Award Finalist)

The hilarious and razor-sharp story of how one girl went from geek to patriarchy-smashing criminal mastermind in two short years, from the #1 New York Times bestselling author of We Were Liars and Genuine Fraud.* National Book Award finalist ** Printz Honor * Frankie Landau-Banks at age 14:Debate Club.Her father's "bunny rabbit."A mildly geeky girl attending a highly competitive boarding school.Frankie Landau-Banks at age 15:A knockout figure.A sharp tongue.A chip on her shoulder.And a gorgeous new senior boyfriend: the supremely goofy, word-obsessed Matthew Livingston.Frankie Landau-Banks. No longer the kind of girl to take "no" for an answer.Especially when "no" means she's excluded from her boyfriend's all-male secret society.Not when she knows she's smarter than any of them.When she knows Matthew's lying to her.And when there are so many pranks to be done.Frankie Landau-Banks, at age 16:Possibly a criminal mastermind.This is the story of how she got that way.

The Dissertation: Tinieblas Book Two (Tinieblas #2)

This novel posing as a dissertation on León Fuertes, the fictional president of a made-up Banana Republic is &“still fresh, funny, and disturbingly relevant&” (Publishers Weekly, starred review). To fulfill his PhD requirement, Camilo Fuertes decides to write about his father León, the martyred president of Tinieblas, a small country in Latin America. As Camilo traces his family&’s roots, we follow León along his twisted path through delinquency, learning, lust, and bravery to his historic position of leadership. At once a powerful vision of Latin American history and a brilliant parody of the academic form—complete with endnotes—The Dissertation is the second novel in Koster&’s acclaimed Tinieblas trilogy, and an essential postmodern novel in the tradition of Vonnegut, Barth, and Nabokov. &“One of the few books of the past 20 years that deserves to be called astonishing. It is a brilliant novel, structurally a marvel and, in all, a demonstration of elan as that quality seldom is experienced in a work of fiction.&” —The Des Moines Register &“Longtime Panama resident Koster portrays Latin America with a comedian&’s sense of timing, a scholar&’s sense of history, and a native&’s fond despair.&” —Publishers Weekly (starred review) &“Koster is that rare thing: a writer from the heart, passionate and uncompromising.&” —John le Carré

Dissolving Classroom

A pair of twisted siblings—Yuuma, a young man obsessed with the devil, and Chizumi, the worst little sister in recorded history—cause all sorts of tragic and terrifying things to happen wherever they go. These scary short stories will shock you with a literal interpretation of the ills that plague modern society.

The Distance Travelled: A Novel

“A completely unique take on life in hell. Snappy dialog and a bizarre backdrop set this adventure tale apart from the pack.” —Christopher Moore, New York Times–bestselling author of Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal Why have certain denizens of Hell taken to throwing farm animals through innocent folks’ kitchen windows? How long does it take a dead, desiccated gas attendant to walk out to his pumps? What sort of relationship do the Lord of the Underworld and Hell’s Head Torturer have besides the obvious professional one? What kind of air conditioning units do they use down there? Do they listen to Cyndi Lauper? What is Hell’s official currency, and by what criteria did The Big Red Fella choose it? Can pigs eat cereal with a spoon? What nameless beast dwells in the flame pit near the hole to Upside? What is Upside, for that matter, and why should you care anyway? Within the pages of this book, you will find the answers to these pressing questions, as well as answers to other, significantly less pressing questions . . . “A raucous blood-and-guts pulper, complete with hardboiled mugs like PigBoy, Tom China, and Portnoy Spavin. By setting his hero’s mysterious quest in Hell itself, Brett Alexander Savory has started a whole new genre: Actual Underworld Noir.” —Stewart O’Nan, author of Snow Angels and Faithful, co-written with Stephen King “Distinctive and bizarre—and I mean that in a good way—this is a fine ride through some very unusual territories.” —Michael Marshall Smith, author of Spares and Only Forward

Distillery Cats: Profiles in Courage of the World's Most Spirited Mousers

Distillery Cats contains the whimsical tales of working cats in distilleries around the world, with charming illustrations of the beloved mousers. Distillery Cats cheekily tells the tale of the historical role of these spirited cats and their evolution from organic pest control to current brand ambassadors. James Beard Award-winning author (and noted cat enthusiast) Brad Thomas Parsons profiles 30 of the world's most adorable and lovable distillery cats, featuring "interviews," a hand-drawn portrait of each cat, plus trading card-style stat sheets with figures like "super-power" and "mice killed." Featuring 15 cocktail recipes to enjoy while you page through, Distillery Cats is a quirky but essential addition to any cat or spirits lover's bookshelf.

The Distractions

Solitary tech worker Mischa Osborn is mourning the shelving of her passion project—an artificial intelligence algorithm capable of love—when a chance encounter with a social media celebrity leads her spiraling into an all-consuming obsession. Simultaneously, someone—or something—is watching.Mischa Osborn spends her days as a ProWatcher—keeping distracted people on task and lonely ones accompanied—from her Brooklyn Megabuilding, while eating PetriMeat Steax and working out with her favorite personal trainer, a straight-talking algorithm named Tory. Her carefully constructed, isolated existence is suddenly upended by a chance realspace encounter with a HighlightReel celebrity, Nicolás Adán Luchano. On their first date, hiking in Kuulsuits and watching DroneBeez pollinate flowers, Mischa experiences a brief but intense realspace connection. Mischa takes to relentlessly watching Nic onReel. As Mischa&’s ReelWatching spirals into an all-consuming obsession, and even realspace stalking, Mischa takes increasingly desperate measures to be seen and valued, sucking others into her vortex of obsession until she completely loses control. Meanwhile, someone is equally obsessed with Mischa, tracking her every move and perhaps even influencing her choices. A tale of how technology enables obsession, envy, and unrelenting comparison, told through an eccentric cast of interconnected characters, The Distractions invites us to reflect on who we are watching, and why.

Disturbia

A race against time turns into a rollicking scavenger hunt through London lore in this classic thriller from the award-winning author of the Peculiar Crimes Unit mysteries starring Bryant & May. When the city hits midnight, everyone becomes equal, and anything can happen. It’s 2 a.m. and Vincent Reynolds is running for his life through the storm-swept streets of London. The working-class reporter has discovered an explosive secret, and he’s determined to tell the world—as long as he stays alive until sunrise. His adversary: an English gentleman obsessed with puzzles, playing his deadliest game. His allies: a motley crew of insomniacs, misfits, and street people. His only hope: to solve a series of ten lethal challenges that will lead him from dusk to daybreak, through the night life of a secret city hidden even to its own inhabitants. Look for Christopher Fowler’s fantasy and horror classics, now available as ebooks: CALABASH | DISTURBIA | PSYCHOVILLE | RED GLOVES | ROOFWORLD | SPANKY

Disturbing His Peace: The Academy (The Academy #3)

She’s got probable cause to make her move . . . Danika Silva can’t stand Lt. Greer Burns. Her roommate’s older brother may be sexy as hell, but he’s also a cold, unfeeling robot. She just wants to graduate and forget about her scowling superior. But when a dangerous mistake lands Danika on probation—under Greer’s watch—she’s forced to interact with the big, hulking jerk. Call him daily to check in? Done. Ride shotgun in his cruiser every night? Done. Try not to climb into his giant, muscular lap and kiss him? Umm…Greer doesn’t let anything—or anyone—distract him from the job. Except lately, all he can think about is Danika. He’s wanted the beautiful, cocky recruit since the moment he saw her. But she’s reckless and unpredictable, and Greer is painfully aware of what can happen when an officer doesn’t follow the rules. Probation seemed like a good idea, but now Danika’s scent is in his car and he’s replayed her voicemails twenty times. Christ, he’s a goner. Danika’s melting Greer’s stone-cold exterior one ride-along at a time. Being together could have serious consequences… but breaking a few rules never hurt anybody, right?

Ditched: A Love Story

There's a Girl. Justina Griffith was never the girl who dreamed of going to the prom. Designer dresses and strappy heels? Not her thing. So never expected her best friend Ian Clark to ask her. There's a Boy. Ian, who always passed her the baseball bat, handle first. Ian, who knew exactly when she needed red licorice. Ian, who promised her the most amazing night at prom. Then There's a ditch. But when Justine is ditched, figuratively and literally, she must piece together--stain-by-stain on her thrift-store dress--exactly how she ended up dateless... With only the help of some opinionated ladies at the 7=-Eleven. To get the whole story Justine will have to face the boy who ditched her. Can losing out at her prom ultimately lead to finding true love? A three-legged chihuahua was involved along with a demolition derby-ready cadillac. And there was that incident at the tattoo parlor. Plus the flying leap from Brian Sontag's moving car....

Ditched by Dr. Right: And Other Distress Signals from the Edge of Polite Society

In witty slice-of-life vignettes and laugh-out-loud cultural riffs, Elizabeth Warner shares her divinely demented view of the world. Raised by a mild-mannered psychiatrist father and a slightly off-kilter mother, Warner opted out of the life that awaited the youth of WASP heaven (aka Philadelphia's Main Line)-that is, to be "typically weaned, whelped, and privately schooled, whereupon you move on to the roost-and-spawn phase. " Yet no matter how far afield she ventures-to New York to become a master junk-mail marketer or to L. A. to do a little acting-Warner can't help but feel that sometimes she's getting nowhere fast on "some kind of Protestant monorail to doom. " Whether she's spelling out the invisible word "help" on a guy's shoulder blades during unfulfilling sex, getting out of jury duty by smearing herself with soy sauce, or convincing her mother that the words "career girl" are not her death knell, Warner proves that sometimes it doesn't matter where you go in life-just as long as you've got a killer punch line.

The Diva’s Guide to Selling Your Soul

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. . . Call me V. I used to be a nobody, just a girl from New Jersey who was probably going to hell anyway -- or worse, mediocrity and a size 14. Now I get whatever I desire just by casting a little spell. . . . a flawless body, a luxury penthouse, and a Fifth Avenue shop where rich women clamor for my overpriced handbags. Even better, I have power. I can taunt my ex-husband, break hearts without guilt, and love every minute of it. My secret? I lost the one thing I neverneeded in the first place: my soul. I sold it. And you'll never guess who's got it now. She's a devil in disguise. You know her as the dishiest gossip columnist in the city's trashiest tabloid. I call her Lucy. And our deal is this: the more clients I recruit for her Life Enrichment Program, the greater my rewards. But just between us, my fast track to heartless apathy has hit a few speed bumps -- lately, I've had the totally annoying impulse to do things that are. . . good. First there was rescuing a kid in the park. Then there was the date with the handsome, decent guy who wasn't even a celebrity. What's next, giving to charity or something? All I know is Lucy doesn't like it, not one little bit. And when she finds out, there will be hell to pay. . .

Dive Bar, The Complete Collection: Dirty, Twist, and Chaser (Dive Bar)

New York Times and USA Today bestselling author Kylie Scott has captured thousands of readers with her sexy Dive Bar series. Here together for the first time in a stellar boxed set at a discounted price are her beloved Dive Bar novels:DirtyThe last thing Vaughan Hewson expects to find when he returns to his childhood home is a broken hearted bride in his shower, let alone the drama and chaos that come with her.TwistWhen his younger brother loses interest in online dating, hot bearded bartender Joe Collins only intends to log into his account and shut it down. Until he reads about her. Alex Parks is funny, fascinating, and pretty much everything he's been looking for in a woman—except that she lives across the country. ChaserBartender and all round bad boy, Eric Collins, has come to a crossroads. It’s time to take life seriously and maybe even attempt to settle down. If only the person he was hoping to settle down with didn’t turn out to be pregnant.

Diversão de Montão!

Esta é uma coleção de piadas divertidíssimas para proporcionar horas de alegria e entretenimento puro aos seus pequenos - parentes ou filhos. Prepare-se para dar muitas risadas!!!

Diversions: 50 Comic Short Stories

50 comic pieces by the author which will keep you laughing for hours.

Divertimento a palate!

Ecco una raccolta di barzellette esilaranti, per offrire ai vostri bambini ore di pura felicità e divertimento. Non riuscirete a smettere di ridere!!!

Divine Appointments: A Novel (A Snowglobe Connections Novel #2)

With the big 5-0 fast approaching, Josie Brooks begins to question her structured, picture-perfect (mid)life. Josie Brooks, at the age of 47, thought she was leading an enviable single life. A successful consultant, she calls her own shots, goes where the money is, and never needs to compromise. But her precisely managed world begins to falter during a Chicago contract when an economic downturn, a bleeding heart boss, and the loyalty and kindness between endangered employees ding her coat of armor. Throw in hot flashes, a dose of loneliness, a peculiar longing for intimacy, an unquenchable thirst—not to mention a mysterious snowglobe with a serene landscape, complete with a flowing river and lush greenery that seems to be beckoning her in—and Josie&’s buttoned-up life is on the verge of coming completely undone. Maybe her solitary existence isn&’t as fulfilling as she has convinced herself to believe. It will take a few new friends, a mystical encounter, and an unexpected journey to set Josie on her own path to &“right-sizing&” and making the life changes that really matter. Filled with laugh-out loud moments and a gentle dash of inspiration, Divine Appointments is another heartwarming charmer from a master storyteller.

Divine Comedies

Beloved children's book author Jeanne Steig gives some spice, pizzazz, and a little bit of cheek to well-known classic tales from the Old Testament and Greek mythology, filled with saucy illustrations by Caldecott winner and creator of Shrek!, William Steig.Who but Jeanne and William Steig would tackle retelling the Old Testament and the Greek myths? The cheekiest of the classic Steig books--The Old Testament Made Easy and A Gift from Zeus--turn the stories you know upside down and are bound together in this divine, deluxe edition for the first time.

The Divine Comedy

The Divine Comedy is a fugue and a black comedy. In delicious and bawdy detail, an unnamed narrator offers snapshots into the lives and loves of an astonishing cast of philanderers and fuckups while along the way, the evidence amasses for a comic, cosmic conspiracy. Craig Raine's second novel, The Divine Comedy, is a voyeuristic meditation on sex and insecurity, God and the nature of the human body—its capacity for pleasure and pain, its desires, disappointments, and its many mortifying betrayals.

The Divine Comedy, Hell

The Divine Farce

"A Dante/Beckett reduction of human struggle to its lowest common denominator."--Michael Mirolla, author of The Formal Logic of Emotion and Berlin"One of the most original and thought-provoking stories I have ever read...true literary art...Not a word is wasted in this masterpiece. Yes, I call it that. I have read many classics, and I can tell you that The Divine Farce should be counted among them; the finest in American literature."--GeekscribeThree strangers are condemned to live together in darkness, crushed together in a concrete stall so small that they can never sit down. Liquid food drips down from above. Waste drains through a grid on the floor. So begins one of the strangest, most surreal comments on the human experience, on love and hatred and the human ability to find good in any situation, no matter how difficult. Michael S. A. Graziano delights in the macabre and surreal, yet it is his optimism that lifts this little novel. Like The Love Song of Monkey, this book is deeply thought provoking, horrifying, and funny.Praise for The Love Song of Monkey:"Imaginative, intelligent narrative. Twin ideas of forgiveness and mercy twist through this strange, moving, patiently wrought novel."--Publishers Weekly"Fabulously imagined, seriously considered, and very funny. A kind of fairytale antithesis on the meaning of existence. . . . Fantastic."--Spirituality and Health Books"Strange but wonderful . . . like nothing I've read before. A very short book, but the scope is epic in detail. . . . I enjoyed the heck out of this book."--Geekscribe"Should be required reading in the writing grad schools. . . . There's nary a word wasted. What's left is comedy, retrospection, betrayal, tenderness, meditations on loneliness, a love story that survives all attempts to suppress it . . . not bad within 149 pages."--Barnstable PatriotMichael S. A. Graziano, Princeton University neuroscientist, is the author of the novella Hiding Places (New England Review, 1997), the novel The Love Song of Monkey (Leapfrog Press, 2008), and The Intelligent Movement Machine (Oxford University Press, 2008).